Then and now… Holy cow!

Apparently your characters aren’t the only things who change over time…

Eight years ago this Monday, I signed my first book contract (above left). It was for a collection of my syndicated humor columns called “Humor at the Speed of Life.” I was still a journalist at the time and had finished a 16-year run of my column in 50 newspapers.

Just LOOK at that guy! The youthful joy and hope in the face of a budding author! His eyes are bright! Full of anticipation for the future! I have ARRIVED! he’s thinking. The world is my oyster! Sure, I actually hate oysters because they initiate my gag reflex so bad I can launch one onto the wall from 6 feet away with surprising accuracy. But still… it’s my oyster to gag on!

Ahhhh, it seems like a lifetime ago. Especially when you include the COVID vortex that bent time and aged us all 20 years like when you leave half an avocado out over night.

Continue reading Then and now… Holy cow!

The year of living danglingly

My writing and editing partner, Ella, is really great at attacking dangling participles

A year ago today, I received my official Oregon business license establishing Easy Writer Editing Services as an LLC and, most importantly, a source for the IRS to tax. It was a big leap, especially for someone whose best mark in the long jump was about 4 feet. But sometimes you have to take a risk in order to follow your passion and do what you love rather than just doing what you must.

I’d spent 23 years as a journalist, columnist and eventually newspaper editor before semi-retiring and taking a job as a postal worker delivering mail and packages for the next year-and-a-half. During that time, I met and worked with some amazing folks who perform a very difficult job. I learned — and delivered on — nine different routes, getting know which dogs (and people) would bite and which ones just wanted a cookie. But all along, I felt something was missing. My mind wandered a lot. Story ideas kept nagging, along with my love of working with others who lived there lives in pursuit of utilizing words to communicate, educate and inspire.

I spent the last 6 months as a postal worker formulating and laying the groundwork for my exit strategy. I needed a business name, logo, alcohol a brand, website, alcohol a list of services and a fee structure, not to mention state and federal licensing, a business bank account (can’t cross the money streams without a good money launderer), a computer, business phone, printer, more alcohol an invoicing and payment system — so many details. And what if, after that investment of time and money, it failed?

Continue reading The year of living danglingly

Book launched! Um… now what?

A subtle reminder that my retirement may be in jeopardy.

Writing and publishing a book is a lot like making a pizza. You decide on what kind you’re going to make, then knead it until it’s ready to rise. Next comes the secret sauce, followed by the intricate layering of perfectly placed ingredients (and don’t you dare say pineapple) in order to give it just the right flavor — and finally, sprinkle it with herbs… like it’s fairy dust!

All DONE!

Well… sort of.

I mean, technically, you could eat it at this point.

But you really should bake it first. So, now you need to decide what temperature? How long? Pizza stone or sheet pan? And after it’s done baking, should it be cut into 12 pieces? 10? 8? Folded over and eaten like a giant calzone dripping down your shirt? What about ranch dressing? Pepper flakes? Parmesan?

Your completed book manuscript is like the uncooked pizza; all the ingredients are there but, until it’s baked and cut into publishable slices, no one is going to read it without running the risk of salmonella. (Did I mention I was a chef for 10 years back in the ’90s?)

On Aug. 16, my Northwest-based mystery/suspense novel No Safe Harbor officially went from pages of paper manuscript to 297 pages in a hardcover novel. It was initially met with the level of fanfare one would expect for a humor columnist releasing his first self-published crime novel [insert crickets here]

[NOTE: No crickets were harmed in the making of this blog post]

Continue reading Book launched! Um… now what?

After 20 years, it’s the publication countdown to my first suspense novel

Am I appropriately suspenseful looking?

When I retired from journalism and started my own book and memoir editing service last October, one of the primary reasons was to binge-watch Yellowstone try new vodkas become a TikTok sensation get back to my roots of fiction writing. At the top of the list was dusting off an original manuscript for a suspense novel I had written a draft of back in 1996 called No Safe Harbor.

I was living in Atlanta working as a chef, but spent the better part of a year interviewing detectives, crime scene technicians, and members of the Smyrna Police Department’s Internal Affairs office in my free time. Among those I interviewed was a private investigator named JR Noland who would only speak with me from pay phones. To this day, I still have no idea what he looks like. And since the book was set in Seattle — my absolute favorite big city — but I was in Atlanta, I had to research it the old-fashioned way: by catching a stagecoach to…

Ok, I’m not THAT old. But I did contact the Seattle Chamber of Commerce and lied pretended I was moving there and needed all the information I could get.

Hey, Google Maps and internet searches weren’t things back then.

Continue reading After 20 years, it’s the publication countdown to my first suspense novel

The commencement speech no one asked me to give

Wisdom isn’t about knowing everything—or searching for it on a smartphone—but about understanding what you don’t know.

To the graduates, faculty members, parents, dignitaries, misinformed wedding crashers, and Visa/MasterCard representatives who have gathered here today, I am honored to have the opportunity to address this group of graduating seniors and impart the wisdom I have gained since my own graduation from high school nearly 150 years ago.

