The Most Outlandish Tale About Anxiety and Depression Ever Told

(Continued from Jessica Sita at Watchful Creature)

Before I can turn back for a more suitable weapon from my purse, like maybe an eyeliner shank, a crunching sound causes the two figures to stop in mid stride. I glance down and see a discarded sandwich bag filled with Lucky Charms. No marshmallows. Only that crappy cereal that tastes like shaved dog treats. I hated that cereal as a kid. Now I had reason to hate it as an adult; thanks to that damned crunch, the two figures were looking right at me. There was no turning back now.

Lucky Charms my ass.

I tightened my grip on the mascara tube, prepared to either bluff my way out or, if necessary, give these two creeps a total makeover. And by that I mean jamming the tip of that voluminous mascara applicator somewhere Avon never intended. Ding dong, Avon calling

Drawing closer, I could begin to make out their faces. Regardless of how this turned out, a makeover wouldn’t hurt these two. Aside from being the most unattractive potential murders I’ve ever seen, I noticed something more important: Whatever was wrapped up in that tarp had an extension cord sticking out of it…

(To continue the story, Click HERE…)

(To start from the beginning, click HERE

…… ….. ….. …..

(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)

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41 thoughts on “The Most Outlandish Tale About Anxiety and Depression Ever Told”

  1. The Lucky Charms portion was fab. Without hte marshmallows what’s the damned point.
    Plus, we were never allowed to eat cereal with sugar in the ingredients as we kids.
    Therefore: They are evil. Now I know they’re dangerous as well.
    Your chapter w as funny as hell. Loved it.

    1. Thanks, R.C. I really do hate Lucky Charms, haven’t written from a woman’s perspective before, and drew upon what I’ve seen in my wife’s purse for the eyeliner shank idea. Kind of a writing trifecta for me…

    1. Some things are better left unexplained. Until there’s an autopsy, and all those still-undigested marshmallows come out…

      “Look! Blue moons, yellow stars and green clovers!”

  2. Now I know for sure you’re inside my head. First Pet Day when I dog post–and now you reference Lucky Charms, “magically delicious,” the name of my post today? I’m getting creeped out. BTW, Avon Mega Effects Mascara has a bendable wand that juts out at 90 degrees. I hope that is your weapon of choice.

    1. F.R.E.A.K.Y. (did I spell that right?)
      Thanks for the tip about Mega Effects. It will be my weapon of choice should I ever decide to change genders. Until then, I’ll stick with my switchblade pocket comb.

      (Btw, your post was absolutely hilarious πŸ˜‰ )

  3. Oo your potential murderers are extra evil now, because everyone knows the uglier the character the more evil they are. Nice continuation!

      1. Oh profiling is totally legit as long as it’s not racial, right? I’m using fairy tale logic here too, which I hear doesn’t always apply in real life.

  4. Ned, I just wanted to tell you that you look beautiful in mascara, and I like that green shade you showed me the other day the best. And the beauty mark looked good too.

    P.S. Don’t forget to change the forward link to Chris’s actual post – not his blog URL – so that we can keep the story alive \m/

    1. Speaking of updating the post link, I need to do the same to your too, right? If you don’t answer me I’m going to show up with my eyeliner shank…

      1. Don’t shank me, please! Yeah – I totally forgot about that. Shit. I’m almost to the end too…

        I think I’m gonna send an email out to everybody to let them know.

  5. Great follow-up to the (already great) material you were dealt…really like this concept. I don’t know the other writers (yet), so I couldn’t tell with them, but this piece of writing definitely has Ned written all over it, despite it being a departure from your usual (funny) stuff,

    1. Hey, thanks! It was a lot of fun, plus I hadn’t really written from a woman’s perspective before. It was easier than I thought, which concerns me…

      1. Yeah, as I was reading through the various parts of the story I noticed how most of the contributors were female. It was pleasantly refreshing to see you write about mascara as if it was your own.
        There are two explanations for this: One is you’re a good writer. The other is of course that you’re secretly very gay and that you enjoy dancing to Cher’s songs:P

          1. Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s option a: you’re a good writer, though I haven’t read your book yet (it’s awaiting me in the Netherlands, where I’ll be a month from now;))

                1. I hope you know this because you read it in a manual of sorts. I would hate for a guy that has to get up in the middle of the night to drag a dead cow to be chased by his own shadow.

                2. Are you kidding? With experiences like that happening regularly in my life does it sound like I need drugs to bend reality? πŸ˜‰

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