Imagine my surprise when, on Wednesday, I opened my email to find something other than a window full of male enhancement offers and senior dating website links? That’s right. Sandwiched between them was something totally unexpected; something that meant a window of possibilities was about to open. I’m sure you’ve probably guessed what I’m talking about:
An email from a dethroned prince in Mozambique looking for an American bank account to send his fortune to for safe keeping.
It was while contemplating the legitimacy of Prince Imgonna Takeyourmonee’s offer that I noticed another email, this time with a name that was much easier to pronounce: Cheri Lucas Rowlands. She informed me that my latest post (If you can’t fix it with gum and duct tape, it’s not a real VW bus), was going to be Freshly Pressed.
She also told me if the excitement lasted for more than four hours, I should see a doctor.
Wait… sorry, wrong email.
But she did say to be prepared for a lot of activity on my blog — and she was right. I’ve spent the last two days responding to hundreds of people who have left some really nice comments, like “I am liking your interesting site very much,” and “Glad I found your site. Learn how I made 3 million dollars in two weeks blogging as a prince from Mozambique.” As a result of all this blog traffic, I have fallen behind on my posting.
So does that mean I don’t have this week’s edition of Ned’s Nickel’s Worth on Writing?
Yes and no. For those who are visiting for the first time, I should explain that each Friday I post something insightful about writing, pulled from 15 years as a humor columnist. It doesn’t matter from where I pull this wisdom from. And trust me when I say you probably don’t want to know. What I can tell you is that it’s a feature some of today’s best writers have called, “The kind of advice I wish I had been given when I was first starting out, back when I was a busboy,” and “Each week I find myself at Ned’s blog, where I often take a long nap.”
This week, however, I’m going to do something a little different. And no, this isn’t like the last time I tried to “do something different” by typing with my feet. As we all know, that was a disaster and led to the worst toe cramps ever. This week, I’m looking for your insight and feedback. As some of you know, I just finished the final draft of Humor at the Speed of Life, which is a book I have coming out in November. Possibly sooner, if I can get all the pages stapled by then. This morning, I am posting the introduction here. The purpose of the short intro, titled “This Just In…” (which some of you will find familiar) is to give readers a feel for the tone of the book, as well as the idea behind it.
I’ll let you decide if it works, and welcome any feedback or suggestions you may have, as long as it comes in the form of praise.
Seriously, thank you in advance for your thoughts. Especially you, the one with the hot mocha. Those weren’t exactly the thoughts I had in mind, but I like your thinking…
This Just In…
After 15 years as a humor columnist, it finally hit me. And by that I mean my editor’s stapler. She had been threatening to throw it since 2004, when I first discovered the secret candy drawer she had cleverly labeled: Extra Work for Reporters. For the past nine years she had been warning me, “If you don’t stay out of my candy drawer, I am going to set this thing for ‘stun’ and hurl it at you!” On this particular day, I received an answer to the age-old question: What would you do for a Kit-Kat Bar?
But as I sat there, blurry-eyed and rubbing the back of my head, I came to an important and potentially life-changing realization:
I really needed to publish this book now, before she gets a new stapler.
Once my editor replenished her candy stash, there was a good chance another direct hit would result in serious brain damage, ending my career as a journalist and leaving me to write for a fortune cookie company — or worse: daytime television. The truth is, readers have been asking me for years to compile a book of columns. As one reader from Gwynette, Ga., wrote in, “If you ever come here for a book signing, you better have pastries or something.” When you receive that kind of validation from readers, you don’t want to let them down. With that in mind — and a week’s worth of medical leave — I began sifting through more than a decade’s worth of columns written since I began here at Siuslaw News in 1998. Many of the columns in this book appeared long before syndication; a few never saw publication at all; and at least one got published only because my editor was on vacation.
You’ll find this book has been divided into six sections, making it easy to find columns tailored to meet your specific reading needs. For example, let’s say you’re looking for Three Good Reasons to Avoid Any Monkey With a Pet Chihuahua. That would obviously be a hard-hitting news story, and therefore in the section: This is Why I Became a Journalist (I meant that as a question).
Or let’s say you want to know if Today’s Tougher Tax Laws Will Let You Depreciate Your Ostrich? If you answered Social Trends and Other Frightening Anomalies for $100! then you are absolutely correct! (But you really need to cut back on the Jeopardy! watching.)
Other sections in this book include:
Parenting Is as Easy as One, Two… Scream
(My fountain of knowledge on parenting is an open book)
Why Is the Dog Wearing Cowboy Boots?
