Why are we releasing him you ask? Fine, so no one actually asked. But if you did, I would explain that it’s part of a complicated selection process that happens here every Tuesday, when we randomly select a photo from a box of dozens that have remained unclaimed and unidentified in our newsroom since the 1980s. To ensure impartiality, I wait until my fellow reporters are deep in thought (on Facebook) before spreading the photos on the floor of our newsroom in a snow-angel fashion. I then release Skippy into the newsroom. The photo closest to the first person who screams is chosen, at which point I put my investigate journalism skills to the test in identifying the photo.
Right after I clean up the urine stains around Bill’s desk. Coincidentally, Bill is almost always the first to scream.
Now that we’ve established how releasing a rabid squirrel into a newsroom full of reporters isn’t as crazy as it sounds ā Ha! Ha! ā it’s time to reveal this week’s mystery photo. I suggest scrolling up on this image slowly in order to avoid the dizzying effects that may occur due to the pattern in this blouse. Those prone to epileptic seizures may want to skip today’s post all together…
Being a relatively nice person, I didn’t want to jump to conclusions that this was actually a man dressed as a woman. Hey, I’ve seen the Olympics. Besides, this could be someone’s daughter. And judging from this photo, her mother is probably big enough to hurt me if she found out. However, as any investigative journalist will tell you, there is always an element of danger involved when getting to the bottom of a mystery. Especially when cross-dressing is involved. With that in mind, I began scrutinizing the photo more closely by isolating clues…
Based on the preponderance of evidence, I determined this was indeed a man dressed as a woman. Step two was to rule out the possibility that this photo was somehow related to auditions for the late 1970s TV sitcom Bosom Buddies. Any connection to Tootsie was also ruled out. That’s when, upon further inspection, I noticed there was an attempt at photo manipulation going on here…
Like all good investigative journalists, I trust my gut instincts ā and once again, they were correct: the Subway marinara meatball sandwich was a good call for lunch. However, it was while standing in line that I noticed a crucial clue that helped me put all the pieces together. And not just as part of my $5 meal deal. One of the women in the mural along Subway’s wall had the same blouse as the man in our mystery photo! Given that the image in Subway was taken in the 1960s, I had a new timeline to consider ā which brought me to one of the most infamous examples of photo manipulation in history (not counting every cover of Cosmopolitan and Playboy)…
Thanks to my many years as an investigative journalist, and technological advancements that helped me compare images, I was able piece together the complete picture utilizing clues spanning more than five decades in order to reach the following completely unfounded conclusion:
Lee Harvey Oswald’s famous cry has been completely misunderstood all of these years…
I’m not sure how Oliver Stone missed that one…
(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)
Ned's Blog 
Funny stuff š
Hey thanks, Joe! Always glad to meet a fellow Oregonian!
I feel much safer knowing the world has top-notch investigative journalists like you around. No matter how big or how small an issue, you will get to the bottom of it. With a little help from Skippy.
Thanks, Carrie! Skippy and I live and breathe investigative journalism. Although Skippy’s breathing is more like heavy panting…
Oh my goodness…your mind certainly can reach into the far corner and into tight spaces!
Where DO you come up with these things?!?!
As always, love your stuff š
Thanks, Michelle š I’m just now able to get back into those tight spaces after eating too much Easter ham.
Oswald had a lot of problems, preparing an attractive piece of toast being one of them.
Ha! That’s what jam is for š
Very mind-bending (that’s a good thing). It makes one wonder how many other criminals were cross dressers and were never caught? It’s a terrifying thought. Although I have to say, Ned, those terrors are somewhat calmed by your manicure. Every Tuesday, there it is, your carefully polished thumb nail, communicating to the world a sense of peace with the sure knowledge that all is as it is supposed to be – that a power higher than all of us has it under control. Perhaps that power is only your manicurist, Ned, but that’s all it takes to comfort. And knowing that next Tuesday, regardless of the travails of the week, come rain or shine or mud or sleet, that carefully polished thimb nail will be there waiting with another solved mystery. *Sigh*
Paul, I’m pretty sure Confederate president Jefferson Davis was the first cross-dressing criminal. He also, coincidentally, was known for having really terrible cuticles. At the risk of drawing petty jealousy, I do nothing to my thumbnails to keep them looking so lustrous. Nor have I ever dressed as a woman to sneak out of the Deep South. So as you can see, all similarities end there.
