Insuring your buttocks could require a big premium

Buttocks appraisor Being that Jennifer Lopez was reportedly able to insure her buttocks for a million dollars, and British food critic Egon Ronay had his taste buds insured for $400,000, I couldn’t help but wonder how much I could get for my legs.

After filling out the necessary paperwork and submitting a photo, it turns out my legs have a combined net worth of just over $68.50.

That’s according to Lloyd’s of London, which assured me its appraisal was pretty much the going rate for hairy-legged,40-something, non-celebrities. As you can imagine, I was absolutely shocked by the insurance company’s appraisal of my legs’ value, and immediately responded by firing back a letter telling them — in no uncertain terms — to sign me up before they changed their mind.

That’s right. For just $100 a month, I have the security of knowing that in the event of an accident, my legs — just like our vehicles and home — will be assessed by an experienced claims adjustor and immediately declared a total loss.

No matter how minimal the damage.

That’s because, in each case, I’ve already paid more into the policy than I’ll ever get back. For example: Both of our cars are more than 15 years old. Both have full coverage. Each costs us about $800 a year to insure. And, according to the Blue Book reference chart, their combined net value is still worth less than the premium on my legs. In fact, the only way I might be able to break even with all these policies is if the following were to happen:

While using one car to tow the other, my legs suddenly catch fire, causing me to drive both vehicles directly into the side of our house.

Being an average insurance holder, I find this disparity in “attribute value” hard to understand. Especially when I think about my wife’s buttocks.

I’m sorry.
What was I saying..?

The point is, my legs shouldn’t be any less valuable than, say….Michael Flatley’s, which Lloyd’s of London insured for $25 million.

Okay, sure. He is Mr. Lord of the Dance.

And yes, his legs can do things mine could only do if I were dancing barefoot on a mound of writhing scorpions covered with cooking spray. At the same time, I’ve seen the Riverdance DVD. As impressive as it was, my footwork in a video taken of me trying to run past the water sprinkler while carrying two cats was equally impressive.

And, if I may add, a lot more dangerous.

In fact, plans are being made to release this exciting video, which includes footage of:

My sprinkler dance with the cats.
Our neighbors making tourniquets.
Me riding in an ambulance.
All of this performed to the dramatic musical score of Cat Scratch Fever.

As an added bonus, the first 100 people to buy Sprinklerdance will also get a free documentary about skin grafts.

That said, I must issue a disclaimer telling anyone who watches this video NOT to attempt sprinklerdancing at home. Unfortunately, this warning came too late for one celebrity who received an advanced copy. The good news is, seeing that her buttocks were already insured for a million dollars, she’s expected to make a full recovery.

The cats, however, are another story.

(You can write to Ned Hickson at, or at Siuslaw News, P.O. Box 10, Florence, Ore. 97439)

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Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

26 thoughts on “Insuring your buttocks could require a big premium”

  1. So, you’re saying your legs are actually worth $34.25 each? Hmmm. After the latest tax hike, I have determined that with a carefully managed program of thrifty scrimping and saving, I can afford ONE of them. Do you take PayPal? And is one prettier than the other? Say, with cute little dimples around the knees, for instance? I’m quite fond of dimpled knees. (Don’t ask.) I could go as much as $40, if the shipping costs are reasonable.

  2. I want to see the Cat Scratch Fever video/youtube or whatever with the sprinkler and the cats and you crazy man. Hope it would not end with an ambulance ride as predicted! But insuring those hairy legs may be a necessary step to future fame and fortune!

      1. Yeah, there’s an explanation for that. See “My apologies in advance for being a dork.” Actually, you probably don’t have to — I’m sure that just explained it all…

    1. No problem. And I have seen your posts there, but only on occasion — which is why I follow you. Someone had suggested to me that I need to put in as many keyword tags as possible before posting, so that it will reach more venues. When I realized my posts weren’t appearing anymore, I contacted the WordPress questions forum. That’s when Timethief explained that if you tag more than 15 categories, WordPress will automatically disallow the post to go anywhere other than to your followers and your blog. This is done to keep people from blanketing every category, which makes sense. I had started listing keywords and averaging about 18 to 20 tags, which is when my posts stopped going to the general board. As long as you keep it to less than 15 tags, you should be good. I’m now limiting myself to 8 at the most. Kind of like my sexual positions once I entered my mid 40s…

    2. OK, so here’s more evidence of my dorkness; I obviously replied to you instead of List of X with my long-winded explanation about posting. See? The Wienermobile is more than just a symbolic representation…

No one is watching, I swear...

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