It’s time for this week’s edition of Post Traumatic Sunday, which are posts involving my ex-wife. None of them have appeared on this blog before, and only a couple were included in my book. Though none of these posts will be mean-spirited or vindictive, I was someone doing his best to deal with an unhappy marriage through humor.
Eight years later, I am happily re-married (my friends are sick of hearing about it, actually) and constantly inspired to laugh for the right reasons.
Now we can laugh together…
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Thanks to an exciting discovery published by the National Academy of Sciences, we’re one step closer to understanding an important, fundamental difference between men and women — which is that women have better memories, particularly when it comes to remembering why they’re mad at their husbands.
This earth-shattering discovery was made by psychology professors at Stony Brook University in New York, the same university that brought us groundbreaking data on the yawning habits of the domesticated yak.
My point being that the “better memory = more time in dog house for men” equation is NOT new information, and ultimately dates back to the very first marital spat: When Eve accused Adam of being insensitive for suggesting she make ribs for dinner.
And today, things are pretty much the same.
For example, after reading last week’s column about how men are essentially better drivers than women because we use the opposite hemisphere of our brain, my wife is STILL mad at me. According to results published by the National Academy of Sciences, this is because memory function in women is highly complex, and includes a direct tie to the emotional center of the brain. By comparison, memory function in men is a lot simpler because, like most brain functions in men, everything is tied directly to the [censored].
This discovery was made through a series of tests involving the ability of men and women to recall details from highly evocative photographs, such as gravestones and people crying. In every case, women’s recollections were 10 to 15 percent better than men’s.
Not wanting to be out done, men in the test group offered their own impressive display of memory skills by recalling the bust size of every waitress at the local Hooters.
Researchers believe the reason women did better than men on the evocative-image test is because of something called “emotional memory,” which is the ability to associate personal feelings with memories.
[Note: Researchers believe the reason men did better on the Hooters test is because of something called “emotional mammary,” which is the ability to associate personal feelings with the bust line of a complete stranger.]
According to assistant professor Turhan Canli, “Emotional memory is the reason women tend to process things a lot more than men.”
Which is just a nice way of saying that if you accidentally recorded an NBA play-off game over your wedding video, don’t count on your wife forgetting about it anytime soon. Especially if YOU forget, and inadvertently watch the game while she’s home.
If that happens, I’d suggest apologizing, begging for forgiveness, and then taking her out to a nice dinner somewhere that’s not even remotely in the SAME HEMISPHERE as Hooters — which brings me to the point I’ve been trying to make all along, which is…
To be honest, I can’t remember where I was going with this, but I’m sure it’ll come — just as soon as my wife reminds me.