When it comes to looking ahead, look no further than your behind

imageYou should be aware that the idea of promoting an important issue through a week of “National Awareness” has gotten… How can I put this tactfully..?

Really stupid.

There was a time when, in order to command the attention of our entire country for a whole week, you actually needed to have an issue that was important. It needed to be something that could save lives, improve society or, at the very least, boost the sale of Hallmark cards.

But not anymore.

I say this because, as you may or may not know, we’re in the middle of “National Psychic Week.” What? You didn’t know? Don’t worry! There’s actually another one in August. That’s the good news. The bad news is that there’s a good chance you are not psychic. According to one website, the purpose of each week-long focus is to: “dispel skepticism [of psychics] through factual awareness.

Thanks to an article that appeared in the Eugene Register-Guard, I have a better understanding of how it might take an entire week to dispel all that skepticism — especially after reading about Ulf Buck, a blind psychic from Meldorf, Germany, who claims he can read people’s futures by feeling their naked buttocks.

(Warning to women who frequent singles bars: Men who frequent singles bars may be reading this column.)

According to Buck, creases representing success, career and artistic ability extend inward from the extremities of the buttocks (Similar to a map of Hollywood), while five other creases radiate outward. Though Buck explained that those creases represent areas such as love and money, when asked about that crease radiating down the middle, he just said, “Ewww.

My point is, if you have a habit of sitting naked on wicker furniture, don’t waste your time getting a buttocks reading.

No. My real point is that people no longer pay ANY attention to “National Awareness” weeks because the topics have gotten so dumb. For example, when’s the last time you observed “National Fresh Breath” week with any level of enthusiasm? Did you gargle more? Brush better? Buy an extra roll of Certs?
(No one in THIS office did, I can tell you that.)

The problem is that there are no guidelines when it comes to petitioning for “National Awareness” status, which is why we have 40 states that participate in “Sky Awareness” week each year. First of all, do we really need a whole week? Unless you’re lying face down getting a buttocks reading, how long does it take to look straight up? Considering that there are 10 states that don’t observe “Sky Awareness” week at all, we can conclude that they either, 1) Think it’s dumb, 2) Put all of their efforts into having a great “Fresh Breath” week, or 3) Have no idea the sky actually exists.

Which could explain the idea behind “Brain Awareness” week, which actually began March 10.

That’s right. The same people who brought us “Mustard” week and “Bat Survey” week would like us to remember that we have brains even though, oddly enough, those same people scheduled “National Hot Dog” week to take place three months AFTER “National Mustard” week!

The bottom line, of course, is that coming up with wisecracks about buttocks readings, while cheeky, requires more brain activity than most “Awareness Week” topics. Though I’m sure that’ll change some day, exactly when is anybody’s guess. Then again, they do say hindsight is 20/20.

Just ask Ulf Buck…

(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)


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Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

66 thoughts on “When it comes to looking ahead, look no further than your behind”

  1. That’s laugh-out-loud hilarious Ned. I never gave it much thought until you brought it up. So, I googled it, and I have to admit you have stumbled upon the mother lode of humour. Some of the beauties I’ve discovered that will enrich my life are; California Dried Plum Digestive Health Month and Wonderbra appreciation week. Ha! don’t know of that last one is for men or women – could be either. As much as I can appreciate Ulf Buck’s skills – I prefer to focus the appreciation weeks I celebrate on the front of the human body. Ha!

      1. It’s funny not funny that an anti-smoking campaign gets a day, psychics get a week, and picture books get a month (but not the same month as Save Your Vision month).

  2. Ned, I think you used enough brain cells for just this post alone to celebrate ALL National Awareness days for the week. Oh, just let’s make it the whole year! I did, however, learn that this is the week for Chocolate Chip Cookie Awareness, so you may want to celebrate that one.

    1. Thanks, Amy! But only a WEEK for chocolate chip cookie awareness? And let me guess, Tall Glass of Cold Milk Awareness week is probably in July or something…

        1. Lol! I think we should be in charge of reorganizing the calendar for Awareness Days/Weeks/Months and set this thing straight. Beginning with Chocolate Chip Cookie Awareness Year effective immediately 😉

  3. “Unless you’re lying face down getting a buttocks reading, how long does it take to look straight up?”—Hands down the most interesting sentence I’ll read all day. Probably all week! In fact, maybe there’s an Interesting Sentence Awareness week.

    (I agree–all these weeks become meaningless when they toss so many into the mix. The concept deserves your brilliant satire.)

    1. Let’s start a campaign! For Sentence Awareness Month, not Buttocks reading. I wonder if Ulf uses a bookmark if he gets interrupted during a reading? *shiver*

  4. National Fresh Breath Week, lol! I think anyone can make up any of these things.
    Back in High School, we had a ‘poke day’ when people would just go around poking each other. I dont know if that’s an actual thing or if people in my school made it up, but it was pretty weird and lasted just two years before everyone stopped caring enough to go around doing that.

      1. Hahah, being an arm’s length away was fine, just far enough to reach someone’s shoulder.
        I just realized the other definition of poke that people use today. Definitely didn’t mean that.

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