As professionals, this is a scenario we train for. We know how to recognize a potential โsituationโ that could leave us vulnerable and without back-up. Yet, as we learned today, all it takes is a momentary lapse in resoluteness for things to escalate into a full-blown crisis.
โHas anyone seen Bill?โ (Note: The names in this dramatic re-enactment have been changed to protect the innocent, such as myself, from being physically assaulted by โBill.โ)
A cursory sweep of the newsroom lead to an exhaustive search of the front office, sales room, break area, composition department and, eventually, the restrooms.
Total elapsed time: 1 minutes, 30 seconds.
(Weโre a small paper.)
Being that we are seasoned journalists capable of recognizing the most subtle signs of trouble, and given the fact that the news department is within six feet of the bathrooms, we quickly deduced that a toilet brush being jammed repeatedly under the doorframe meant a potential situation was brewing. And due to the respect Iโve gained from my peers in the news department, coupled with the fact that I was standing closest to the door, I was asked to investigate.
After talking with โBillโ and confirming that the adjacent restroom and storage area were, indeed, also without toilet paper, it became clear that our doomsday scenario had developed into the โperfect storm.โ
I explained the situation to our publisher, who looked grim as he gathered us around his desk. โYouโre positive a roll didnโt fall behind one of the commodes.โ
I shook my head.
โWhat about the medicine cabinets?โ he blurted. โMaybe somebody stuffed one in there. Or above one of the ceiling tiles?!โ
Our editor put a steady hand on his shoulder. โThis isnโt helping, and the clock is ticking.โ
Everyone exchanged uneasy glances. We knew โBillโ had been sitting there for a good 20 minutes.
Completely alone.
Except for the scrub brush, and what must have been a difficult decision to use it as a signal for help.
โWhat about paper towels?โ someone asked.
โWe switched to those stupid hand driers, remember?โ
The frustration was tangible.
โMaybe Bill could turn around and aim his …โ
A unanimous look of disgust immediately squelched my idea. โSorry,โ I muttered. โI just feel so helpless.โ
โWhat about asking if anyone has some tissue, or a handkerchief they donโt want anymore?โ someone suggested.
Our publisher put his fist down. โIโm responsible for the safety of everyone in this building. I canโt risk starting a panic!โ
And so it went.
Out of respect for โBill,โ I canโt divulge exactly how he was rescued. What I CAN tell you is he drew on his journalistic experience to get out of a tight spot.
In a completely unrelated matter, if anyone has an extra phone book, please bring it by the office. Ours seems to be missing the โGovernmentโ pages.
(You can write to Ned Hickson at nhickson@thesiuslawnews.com, or at the Siuslaw News at P.O. Box 10, Florence, OR 97439.)
“Out of respect for โBill,โ I canโt divulge exactly how he was rescued. What I CAN tell you is he drew on his journalistic experience to get out of a tight spot.”
Yes, I agree that it is best to keep the lid down on this story.
Hahaha! Fortunately, “Bill” avoided eating at the Enfermo Taco for lunch. Otherwise, there would have been no way to keep from blowing the lid off ๐
HAHAHAHAHA!
Thanks for the giggle. I needed that!
As usual, a great chuckle – toilet paper is one of those necessary items that has the potential to bring the world to a screeching halt! ๐
Thanks, Lynette. And that’s so true โ especially for journalists, who are always trying to wipe out corruption…
A great comeback – chortle, chortle!
๐ My best wishes to you in the New Year, Lynette!