(Fridays are always a good reason to get excited! And not just if you’re a cross-dresser who tells his wife he “works late at the office” on Friday nights while secretly going by the name “Bobbi.” No! The other reason to get excited — and this includes you, too, Bobbi — is that it’s also time for “Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing.” Or as some people have suggested, “Ned’s NWOW,” which is definitely the kind of thing that could stick, unless I use a disinfectant. As always, today’s Nickel’s Worth is brought to you by Gliterary Girl, a literary website where I’m a regular contributor each week, or at least until they change the pass code…)
It’s rare when an author of this caliber agrees to acknowledge your presence, let alone be interviewed and, during the course of that interview, actually speak. So you can imagine my excitement at having gotten award-winning and self-proclaimed best-selling author Ima Knowitall to discuss her career and upcoming book release, Time-traveling Vampire of Love. She has been heralded by the New York Times as “…our generation’s J.K. Rowling, mixed with E.L. James, if they weren’t already from our generation, and if she added initials to her name.”
High praise indeed.
In addition, Knowitall has been recognized by prestiges writers’ groups across the globe, such as London’s famous Nouns of the Baskerville, Seattle’s Puget Sound Pronouns and the Dangling Participles of Dublin. The author of more than 40 online novels this past year, Knowitall has received the coveted Prolific Speller Award, the Hemmingway Award for “longest run-on sentence of 2013 and 2014” (same sentence) and, most recently, she was honored by the Society of Illiterate Columnists (SIC) for her contributions to “…the advancement of people who write without the shackles of proper grammar.”
Though our meeting was originally set for a fancy, overpriced eatery in Beverly Hills where, according to Knowitall, she is so well known that her meals are generally waiting for her by the time she is seated at her private table, there has been a sudden change in plans and, instead, we will be meeting at a lesser-known Del Taco in Culver City, just outside of Los Angeles. She calls ahead, letting me know that her limo driver is “out with gout” (even in casual conversation she is a wordsmith!), which means she’ll be driving another car from her fleet.
When she arrives a short time later in her 1986 Ford Fiesta, she is careful to avoid drawing attention to herself, telling me that her celebrity could quickly turn our low-profile meeting into a mob scene of autograph hounds and paparazzi. She suggests I order for the both of us while she finds a seat at the back of the restaurant, explaining that her assistant will contact me later about the reimbursement.
Ned Hickson (NH): In your novel Winter of Icy Hearts That Melt, you write of the love between an ice cream truck driver and the man who mends her broken tailpipe. Are your novels based on your own life experiences?
Ima Knowitall (IK): (Finishing her second taco) Yes. I love ice cream. And my Fiesta was backfiring a lot. I went to have it fixed, and the guy who worked on it was a total hunk. I wrote the whole story outline on a Mr. Lubes-a-Lot note pad while I waited.
NH: Before writing Four-Alarm Fire of Love, which is set in a busy fire station, did you spend time at an actual fire station gathering research?
IK: (Finishing her third taco) Every fire station has “sleepers,” which are firefighters who live at the fire station in three-day shifts. I spent many, many hours getting to know them. They actually gave me the nickname “Ima Sleepover.”
NH: That’s fantastic! Did you get to sleep with them at the station?
IK: No, not at the station… (finishes her soda)
NH: Um, many authors stress the importance of having a writing routine. Do you have a writing routine you swear by?
IK: Yes. I swear a lot while I write, which is to say all the time. I’d be outlining a story on this empty food sack and cursing right now if I had something to write with. Hey, is that a Crayon over there..?
NH: Wait, one last question.
IK: Ok, then I have a question for you — so shoot.
NH: If you could give an aspiring writer one piece of advice that could change their lives, what would it be?
IK: That’s an easy one: Buy my books.
NH: Fair enough. Did you have a question?
IK: Yeah, are you going to eat that last taco…?
Next Week: Since my book is humorous, should I go shirtless?
Ned's Blog 
Ned, I swear, you are more fun than walking naked in a strange place. Whooee, NH, you do know how to set up a Friday.
Lol! Thanks, Judy! You know, there could be even more fun walking naked in a familiar place 😉
I used to dream about showing up at school starkers. Wasn’t any fun at all, actually.
I would have shared my pajamas, which I always had nightmares about showing up to school in.
Clearly you were no where near as freaked out as I was about the possibility of making anything less than an A in every class. Wow, I hadn’t thought about that in years … and now I appreciate my totally Zen current life ten times as much!!
As I tell myself each day: If I can make just one person feel better about having dreams of being naked in school, I have done my job.
Much as I suspected, you are a true nurturer. Nurturing Ned, that’s how I refer to you when touting your many charms and talents.
That is much nicer than some of the things I’ve been called 😉
Look ned is funny, but c’mon walking naked? What would you rather hear someone tell you they did this weekend
Thanks for defending my honor, Tom. Wait, that IS what you’re doing… right? I’m on the fence here. And it’s not anywhere near a nude beach or anything…
Well if you’re on the fence, I would advise against going anywhere naked. Never climb a chain-link fence while naked. Hearing about that injury hurts.
Once I clear the barbed wire, I should be good. Or neutered.
Depends entirely upon their flair for colorful description.
Comment above aimed at iamtomnardone in answer to his question … ^^^
I kind of figured that. Tom has a way if drawing fire…!
Just wait ’til he discovers how accurate my aim is …
Lol! I don’t doubt that for a second!
😉
I think “Walking Naked In A Strange Place” could be a title for one of Ima’s books. I like it. It has a great beat, and is easy to dance to. I’d give it a ten. Oh, wait. I’m confused again. Someone has been messing with my meds.
