So let’s say you’re a HUGE Twilight fan. And let’s say you’re looking through the literary website Gliterary Girl in search of the latest book reviews in order to find a good book for spring break…. When suddenly, and without warning, you stumble across a review about the new Twilight book YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WAS BEING RELEASED?!? How could this HAPPEN?!? Who is RESPONSIBLE?! Why was there nothing in my Twilight Fan Club email?!
That was the catalyst for my review of Eclipsed Sunset, the latest book in the Twilight series which, as it so happens, doesn’t actually exist. My friend Sara, who is the editor and a contributor at Gliterary Girl, posted it this morning at 8 a.m. London time.
Didn’t you hear the screaming?
Unlike this post, there was no such introduction.
This could be fun…
Twilight: Eclipsed Sunset
Review By Ned Hickson
Rating: 4 out of 5 moons
Genre: Romantic teen anxiety horror
Format: Hardcover, e-Book, audio book, comic book, cook book and Japanese Kabuchi dancing.
Release Date: Pending
Recommended Reading: Age 10 + (16+ in Arkansas with picture book)
Spoilers: Yes, but only if you read the book after this review.
The Gist: Eclipsed Sunset is the eagerly anticipated next chapter in the highly successful Twilight series, which spawned 116 million copies in 38 languages, five major motion pictures, two companion books, a children’s educational book (Why Werewolves Give Each Other Piggyback Rides), and a world-wide shortage of black eyeliner.
Originally titled Midnight Sun and renamed Eclipsed Sunset, the initial draft — which was a re-telling of the original Twilight book from “Edward’s” point of view — was abandoned following the unauthorized release of several chapters which, according to the book’s publishers, “revealed critical plot points” to the eight people who didn’t read it the first time.
Eclipsed Sunset takes a completely new direction from the previous books, leaping ahead one year to when Renesmee, Bella and Edward’s half-human, half-vampire daughter, begins terrorizing the coven, threatening the Volturi, obsessing over boy bands and backtalking her parents as a result of her highly accelerated pubescent hormones.
Eclipsed Sunset is a cautionary tale, set against the mythical backdrop of Twilight, that explores how the qualities that make Renesmee human are “eclipsed” by her supernatural and often irrational need to get snippy with her parents.
A year after the climactic confrontation with the Volturi, during which the 150-year-old vampire-human “Nahuel” demonstrates that crossbreeds pose no threat to any vampire covens, Renesmee’s fast-paced growth rate slows at age 15.
However, because Renesmee is the first female human-vampire, and knowing the Volturi have taken a special interest in their daughter, Edward and Bella undertake special precautions by tracking her whereabouts through her smartphone; setting a daytime curfew; monitoring her Facebook activity; and implementing parental controls on her Netflix account. This enrages the highly volatile Renesmee, who finds herself driven into the arms of a new character, a 100-year-old sexually frustrated teenage zombie named Richard Deadwood.
Naturally, Jacob Black the werewolf, whose “imprint” on Renesmee as a baby makes him fiercely protective, takes an instant dislike to the undead Richard, who routinely fuels the hatred by removing body parts and tossing them for Jacob to fetch.
This sets up a fiery triangle that draws the attention of the Volturi, who threaten to return to the small town of Forks and unleash another deadly premonition battle that never really happens.
Fearful for her family and herself, Renesmee runs away from Forks, prompting Jacob and Richard to put aside their differences and find her before it’s too late, and there’s the need for a sequel.
What makes this book work so well is the believability of its characters. Throughout the first four books I have to admit, while they were entertaining, I found Bella’s father,
“Ned,” “Charlie” the only accurately depicted character.
However, as a father with daughters ages 12 and 18, I was drawn into Eclipsed Sunset because of the well-crafted believability of Renesmee.
In one scene, for example, Edward asks Renesmee to “tidy her room before going out to feed,” and, because of her super strength, “the splintering of old-growth mahogany thundered through the house as Renesmee, in her anger, destroyed each step as she stomped up the staircase to her room.”
And while I initially scoffed at the introduction of the new character Richard Deadwood because I felt the book was pandering to the current zombie craze, I quickly realized his anxiety about his [spoiler alert!] dropping off was really an attempt to explore the loss of manhood many men feel when they are subjected to the relentless sight of Jacob’s torso.
That’s what I’ve been told, anyway.
I found Eclipsed Sunset an enjoyable, well-written read that not only entertains, but begs the question:
If my daughter were a vampire…
Wait, IS she?!?
(You can write to Ned at firstname.lastname@example.org, or at Siuslaw News, P.O. Box 10, Florence, Ore 97439)
16 thoughts on “My review of a book that doesn’t actually exist”
Brilliant. Now, that is a book I would read.
Funnily enough I too have written a Twilight related post, coming tomorrow . . . only now it doesn’t seem worth posting 😦
I somehow — and TOTALLY — doubt that! Can’t wait to read it! We may be the only voices of sanity on the subject 🙂
Oh my gosh you have me rolling! That was too funny. And the scary thing is that you put just enough truth in to make us wonder… Ok, picking myself up off the floor now! 🙂
Romantic Teen Anxiety Horror!
I have two teenaged daughters. Trust me, it’s an apt description. If you’re a parent, you already know this 🙂
Zombies in Forks, huh? Maybe Richard Deadwood deserves a spin-off series? It could be a comedy. Richard denounces human-brain-eating and goes “Cullen” by only eating the brains of wild animals. Maybe I’ll go write that right now.
HAHAHA! I’ll be the first on Amazon to buy it!
Give me a week or so, I’ll let you know
That makes sense; I guess you’ll need the extra six days for making copies at Kinkos…
Okay, so it’s been a week, and I still haven’t finished this book yet, or found a Kinkos nearby. I did write 2 chapters of a draft, but this was a busy week. I just wanted to check in with you and let you know it’s going to be a little longer before the Zombie version of Twilight is ready, but it will happen. I take my joke blog post reply commitments seriously.
I hate to say it, but I heard Suzanne Collins is releasing a new zombie series called Hunger Brains on Monday. You better hurry. No matter what, I promise to buy yours first. Like you, I take my joke blog promises seriously. You do accept Monopoly money, right?
What other kind of money is there? But first, I have to admit I just pounded my fist on the desk and then shook it towards the ceiling and said “Blast you Suzanne Collins, you are always two or three steps ahead of me!” Honestly. I said and did that.
Hunger Brains. That’s funny. I’m going to go laugh about it for a while.
I share your pain, Paul. Seriously. My fist is throbbing right now, too. Why couldn’t one of us have written 50 Shades of Twilight Games? It’s just not fair…
Finally, it is finished. http://paulbrodie.net/2013/10/23/never-trust-a-zombie-chapter-1/