As I sat reading an article about the new Star Wars Trilogy now in production, I suddenly had an epiphany: Potty training our children had been a lot like training young Jedi Knights!

This prompted me to devise a what I am calling the Jedi Potty-Training Program — something that is spiritual, aggressive and, hopefully, a lot less messy than the old-fashioned method of staring at your child until they make a face that looks like they are having a BM, then racing them to the commode.

Because of our subject matter’s explicit nature, we will be using GALACTIC terms during this discussion. Whenever you see this special GALACTIC font style, you’ll know that I’m JUST MESSING WITH YOU.

Ha Ha! No, that font means that it’s important enough to justify wielding my special GALACTIC font-making powers as a way to highlight the fact that I’m BEING SUED BY GEORGE LUCUS.

To begin our training, we must understand THE FORCE, which is a field of energy that exists within all living things. It can’t be seen or touched. However, when it is “strong” in your Jedi, it can be smelled, especially if it’s on the DARK SIDE. It’s important to remember that with the proper training, the force can also be used for good — which, for starters, just means trying to keep the GALACTIC EMPIRE from spreading beyond the realm of your Jedi’s shorts.

Before your boy Jedi tries to conquer the GALACTIC EMPIRE, though, you should start with teaching him how to use his LIGHT SABER. Now, unless your son is extremely gifted, I’d suggest avoiding “Ben Kenobi’s” approach to light saber training, which was to blindfold his student and let them swing their light saber around until they hit a flying orb similar to a piñata.

In short, unless you have a lot of disinfectant on hand, let your child keep his EYES OPEN during this training phase — and let me just say that involving a piñata would be a big mistake.

Next is something referred to as the JEDI MIND TRICK, which is a special power that the Jedi use to influence the thoughts of the weak minded. This will come into play about the same time your child realizes that conquering the GALACTIC EMPIRE can be a little scary. To avoid this confrontation, your Jedi may assert his or her mind powers in the following manner:

Jedi Master: Come, let us continue your training now that you have eaten three bowls of Shredded Mini Wheats.
Youngling: Me no have to go potty now.
Master: But we must flush the GALACTIC EMPIRE from the galaxy.
Youngling: Me no potty now.
Master: (Realizing that this is a mind trick) Okay youngling. You don’t have to go potty now.
Youngling: Now I go potty!
Master: (Sensing a disturbance in THE FORCE) I fear, young Jedi, that we are already too late…

Unfortunately, there isn’t enough room here to include some of the more advanced principles of Jedi potty training, such as dietary tips to help avoid encountering THE DARK SIDE in the first place, as well as things you can do to help initiate your own JUMP TO LIGHT SPEED should the GALACTIC EMPIRE suddenly appear.

However, I am putting together a book on the subject:

10 things Darth Vader never told you about potty training

Look for it on bookshelves! Just as soon as I finish talking with Mr. Lucas’s attorneys.

(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)