(They say pets help us live longer. “They” haven’t met my dog)
Women Are From Venus and Men Won’t Ask for Directions
(Observations and insights that have gotten me into trouble)
Inspirational Holiday Columns That proved life threatening
(Hey, even the NRA fears the National Fruitcake Lovers Society)
In the pages that follow, you will find what represents my body of work as a humor columnist. My apologies in advance for not getting to the gym more often…
86 thoughts on “Admittedly, I’ve been resting on my Freshly Pressed laurels”
I recently received spam for both male enhancement and breast augmentation. Not only do they think I’m some weird hermaphrodite, but a weird hermaphrodite that isn’t well endowed.
LOL! But think of the fun you would have if you went ahead with both. On second thought, don’t; you may never blog again.
I’d buy it… It’s a good sign when the intro has me giggling. LOL
Hey, that IS a good sign. Thanks for reading, and for the affirmation 😉
Congrats. I would pick you for Freshly Messed, an honor you may have already received with one of those seniors dating emails.
Hahahahahahahahaaaaahahahaha! This is the quickest Uncle Henry in UH history! *tips hat*
There you go, another laurel for your hat!!!
The introduction is the essence of the Ned I look forward to reading. I have one suggestion for two small changes in this sentence-
“But as I sat there, blurry-eyed and rubbing the back of my head, I came to an important and potentially life-changing realization:
I really needed to publish this book now, before she gets a new stapler.”
But as I sat there, blurry-eyed, rubbing the back of my head, I came to an important and potentially life-changing realization:
I really need to publish this book now, before she gets a new stapler.
Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed twice, YAY for you!
Hey, I really appreciate the suggestion! Sometimes you’re so close to it you can’t see the fine changes that can make the difference. Than you! 😉
Oh good, I was worried because I didn’t want to offend. I hate when I come back to something a day later to discover a small thing has revealed itself and I can’t believe I missed it!
You don’t ever have to worry about offending me. I may cry, but I won’t be offended….. 😉
Oh good, now I won’t worry about offending but instead I’ll worry about crying. If you cry, then I’ll cry, and there will be tears from coast to coast. Are you so excited about your book that you just can’t stand waiting another minute?
Hahaha! There will be a sudden jump in Kleenex sales, so we better buy stock!
As for the book, I’m definitely excited but am still in the details mode until September, when I attend my first book fair and have a reading. That’s when it will hit me. Hopefully without all the crying 😉
Hey (insert name ‘Ned’), great post! I have a royalty advance I’ve been authorized to give you if you’ll simply send me all your banking information and a small “donation” to cover shipping.
(Looking forward to your book btw!)
HaHaHa! The only thing more funny is my actual bank account balance! Thanks for reading, Andie (if that’s your real name…)
all I got was…..
neds got crabs…
and at first glance they came from Nebraska, orgasm.
on second glance, I was wrong. neither place. Oregon.
perhaps orgasm would have more truer to the concept.
Congrats on the “freshed pressed”
Do they do your laundry for a month ….a week? id take a voucher for a free shirt
From what I hear, Nebraska is an orgasm mecca. At least in the winter.
In regard to being Freshly Pressed again, from what I understand it means I get a free crabs screening— hence the cup. My chalice, if you will. Apparently, I chose poorly…
1). I’m navigating my move as we speak from NC to NEBRASKA.
2). I think you just have all women the fear of NED. Chalice speaking.
3). I will not be writing with any good intention. For sure.
Lisa, I think that’s what they call a Tri-Fecta.
Yes honey. Tri-fect-A.
Or in my case, Ti-Fect-Huh?
Thai-spoon (*How Thai couples sleep)
Awe man. I so wanna Thai spork. Why can’t we spork?!
I think that happens before the Thai spoon, but after someone calls out “Mai-Thai!”
I just wanna make sure I holla
Well crap, now the secret is out about how totally freaking awesome you are. Please don’t forget us peons down here on your way up the paparazzi-laden ladder!!!
Awww, gosh *sticks toe in sand*
The only ladder you’ll find me on is the one I’ll be using to paint my house 😉
While you’re at, the trim around my windows could use some paint. I am afraid of heights. 😦
I’m not afraid of heights, just the ground as it rushes up at me! I’ll get my trim brush ready;)
Congratulations on the Freshness and being that much closer to publication. The only question unanswered in your intro is why? Why on earth do you do this for a living? I’m hoping you’ll have the answer because I’m wondering myself.
I wonder the same thing about proctologists. And it’s probably the same answer: somebody has to do it, right?
I don’t know why, but I feel like I need to wash my hands now…
(Btw, many thanks, Ross).
Congrats. Oh and brace yourself – with all of your fame no doubt VW is going to want you to test drive the new micro-bus with the improved digital heater that even works on brisk fall days.
I’ll be ready. But if it has a working horn, I’m outta there.
Wonderful! Now I can say I knew you before you went bad! 🙂
I say that every time we buy sour cream.
