Dirty diaper football: another good reason to use disposables

image Though I’m a parent who is many years beyond his children’s diaper phase (Ya Baby! WOOO-HOOO, You Know it! YOWZA!)

…Sorry

Anyway, I have several friends who are now embarking on this journey and who have asked my advice regarding the choice between cloth or disposable diapers. I told them, without hesitation, that I was somewhat offended by their insinuation, and that unless it was All-You-Can-Eat-Frijole-Night at the Enfermo Taco, I was still quite in control of my bodily functions, thank you very much.

Moments later, upon returning from the restroom, it hit me: I really needed to go back. It was during this second run — or really more of a quick step — I realized they had been referring to diapers for their own children.

Though I used cloth diapers for my children — which is why my thumbs and index fingers look like pin cushions at a second-hand store — I suggested disposable for one simple reason: Plastic disposables have a distinct advantage over cloth when it comes to playing dirty diaper football.

Whether they admit it or not, at some point all men participate in this fantasy scenario, which takes place when they are at home and alone when their baby makes a dookie. That’s when the highlight reel begins to roll and goes something like this:

It is a clutch situation in a game-winning scenario as the center (played by baby), gives the snap (in the form of a dirty diaper) to the quarterback (Dad), who then shuffles back and straight-arms a defender before launching a pass to the receiver (diaper pale) for the WINNING TOUCHDOWN!

Unless, of course, it is intercepted by, say… a wall, or it unravels before reaching its intended receiver.

Based on my experience, I highly recommend plastic disposables for several reasons. First, you can not throw a nice spiral with cloth; too floppy, and the center of gravity…

…Well, there is no center of gravity. Your diaper football will simply wobble too much in flight to achieve any kind accuracy in your air game.

Second, the safety pins are a hazard, and they also affect the aerodynamics of your passing game. Forget any “hail Mary” plays with cloth. And if you overthrow? Let’s just say it will look like you just sponge-painted your wall.

Third, you can’t (or at least shouldn’t) ever punt a cloth diaper football.

The same goes for spiking. Take it from me, an “excessive celebration” call will be the least of your worries if you lose control of the “end zone.”

In fact, the only advantage cloth diaper footballs have over disposable is that, should a buddy show up and take on the roll of a defender, once the play is in motion he is much less likely to attempt a fumble recovery.

Other than that, disposables are clearly superior and also much easier to assemble.

Step one: Acquire a dirty diaper. If you can’t get one at home, ask around.
Step two: Remove the soiled diaper, keeping what will become your centrifuge intact. This will make or break the accuracy of your passes.
Step three: Roll your diaper football, making sure to maintain its center of gravity. Remember, it’s a lot like rolling up a stuffed cabbage: It will seem like everything won’t fit, but it will.
Step four: Warm up your throwing arm.

It’s that easy!

Oh, there is one other thing; check the integrity of your football regularly — especially before throwing “the bomb.”

You get the picture.

(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, will be released this December from Port Hole Publications. You can write to him at nhickson@thesiuslawnews.com, or at Siuslaw News, P.O. Box 10, Florence, Ore. 97439)

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38 thoughts on “Dirty diaper football: another good reason to use disposables

  1. I found this to be very important in other sports as well; golf (distance on a drive increases dramatically with disposables), baseball (even though sliding home is easier when the cloth diapers unravel), and tennis (cloth diapers never leave the racket on a strong serve).

  2. Pee soaked diapers are better for soccer. They are too heavy for throwing, unless a diaper shotput competition is involved. Diapers that have gone through the Diaper Genie are great for jump rope.

    I thought that this blog may be about your foray into bicycling and, most important, wearing bicycle shorts. Until you get used to it, the padding in bicycle shorts feels very simple to wearing a diaper. On endurance rides, well, …..

  3. you are leaving the whole adult diaper status out completely. shame on you.
    while pampers may have its own line of sizes to chose from, the dookie of ..lets say a small toddler versus a said adult to geriatric ….and i might add consistency…COME ON BOYS?
    And really…the word DEPENDS…leans heavily on yout game…i would depend on it.

    I say….we get a game up…yall boys get your pampers and we girls…get our depends…GAME ON.

  4. You had safety pins in your cloth diapers? What century was that? The cloth diapers we used were free folded in velcro held covers. They could be wrapped tight for a very impressive game of catch, with no fear of breakage that is a danger with the disposables. A wet disposable can be a terrible mess when it breaks open and all of that absorbent stuff gets everywhere.

    • It was the 1990s, and the pins were handed down. Then inserted directly into my thumb and index finger between 3 and 4 a.m. each morning. I took night duty (dooty?). I don’t know what I was thinking.

      And VELCRO?! You make me jealous…

  5. Pins?! Holy hell! I took care of a baby for a year recently that wore cloth and they were velcro (thank GOD). But I do remember I used to change cloth diapers when I babysat at 12 years old and they used pins. To think they’d trust a kid like me to not poke a squirming baby’s legs amazes me.

  6. Oh my gahhhd you are so gross I totally want to hang out with you! That is hiLARious. I know you are so right about that football game dads play, but it never would have occurred to me. Because I’m not a dude. But now I will eyeball any dad with an infant for the rest of my life and want to question him about dookie football timez. You crack me up Ned. For serious.

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