Yet another perilous adventure for my keyboard, which is in serious danger of shorting out from one too many Earl Grey showers. You are DA BOMB, Ned. I don’t care what anyone says about you!!
😀
I don’t know if I could use the title “Walkig Naked in a Strange Place.” Wasn’t that the title of Mylie Cyrus’s new autobiography?
See, this is why you are DA BOMB, Ned. You know stuff like that. *snort* I bow down to you, O’ Wise One.
😯
Marcia, is there any way I could get you to talk to my kids about how wise I am? I tell them all the time and they don’t believe me. 😉
Only if you’ll talk to mine, in return. I’ve lost them. Their once shining and innocent faces no longer gaze up at Mommy in wonder, following her every sentence with bated breath, and taking her every pronouncement as gospel. Oh, wait. They never did that, actually. But they also didn’t think I was a total doofus, either, which they pretty much do now. I finally figured that out because they said to me, “Mom, you are a total doofus.”
Sooo…hate to tell you this, Ned, but if your kids are too old for Spongebob Squarepants, you are pretty much relegated to the lowest levels of human intelligence in their view. They probably think they stand a better chance of engaging in intelligent conversation with an overripe cranberry than with their dad. This will last another 30 years. Or more. At least.
Good luck!
Hahaha! I think I’ll just change my name to SquareNed Sponge Pants and see who has the last laugh when I come visit them… 😉
5 stars Ned. I have to work this weekend, but thanks all the same for the send off.
You’re welcome, Tom. I’m working too, so we’ll get through it TOGETHER. Just in different parts of the country. And time zones.
At first, Ima rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe it was because of her ‘know it all’ attitude. But as I got deeper into the interview she started to grow on me. That girl knows how to put down a taco!
Lol! You didn’t have to sit across from her, though. I’m just glad I had one of those giant margarita glasses filled with Lime-ade to shield all that flying taco meat. Still, I’m considering doing a follow up interview once her new book, “In Space, No One Can Hear You Love” comes out later this month.
“That’s salsa, folks!” #MissedOpportunities
Ouch, Ross — I think my brain just burped. We have to ge together some time and speak only in Tom Swifties… i.e., “I love baked goods,” Tom retorted. Or “I’ll take a hot dog,” Tom said with relish. You get the idea. Could be fun. Or maybe just annoying to everyone else, which is good too.
“Fuck everyone else!” Tom ejaculated.
“Got THAT right!” Tom said, then left.
Also, I was too busy being Mr. Clever Boots to say that this piece was really funny.
Many thanks, CB!
I like salt and lime with my tacos….
But how do you keep them from falling off the rim of your margarita glass?
Oh hell. They go with the clothes.
You should pride yourself on being practical. It’s a gift, truly.
Shhhh. Don’t tell nobody. Can we keep it a secret. Practically speaking?
: )
Keep what a secret? *over-exagerated possibly slightly intoxicated wink*
….dat uh I uh like …hehe…tacos with my ….hehe…hiccup ….with my line uh I mean lime and salt. hiccup. can you please pass me the Jose. I yoquirotacobell. *slightly exaggerated can’t spell Spanish intoxicated you know happens when drink lime and salt*
Hahahaha! Whatever you do, don’t make a run for the border. You might trip and fall.
Look at what you’ve done Ned… now aside from day dreaming at work about who will attend my awesome dinner party (you know, Ellen Degeneres, and Hugh Jackman, and such) I will start having interviews in my head too… because the possibilities are endless! 🙂 Happy Friday!!
As long as you keep them in your head, I don’t see the problem. Now, if you start setting extra plates and silverware and taping 8x10s to the chairs at the table, we’ll need to talk. No to “them,” but a professional 😉 And by the way, Happy Friday to you, too 🙂
LOL… honestly, I think you may be giving me more ideas at this point! Hahaha!
oh hell… Maybe I’M the one who needs help?!?
Should I reserve a seat for you at the table?? 😉 Everyone gets their own wine bottle.. you know keep’n it classy lol
Better mine mine a box. That way I probably won’t knock it over.
Gotcha! 🙂 I remember those from college hehe
This was hilarious!!! I still have tears rolling down my eyes. Don’t you just loooove prententious people? Especially the ones who aren’t even good at being pretentious such as Ima Knowitall. Did you ever hear back from her assistant about the reimbursement? Lol. I hope she was able to successfully dodge the paparazzi after the interview and make it home in her 27 year old car! Thanks for the much needed laugh.
Still waiting for my reimbursement: Twenty-five dollars in 99-cent tacos.
Oh my. Can’t stop giggling … 🙂
If there’s a sudden taco shortage, you know where it started.
Not sure who looked more desperate: Ima for the meal or you for the interview…..
Lol! I think it’s a draw, although she got the better half of the deal.
Maybe not. Her tummy was full once, but you have material that you can make fun of again and again, theoretically speaking.
Without a doubt, we’ll hear from Ima again when her next book “In Space, No One Can Hear You Love” comes out 😉
Hmmm…I can see “In space no one can hear you fart” but LOVE? I cant wait to see where THAT “heads”.
Haha! Yeah, “Fifty Shades of Grey” meets “Alien.”
ima’s sister, youra, is upset because she thought that she was the biggest knowitall, and now come to find out she has been trumped once again, by you giving ima the exclusive!
Hahahaha! No doubt, Youra will go whining to their their parents, Heeza abd Sheeza, about it like she always does.
when asked for a response to all this, here’s what she said, ‘i know ima, but what are youra?!’