(Seriously though, many thanks, Mikels.)
Thanks, Susan — my fellow Freshly Pressed friend 😉
Hmmm. Sounds kind’a questionable when you say it like that. Especially after a coupe of drinks 😉
I’m going to go home and have some wine and hope for the best!! 😉
I really enjoyed this post, which I found on Freshly Pressed (congrats, by the way). This was entertaining and nostalgic, at the same time. I didn’t have a VW bus, but I did think about my first car (1995 Toyota Cressida).
I thought it was cool, at the time, that I had to push the ECT button on the gear box to give the car its get up and to make sure it made it up steep hills and didn’t roll back. Great post! Thanks for the memories, both yours and mine.
Haha! That’s a great story, Alan! On my old VW, I had to start it by holding a tire iron between the positive and negative posts on the starter, which meant crawling under it every time I started it, then throwing my hand on the accelerator until I could climb inside. There’s just something about those cars — those days — that helps us remember the important things in life.
Thanks for reading, and for sharing your Cressida memory.
wonderful news makes you look like an angelic trouble maker
Wow, you are a quick study 😉
Congratulations Ned 🙂
Thanks so much 😉
Hey Ned–Give ‘er!
Translation (it’s from the local dialect of my home): “It’s about time the rest of the world discovered what your followers (which includes me) already know” 🙂
I think I’m going to have that made into a t-shirt and just let people wonder 😉
Many thanks, Maurice!
it’s a great intro, and certainly one the cougars of north american distinction (conad), would be happy to endorse!
With you permission, I’ll use that endorsement!
you have my full permission, and happy to endorse such a worthy piece of work.
I’m holding you to it, as well as a cougar wine and cheese party if I come to town for a boom signing at Subway.
you’ve got it. i will alert the other cats on prowl in the area.
Put me on list for the book, a few things in their that could change both my life and my monkeys!! 🐒
Lol! Any time I can help monkeys, I’m so there 😉
I’m so happy that your blog was freshly pressed and that I stumbled upon it. I can only hope the Cro-nuts were not damaged in the process. We would not want to disappoint the reader from Gwynette, Ga and her affections for pastries.
Lol! I’ve already contacted a donut shop in Gwynette, just in case 😉
I hope you’re not saying that male enhancement stuff ain’t for real… that would be a real disappointment.
I’m taking The Fifth on that. And so is my wife…
Congratulations, Ned … I’m surprised you’ve only been Freshly Stressed twice given your undoubted talent for being funny.
Right, that’s enough creeping … any advice on how to stop knobmail and local sluts as my husband irreverently calls it when it lands in his inbox.
Thanks, Angela 🙂 I can’t say I’ve found any effective way of eliminating those kinds of emails, other than to respond as “Agent Hickson from the FBI’s fraud division.”
Ooo, coo-well! Must give that a go …
Congrats ! I am quite new to this blogging world but I am so glad I found yours. I am very much enjoying it 😀
Thanks, Lorin — I’m glad you found my blog too 😉
Just don’t forget us little people who “followed”, read, laughed, guffawed, spit coffee and commented before you became all pressed n stuff.
That would never happen. Guffawing, I mean…
Seriously, thanks Dupre 😉
Woot Woot!! Congrats! Everyone deserves a good laugh everyday and I can’t think of a better man to get their daily dose from than you 🙂
Thanks for that 😉
I don’t get spam about male enhancement so my girlfriend has been forwarding them to me
Lol! Sounds like your girlfriend is very thoughtful.
She likes to help me achieve my full potential.
Just remember: If that potential lasts for more than four hours, call a doctor. Probably for her.
It’s happened more than once. We call it a Code Eggplant
As long as you have a plan, that’s all that’s matters. And maybe emergency room coverage with your health plan…
We got laminated safety cards for the kids so they know what to do if no one else is around
Haha! I’m sure they will thank you for that some day, after the settlement.
I’m keeping one for the speech at my eldest’s wedding. Nice blog btw very engaging
Good plan, Chris. I’m sure she’ll look back on that and think to herself, “Wow, I really should have eloped.”
Thanks for engaging, Chris 😉
Congrats Ned. You know I’ll buy your book, as long as no one is watching…..
Hahaha! I don’t blame you. It’ll be our little secret!
And thanks, Laura 😉
Congratulations! Thanks to your Freshly Pressed, I found your blog! It’s hilarious! 😀
Thanks, Valentina 😉 The best part about getting “Pressed” is all the great new people you meet, unlike when I get my stuff freshly pressed at the dry cleaners…
Ameeen! Hahaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!! 😀
Ned man, your writing simply makes me smile! I love each post of yours and am looking forward to your book! Thanks for making a smile to us in our speeded lifes. 🙂
I appreciate that!