It’s one of life’s little mysteries, the fact that I can fall asleep in front of the television during a documentary chronicling man’s loudest explosions, yet be kept awake by the sound of my own nose whistling. In my defense, this was a new phenomenon, and something that, under any other circumstances, would have been amusing. However, at 1:30 in the morning, having your nose emit a solid C-major every time you exhale is just plain annoying.
What made matters worse was that I wasn’t alone in my musical endeavors. My wife was also blowing her horn — I’m guessing in E-flat — which, between the two of us, sounded like a pair of jug blowers trying to tune up for the spring dance. Instinctively, I grabbed the earplugs from the nightstand and inserted them. As I quickly discovered, this is a little like covering your ears so you can’t hear yourself sing. I then contemplated the idea of inserting the plugs directly into my nostrils, but decided against it for two reasons.
First, I would be forced to breath through my mouth, which would lead to snoring and bruised ribs.
Secondly, should my mouth somehow fall shut during the night, the resulting pressure would create a pair of high-velocity projectiles ricocheting through our bedroom without warning — the mere thought of which would keep me awake.
As I laid there in the dark trying to come up with a solution, I discovered that if I flared my nostrils, I could change the pitch of my nose instrument. While this wasn’t useful in solving the problem, it did allow me to perform a rather sassy rendition of “Heart and Soul” with my still-sleeping wife as a way to pass the time.
It was this discovery that got me thinking about the science behind the music, and how it was the combination of air, nasal passages and the particular formation of cilia lining those passages that created the sound. Following that line of thought, it stood to reason that altering one of those components would stop the sound. I immediately deemed “breathing” and “nasal passages” as components that were too risky to consider altering, leaving me with component number three: cilia.
While I won’t get into the specifics of how I altered my cilia, I will tell you that it was quick, easy and only required one finger. After a rather lengthy trip through the musical scale — and an abbreviated rendition of Don McLean’s “American Pie” — the music coming from my nose did indeed die.
This left my wife as a soloist.
Now, I’d like to say that I was able to make the necessary adjustments to her cilia without incident, and then fell quietly to sleep.
I’d like to say that, but I can’t.
The truth is, I’m still trying to explain to her exactly what I was doing when she woke up. And why “Heart and Soul” has been stuck in her head all day.
(Ned is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, will be available this December. You can write to him at nedhickson@icloud.com, or at Siuslaw News, P.O. Box 10, Florence, Ore. 97439)
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HAHAHHAHAHAH!
As long as that was the only part was making music…
BEST. COMMENT. EVER.
Why thank you! And you know, I didn’t even have to try very hard 🙂
…I know right? Sometimes, he just leaves the door wide open….
Not if Anderson Cooper is on the other side.
Anderson would love you….
That’s what I’m afraid of.
Fortunately, those were the only two wind instruments involved in our concert 😉
Ha Ha! I seriously just did a cartoon about nose whistling this week: http://momtimes4.com/2013/10/28/its-the-little-things-in-life/
HaHa! I just checked out your cartoon. Perfect, and so true 😉
Thanks for checking it out!
My pleasure 😉
That’s, far and away, the ciliest thing you’ve ever written.
I don’t know about that, but I don’t want to split hairs.
Furget it, then.
Sorry for the slow response. My brain’s getting a little fuzzy.
Oh man. Between our night noises and the dog licking herself, it’s a wonder we get any sleep at all.
Lol! Same here, Ross. Plus, we have raccoons that eat walnuts right under our window every night. But at least they aren’t licking themselves.
Seriously? I think you’re serious, otherwise you would have said “dogs playing poker.”
If the raccoons start playing poker, we’re moving.
Reblogged this on granny reports blog and commented:
I laughed so hard, I blew my nose!! This is fantastic!!
If you two manage to work this into a reasonable harmony, you might wake up one night to a four-chair turnaround from the celebrity judges on The Voice. I’d watch that episode.
LOL! We’re hoping for a call from Usher.
How actually did you tune your musical instrument? I demand you make it known. Somewhat comical piece. Greetings to the soloist.
I was born with perfect pitch. Or, my nose was at least.
You misspelled “pinch.”
Lol!!
So how did you achieve the silencing stunt? Please do tell.
Let’s just say I copied the move from my kids 😉
Hahahahahaha. Happy for you. Wish I had kids who knew the trick and would tell for a treat.
Frankly that is just the most absurd excuse for picking your nose I ever heard! Just go ahead and pick the damn thing … end of …
*snigger*
If I’m going to pick my nose, I want to do it with flair. And by that I mean my nostrils.
On the other hand … or in this case the other nose … have you ever considered polyps?
Lol! Not in my nose.
H.i.l.a.r.i.o.u.s.
Many thanks! And I’m impressed; there’s no way I could have spelled that right with all those periods in there 😉
😉
if a nose whistles and no one hears it, is it still music? – plato someoneorother
Only if a tree falls on it 😉
Sir, it is rare indeed that I genuinely laugh out loud, particularly rare whilst reading. You, and this post, however, have made me do just that. It wasn’t pretty. I had a mouth full of udon noodle soup. Yes… that visual you have is pretty accurate.
I thank you. My computer screen is a little pissed.
Deborah, I’m sorry for the delay in responding. After reading your comment, I returned all of my Cup-o-Noodles to the store… 😉
Absolutely hysterical. Thanks for the laugh!
I’ve been perusing your blog; you so deserve a laugh. Really glad I could give you one 😉
This is a problem I know all too well, and the devastating results too! Made me chuckle aloud in a shared computer room – AWKWARD… Thanks! 🙂
Lol! Hey, at least you weren’t sitting in a restroom stahl 🙂
That’s true I suppose!
Wow….last night was the first time in a long time I woke up with the same condition. It’s not so amusing at 3;00 am as it is during the day!
If you’d like, I can tell you how to tune it to “be flat.”
buaahahahahaaa! you brought tears to my eyes and an itch to my nose. P.S. Usually getting up and actually blowing my nose fixes that issue, there’s no need to go in knuckle deep.
I think “getting up” is the operative term here.
Tissue on the nightstand ..
It’s too far for me to walk.
Oh, you mean MY night stand.
Got it… 😉