They say the best gifts are the ones you never ask for. They also say to never look a gift horse in the mouth. While I agree with both of those sentiments, I have to assume “they” have never received a gift from Robert Hookey, comedic maestro behind The Hook and Rob Ford’s running mate for the 2016 Niagara Falls Moose Lodge presidential race.
Perhaps because he is Canadian and not subject to U.S. privacy laws, or possibly because he has an overactive imagination fueled by pure maple syrup, Hook claimed to have discovered information about me which — as a gift — he promised to keep quiet. However, because I believe in full disclosure, and because these were too funny to keep to myself, I have included his discoveries here, along with some explanations. Mostly because I don’t want Peter Dinklage kicking down my door.
I promise it will make sense later…
Dear Ned,
Your book may be open to anyone – for a price – but your past has remained a mystery.
Until now, that is…
Ten Things You Didn’t Know About Ned Hickson (As discovered by The Hook)
1) His position as a “journalist” is merely a cover for his role as the most deadly agent S.H.I.E.L.D. has ever employed. (Yes, I’m a hopeless nerd and no, I’m not ignoring the events of the latest Captain America movie; I’m merely sidestepping them. So shut up.)
(This is absolutely true. My code name was “Ned Flurry” because I was the one who made Dairy Queen runs for the S.H.I.E.L.D. office.)
2) That mustache? Airbrushed. Ned’s actually as hairless as Dr. Evil’s cat.
(Yes and no. But without getting into details, exactly where I’m hairless is no one’s business. And it’s no accident.)
3) Ned’s book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is the first tome under his true identity, as opposed to his more recognizable pen name, E.L. James.
(Obviously, this is ridiculous. Ned Hickson is my pen name…)
4) Some men weep after coitus. Ned breaks into a Broadway medley.
(After looking up the word “coitus,” singing A Lot of Lovin’ from “Bye Bye Birdie” still seems appropriate)
5) It’s no secret that Ned worked as a corporate chef, but do you know the truth behind his “secret sauce?” No, seriously — do you? Scientists have been trying to unravel it for years; at the cost of several hundred lives, I might add.
(Let’s just say Wendy’s Burgers owner Dave Thomas didn’t die of natural causes…)
6) He’s been down many a road, but Ned’s greatest love will always be his first job: Ron Jeremy’s back shaver.
(Partly true. But I only shaved it once, and was fired shortly after I got distracted and went against the grain.
7) Ned’s part-time job as Justin Bieber’s life coach is going down in flames.
(I really thought I had learned from the mistakes I made with Miley…)
8) He is on the “short list” to replace Letterman when he retires next year. (By the way, Ned, maybe now you could help me achieve my daughter’s dream of breaking into television. Do you have Ellen’s number?)
(Only partially true. Ellen is actually replacing Letterman; I’m replacing Ellen. Yes, it’s going to be a weird show…)
9) Speaking of short list… Ned’s other part-time job? Peter Dinklage’s stunt double on Game of Thrones.
(It’s true. And my knees are killing me…)
10) How does Ned manage to juggle all those balls in the air? Well, that’s not something he likes to discuss in mixed company. But as for all his part-time jobs, his secret is simple: He’s a vampire.
Just don’t tell my wife, all right?
(I was actually a werewolf first, then switched to being a vampire because the kids got tired of poop-scooping the yard…)
And that’s all I know, kids — I swear.
You’re welcome, Ned.
(I’d like to thank The Hook for taking time to reveal these 10 things about me that no one knew. I hope we can all feel a little closer now because of it. Except for Peter Dinklage; I’d rather he keep his distance…)
Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.
Ned's Blog 
FYI, Letterman will be replacing me, and I will be replacing Peter Dinklage. They said they want someone snarky and evil, but easier on stunt double’s knees.
Have I mentioned I’m being replaced by Peter Dinklage? The blog will be known as Ned’s Dinklage.
I’m not sure why, but Ned’s Dinklage sounds vaguely dirty to me.
Probably just a small bit.
so.
you used that VEET i told you about huh?
that sheeet works like a charm. bald as a baby’s…..
I’m a Nair guy.
ew. that leaves you with bumps and a foul fishy odor
Only when I wear short-shorts.