Standing before you today, I see the anticipation on your faces as each of you realizes what sharing my wisdom with you means: Possibly the shortest commencement speech in school history.

Before long, you will step forward and receive the culmination of 12—possibly 14—years of education. You will shake hands with some of those who have helped guide you to this milestone. And unless your last name begins with a “Z,” you will return to your seat as the rest your classmates step forward to receive their diplomas. That’s when you silently think to yourself, “I really shouldn’t have had that second bottle of Mountain Dew.”

But you will sit quietly, probably cross-legged, and deal with it. You are now officially your own person—making your own decisions, embracing the rewards and accepting the consequences of those decisions—as you embark on a journey of independence in a world of your own making.

Continue reading The commencement speech no one asked me to give

Exercising ye olde inspirational muscle

Barbed wire always catches my eye… (see what I did there?)

As I mentioned a few posts ago, each morning I find a photo I’ve taken — sometimes for the sole purpose of creating these daily memes, other times to the chagrin of my kids — and turn them into a meme offering advice or an inspirational thought to share with other writers. After 25 years, I have acquired a lot of baggage wisdom on the subject of writing. I share these daily affirmations to my editing service’s Facebook and Instagram pages for multiple reasons.

Aside from the opportunity to offer a thought or insight that a fellow writer might be needing that particular day (it happens), it’s also a great way to jumpstart my creative day, whether working on someone’s else’s manuscript or my own. Though some celebrated writers like Hemingway had a different approach to finding their creative muse, I have found it beneficial — and this is just me — to not be passed out drunk by 11 a.m.

So, I make memes, blending images with a kernel of inspiration, knowledge, insight or occasionally popcorn. But generally it’s the first three.

Continue reading Exercising ye olde inspirational muscle

No peeking at my stuff until tomorrow

It’s Chapter Three, not porn! Sheesh!

In the highly competitive world of unpublished mystery novel manuscripts (it’s a thing), one can never be too careful. Which is why I keep each chapter of my new book, No Safe Harbor, under wraps, cellophane and occasionally my bed until… well…

Saturday mornings at 9 a.m., when I post it for the whole world to see (apparently it really IS a small world.) So, sure, maybe I am overreacting. And maybe the teddy bear I gutted and stuffed with a Go-Pro aimed at my desk 24-7 is a bit much. But hey! It’s a M-Y-S-T-E-R-Y novel! Doesn’t this add an element of M-Y-S-T-E-R-Y by making it a secret until it’s posted? It’s so secret, in fact, that I make our dog leave the room while I’m writing each chapter in this final draft.

Sure, drafts one through three — who cares? I even let a stray cat into the room for that.

But the final draft? No way.

Continue reading No peeking at my stuff until tomorrow

Giving the cold shoulder to Frozen Food Month

I feel you, dog

It’s been more than 80 years since Clarence Birdseye, inspired by ancient food preservation methods used by Arctic Eskimos, made history by introducing the very first frozen food option: “Savory Caribou on a Stick.” Though his first selection was met with little enthusiasm, Birdseye persisted and eventually created a line of frozen vegetables that many of us are still gagging on today.

I, for one, am still unable to walk past lima beans in the frozen food section without getting the dry heaves. This reaction stems from my childhood, and a spoonful of lima beans I’ve been trying to swallow since 1973.

Unless you’ve been hermetically sealed and stuck in a freezer, you already know March is “National Frozen Food Month.” Coincidentally, I should mention this happens to fall in the same month as “National Ear Muff Day,” “Extraterrestrial Abduction Day” and “National Pig Day,” meaning that, for anyone whose pig happened to be wearing ear muffs at the time it was flash frozen by alien abductors, this is a big month for you. 

Continue reading Giving the cold shoulder to Frozen Food Month

A photographic mind… sort of

Even if this train will never leave the station, it doesn’t mean it can’t take us somewhere

Photography has always been a big part of my life, stemming from my early love of cinema and continuing through photography classes in high school, my many years in journalism and, now, as a way to tap back into my creative roots.

Part of the journey in this new chapter of returning to creative fiction, conjoined with helping writers through my editing services, has been a daily effort to blend the two into inspirational opportunities. The result has been a routine of beginning each day by taking one of my photos and utilizing it to illustrate an important point, tip or simple encouragement for my fellow writers. What started out as a promotional tool has developed into something I hadn’t anticipated: a morning meditation of dovetailing two of the things I love most.

It’s kind of a version of haiku, challenging myself to find the just the right words, within a limited space, that embellish a photo in a very specific way.

Continue reading A photographic mind… sort of

Because Lynn asked me to…

After seeing my latest post offering survival tips for parents attending high school bowling tournaments, Lynn at “Life After 50” asked to see photos of how one of my tips — bringing a lifeguard chair instead of a foldable chair — can improve your viewing experience.

Here are just a few examples of how the experienced parent can avoid the rush for a good seat by showing up anytime they want… as long as they have their own lifeguard chair…

Why rush to stand in line at 6 a.m. when you can bring your own “Best Seat In the House?!?”

Continue reading Because Lynn asked me to…