They say the best gifts are the ones you never ask for. They also say to never look a gift horse in the mouth. While I agree with both of those sentiments, I have to assume “they” have never received a gift from Robert Hookey, comedic maestro behind The Hook and Rob Ford’s running mate for the 2016 Niagara Falls Moose Lodge presidential race.
Perhaps because he is Canadian and not subject to U.S. privacy laws, or possibly because he has an overactive imagination fueled by pure maple syrup, Hook claimed to have discovered information about me which — as a gift — he promised to keep quiet. However, because I believe in full disclosure, and because these were too funny to keep to myself, I have included his discoveries here, along with some explanations. Mostly because I don’t want Peter Dinklage kicking down my door.
I promise it will make sense later…
Your book may be open to anyone – for a price – but your past has remained a mystery.
Until now, that is…
Ten Things You Didn’t Know About Ned Hickson (As discovered by The Hook)
1) His position as a “journalist” is merely a cover for his role as the most deadly agent S.H.I.E.L.D. has ever employed. (Yes, I’m a hopeless nerd and no, I’m not ignoring the events of the latest Captain America movie; I’m merely sidestepping them. So shut up.)
(This is absolutely true. My code name was “Ned Flurry” because I was the one who made Dairy Queen runs for the S.H.I.E.L.D. office.)
2) That mustache? Airbrushed. Ned’s actually as hairless as Dr. Evil’s cat.
(Yes and no. But without getting into details, exactly where I’m hairless is no one’s business. And it’s no accident.)
3) Ned’s book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is the first tome under his true identity, as opposed to his more recognizable pen name, E.L. James.
(Obviously, this is ridiculous. Ned Hickson is my pen name…)
4) Some men weep after coitus. Ned breaks into a Broadway medley.
(After looking up the word “coitus,” singing A Lot of Lovin’ from “Bye Bye Birdie” still seems appropriate)
5) It’s no secret that Ned worked as a corporate chef, but do you know the truth behind his “secret sauce?” No, seriously — do you? Scientists have been trying to unravel it for years; at the cost of several hundred lives, I might add.
(Let’s just say Wendy’s Burgers owner Dave Thomas didn’t die of natural causes…)
6) He’s been down many a road, but Ned’s greatest love will always be his first job: Ron Jeremy’s back shaver.
(Partly true. But I only shaved it once, and was fired shortly after I got distracted and went against the grain.
7) Ned’s part-time job as Justin Bieber’s life coach is going down in flames.
(I really thought I had learned from the mistakes I made with Miley…)
8) He is on the “short list” to replace Letterman when he retires next year. (By the way, Ned, maybe now you could help me achieve my daughter’s dream of breaking into television. Do you have Ellen’s number?)
(Only partially true. Ellen is actually replacing Letterman; I’m replacing Ellen. Yes, it’s going to be a weird show…)
9) Speaking of short list… Ned’s other part-time job? Peter Dinklage’s stunt double on Game of Thrones.
(It’s true. And my knees are killing me…)
10) How does Ned manage to juggle all those balls in the air? Well, that’s not something he likes to discuss in mixed company. But as for all his part-time jobs, his secret is simple: He’s a vampire.
Just don’t tell my wife, all right?
(I was actually a werewolf first, then switched to being a vampire because the kids got tired of poop-scooping the yard…)
And that’s all I know, kids — I swear.
You’re welcome, Ned.
(I’d like to thank The Hook for taking time to reveal these 10 things about me that no one knew. I hope we can all feel a little closer now because of it. Except for Peter Dinklage; I’d rather he keep his distance…)