…this truly could be why you weep after coitus.
When I wear them, I’m not the only one weeping.
…you really need to check that…
Especially if EL is involved. Cause…that might make me weep.
Hah! I knew about your Ned Flurry identity. There is something soft about your character that gave it away.
Awwwwww that’s so sweet!
Wait, you’re not referring to my mid section are you? 😉
So are you one of those hipster vampires that glitter in sunlight?
No, I’m old school. I just have glow-in-the-dark fangs.
Interesting how The Hook seems to know so much about so many people…
Frightening, isn’t it? Possibly even illegal.
Illegal? Not under Canadian law.
We’re a mysterious people…
That’s it; we’re moving S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters to Toronto…
Actually Ned, moving S.H.I.E.L.D. to Canada is a bit problematic. You see the NSA keeps a close eye on all S.H.I.E.L.D. communicatiions. Technically they can’t do that, sooo they hire us Canadians to listen in on S.H.I.E.L.D. from Canadian soil and then send the info to the NSA. However, being law-abiding citizens, we are not allowed to listen in on Canadian conversations. The NSA would be very upset if they lost their eavesdropping capabilities wrt S.H.I.E.L.D. And it’s not a good idea to upset the NSA.
Very good points, Paul. We’ll just stick with our current undisclosed location in Weed, Calif.
Ummm, I think I just blew our secret location.
Again.
*Gets out map*
And here I was, poor ignorant Pieter, thinking I know you…The horror of the moment will linger forever.
Sorry, Pieter. But if it makes you feel any better, I remember the horror I felt when I found out who I was, too…
I’m flabbergasted – I did not realize that Ned was a man (vampire) on the very cusp of greatness. I can see it all now. Please forgive my lack of appropriate awe in the past. A man such as Ned only comes along once a generation and should be treated with serious veneration. (note the rhyme – not bad, eh?) He is already known for his selfless cow removal, his sparkling sense of humour (that’s humor to some), his ability to hold onto sign posts in high winds, his fearless firefighting abilities and much, much more. And now, we discover through the sleuthing abilities of our good friend The Hookster, that all these good things are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the true nature of the man known as Ned Hickson – a man destined for illustriousness. His shy self-deprecating manner has shrouded his true greatness.
Thank You Hook for unveiling The Real Ned Hickson. We shall be forever indebted.
Paul, while I am very appreciative of your kind words and thoughts, I have to wonder if you would have felt the same if Hook had revealed this before Twilight came out… 😉
Absolutely. I’m a dialysis patient and have grown used to having my blood removed about 36 times per week (in 3 sessions)- the only difference from Vampires is that dialysis puts it back when they’re done.Or at least they have so far! 🙂
I’m sorry to hear that, Paul. The dialysis, not the putting the blood back part. You might want to give them a Post-It reminder so they don’t forget.
My wife LOVES Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Is she great or what?! And you can ignore that Capt. America film all you want, but the rest of the planet didn’t. It made a record amount of cash for an April opening.
The new Jim Jarmusch movie is about vampires. Ned is just now revealed to be a vampire. Coincidence or clever marketing ploy?
Just wait until the Burger King soda toppers come out next week…
I am now going to have nightmares about Ron Jeremy’s back shaving…..eeewwwww. At least that will help with my spring weight loss….I may never eat again!!
See? Even after his illustrious career, Ron Jeremy continues to be a giver.
I can’t believe you tried to shave that back against the grain. That must have been a gruesome ER visit.
I heard three of the ER doctors quit on the spot and opened Polish sausage stands.
That seems more profitable.
Plus all that training with forceps still comes in handy whenever they use those hot dog tongs.
Oh, I bet they can do some things like the Hibachi chefs!
Ha! I don’t suggest getting a hot dog at the end of the day because they warm them up with a defibrillator.
That’s much more efficient than a microwave. I simply must try this now.
Let me know how it goes, Twindaddy. Just make sure to yell “CLEAR” if the kids are with you.
Hey, I’m responsible! They’ll be watching with 911 on standby.
Good dad with a good plan. What could go wrong?
Only overcooking the hot dogs, as far as I can tell. This could involve some trial and error.
