Insuring your buttocks could require a big premium

Buttocks appraisor Being that Jennifer Lopez was reportedly able to insure her buttocks for a million dollars, and British food critic Egon Ronay had his taste buds insured for $400,000, I couldn’t help but wonder how much I could get for my legs.

After filling out the necessary paperwork and submitting a photo, it turns out my legs have a combined net worth of just over $68.50.

That’s according to Lloyd’s of London, which assured me its appraisal was pretty much the going rate for hairy-legged,40-something, non-celebrities. As you can imagine, I was absolutely shocked by the insurance company’s appraisal of my legs’ value, and immediately responded by firing back a letter telling them — in no uncertain terms — to sign me up before they changed their mind.

That’s right. For just $100 a month, I have the security of knowing that in the event of an accident, my legs — just like our vehicles and home — will be assessed by an experienced claims adjustor and immediately declared a total loss.

No matter how minimal the damage.

That’s because, in each case, I’ve already paid more into the policy than I’ll ever get back. For example: Both of our cars are more than 15 years old. Both have full coverage. Each costs us about $800 a year to insure. And, according to the Blue Book reference chart, their combined net value is still worth less than the premium on my legs. In fact, the only way I might be able to break even with all these policies is if the following were to happen:

While using one car to tow the other, my legs suddenly catch fire, causing me to drive both vehicles directly into the side of our house.

Being an average insurance holder, I find this disparity in “attribute value” hard to understand. Especially when I think about my wife’s buttocks.

I’m sorry.
What was I saying..?

The point is, my legs shouldn’t be any less valuable than, say….Michael Flatley’s, which Lloyd’s of London insured for $25 million.

Okay, sure. He is Mr. Lord of the Dance.

And yes, his legs can do things mine could only do if I were dancing barefoot on a mound of writhing scorpions covered with cooking spray. At the same time, I’ve seen the Riverdance DVD. As impressive as it was, my footwork in a video taken of me trying to run past the water sprinkler while carrying two cats was equally impressive.

And, if I may add, a lot more dangerous.

In fact, plans are being made to release this exciting video, which includes footage of:

My sprinkler dance with the cats.
Our neighbors making tourniquets.
Me riding in an ambulance.
All of this performed to the dramatic musical score of Cat Scratch Fever.

As an added bonus, the first 100 people to buy Sprinklerdance will also get a free documentary about skin grafts.

That said, I must issue a disclaimer telling anyone who watches this video NOT to attempt sprinklerdancing at home. Unfortunately, this warning came too late for one celebrity who received an advanced copy. The good news is, seeing that her buttocks were already insured for a million dollars, she’s expected to make a full recovery.

The cats, however, are another story.

(You can write to Ned Hickson at, or at Siuslaw News, P.O. Box 10, Florence, Ore. 97439)

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Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

35 thoughts on “Insuring your buttocks could require a big premium”

  1. the picture reminds me of a headline i seen on a tabloid paper while standing in the grocery store checkout line several years ago. the headline read “Oprah’s Butt Grows by 3 Inches!” of course i could not resist writing my own satirical take on that topic. 😀
    have a good one!

  2. Sign me up for a copy of Sprinklerdance!! I’m still laughing about your legs catching fire and driving both cars into the side of your house. You sir, are truly one of the funniest men I know (well, sort of know….you know)!!

    1. He’s now attached for a three-movie deal, taking a “Memento” approach where I wake up laying in the sprinkler, wondering where I got all the scratches — then we work backwards. Possibly in 3D. I’ll keep you posted.

  3. I would like to order a copy of the sprinkler dance! But please do not send with same boy that was suppose to bring coffee… I’m still waiting, or should we must put his mug on the milk cartoon or better yet coffee cans? By the way my friend does an incredible lawnmower dance that I might have to post, haha 🙂

    1. LOL!! Definitely the coffee cans! LOL! As for the Sprinklerdance video, someone mentioned I should wait for Christopher Nolan to agree to direct the franchise re-boot 🙂

      1. I’m on it! Since I don’t know what the young fellow looks like we might get a lot of calls for a stick figure drawing with the word boy underneath it 🙂 I will patiently wait for that video lol

        1. Just got off the phone with Chris. He’s up for the re-boot. Something gritty. Instead of actual cats, he’s thinking possibly involving two “Catwomen” in the sprinklers. Why do I have the feeling I’m going to be written out of this script…

  4. I’m Irish so naturally I will need a copy of Sprinklerdance.
    Um, who is in that photo? who’s arse? is that a famous arse because that arse is distressing.

    1. Hahaha! I think it’s Kim Kardashian, but I’m not sure. It just seemed right for the part 😉 Oh, and as soon as we get the 3D track to work, Sprinklerdance will be on its way to you. Get the sprinkler going…

  5. Hey there!
    I don’t know if you do awards but I just nominated you for the “Liebster Award”. I hope you don’t mind.
    I really like your stories as they always make me laugh.
    Please check my post “Liebster Award” on
    All the best,
    Xx Scarlett

    1. I’m a bad person… terrible… and a dork… and obviously decaffeinated. I’m so sorry, Scarlett, I totally missed this comment until this morning! Thank you so much, and of course I don’t mind. (actually I’m really PO’d right now, but I’m hiding it really well, don’t you think?) Truly: Thank you, Scarlett 😉

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