Good point. At least you don’t have to worry about shaving anything on the hot dog before you attach the paddles.
Oh great, back to Ron Jeremy again…
Ewwwww…..
so good to know, now it all makes perfect sense.
Would you mind explaining it to me?
There is no way you are shaving Ron Jeremy’s back; there’s not enough time in the day to do that, post, and sleep. I hear it grows back immediately, like Tim in The Santa Claus.
It’s true. In fact, he makes most of his money by letting his back get shaved several times daily and providing hair for weaves.
One of the best things about reading someone’s blog is getting to know them as a person. I can truly say that 1) I like you even more than before and 2) Did I even really know you?? I mean, if these things are true I feel like YOU should be the Dos XX man. Because Sir, YOU ARE THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD 😉
I am like an onion. The more you peel away the more you wish you’d ordered onion rings. Which, coincidentally, go really great with Dos Equies 😉
Poor Mr. Thomas and to think he was worried about his daughter knocking him off for his fortune. He shouldn’t have taken the advice of his anti-nutritionist and avoided the post chef, volunteer firefighter, newspaper columnist types instead of encouraging them.
I blamed it on the square burger patties; those things are sharp!
Reblogged this on You've Been Hooked! and commented:
Ned Hickson has become a fast friend. This is how I treat my friends. (Yes, I’m a strange guy, thank you very much.) Enjoy.
Ned,
Now the world knows the truth. Don’t you feel better?
I know I do.
Your pal,
The Hook.
I can breath easy, Hook. Thank you.
Although I kind of feel stupid giving up our new S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters location…
Or DID I? Because it’s actually in Ontario! Ha-HA!
Oh crud… I did it again…
Gad you’re my pal, Hook 😉
Btw, “gad” is S.H.I.E.L.D. lingo for “glad.”
You’re doing it again!
You’ve really got to work on your spy skills, pal ‘o mine…
DANG IT!
Oh well, off to Dairy Queen for Dr. Banner’s “Flurry” order. I really hope they get it right this time. I don’t like it when he’s angry…
I suppose if you and Hook had a convention in Halifax and held it at Dalhousie University, it would be Dalkon S.H.I.E.L.D.
(That may go down in history as the worst pun ever.)
Lol! Your place in the annals of pun history is officially secured! Sorry…
}:-)>
BTW, I returned your e-mail, pal.
I’ll be offline soon, but I’m sure we’ll talk soon. Sarah appreciates your help, by the way.
Her words: “He sounds like a great guy!”
Kids, they’ll believe anything, right?
Ha! You might want to have her hearing checked…
Seriously, I’m glad to give whatever help I can 😉
Oh you crazy kids. 🙂 Too funny boys. Two funny boys.
The things Hook manages to uncover are pretty astounding. As a huge fan of S.H.I.E.L.D, I will have to pay much closer attention to who doing what to who.
Wow, I didn’t think it was “that” kind of show…
Yes, yes it is.
Now I feel like I’ve been missing something.
Reblogged this on rodriandotco.
I’m sorry Ned…I saw the photo of Mr Dinklage and you lost me.
Love him, well, actually Tyrion Lannister is adored in this household, mainly for his one liners. As for Ned Hickson? Not so much, only one fan here.
I can live with that. I’ve never actually seen King of Thrones, although it’s a concept I’m still trying to get my kids to accept when I’m on the commode and they want in because they’re too lazy too go upstairs.
“Secret sauce” indeed. And that’s why I don’t eat white creamy things…
That’s a good rule of thumb. Especially if it gets on your thumb.
Wow, the two funniest guys I know in the blogosphere in one post, must be my lucky day! This was hilarious, loved it!
Thanks Abigail! It was a real treat to share the stage with Robert. He’s a good and funny man. Some day I want to stay at the hotel he works at; we could get into a lot of trouble… 😉
Ooh can I come?! 😊
I think that’s what they call a trifecta 😉
You had me at Hook and kept me at Peter Dinklage.
I am very happy I now know these things about Ned. I don’t know what I would have done otherwise.
Then you’re ahead of everyone else, Daile, because most people STILL have no idea what to do with this information…