That said, I’m glad my thumb can bring a sense of comfort.
Ha! It’s great you used an ex president an example: I was originally going to use Eleanor and Franklin Roosevelt as examples of possible cross dressers as they were about the same height and chest size, but I was concerned that it might be sensitive making fun of past presidents – but I feel much better now. Ahhhh – the magic of the shiny thumbnail – all is right with the world again.
I didn’t know that about FDR’s chest size. That would explain all the cat-calls he got as president.
Just because a dude is wearing a dress you automatically assume he killed JFK? I’m impressed with your deduction skills, Ned. š
P.S. perhaps one day you could also describe the process of catching that rabid squirrel.
It takes many years of experience and training to jump to a conclusion that far… š
And yeah, I think it’s about time to give Skippy the spotlight. I’m there sure must be a photo of him down inside The Box somewhere…
Sounds like you had a lot of experience working at Fox News š
HA! š
Sounds like you had a lot of experience working at Fox News š
Again, I say HA! š
Skippy sure knows how to pick the most random photos. He deserves a carrot! Or, whatever it is that rabid squirrels eat. Foaming peanuts?
I could be wrong, but I think foaming peanuts is how he became rabid.
get a side job as an fbi profiler.
It’s obviously a publicity photo from the Florence production of Charlie’s Taint run through a test version of PhotoShop AKA ProtoShop.
He kind of looks like he could be a Hobbit, too. But that would require FrodoShop.
BWAAHAHA!
Are you sure that’s a squirrel? Whatever it is, it does look RABID! I wonder what it will pick out next. A photo of Ed Sullivan in a mini skirt?
I’m thinking Skippy is actually an albino beaver raised by well-meaning squirrels…? I’ve tried to get close enough to verify one way or the other, but he’s pretty touchy ā and not in a feely kind of way.
And Ed Sullivan in a mini-skirt? Good GOD, Susie! This blog has a PG rating! š
I’m glad I read the comments before commenting — FRODOSHOP!!!!! LOVE IT!!!!!
Your investigative skills are waning. This is obviously a modern audition for Aunt Jemima’s replacement. Equality, equality, equality.
Aunt Jemima actually crossed my mind. But that happens a lot.
I imagine those are very syrupy thoughts.
I save the naughty ones for Mrs. Buttersworth.
There is a potential porn title in that comment!
OK, UNCLE HENRY!!!
Hahaha!
I saw that one; Uncle Ben shows up to make rice, and then… Bah chicka wow wow
(Sorry, I know you already called UH)
Flippin’ With Mrs. Butterworth
Done in just minutes!
I am reasonably confident this was actually the first picture ever taken from the pilot of a series called Star Shrek. It’s about a man (a prince, actually) who is really an Ogre and switches back and forth between the two. Because it was made in the 1960s (before the High-Tech and larcenously idea-stealing Gene Roddenberry came along with his “transporter” and space ships) there was no way to show the transforming from Man to Ogre to Man. So they had to hand draw the transforming sequences. And this picture is mid-transformation. And because Ogres are notoriously hungry the Ogre part (hand drawn at this instance) has a small luncheon with it.
Mystery solved.
I’d assume Disney would have been behind this type of series, but I wasn’t able to find any corroborating evidence to prove this. However, taking into account what a horrible idea this show sounds like, coupled with obviously terrible animated transformation sequences, it’s likely that Disney had this thing buried like George Lucas’s “A Wookie Christmas” TV special.
I really feel like an idiot on this one, Ned.
Your pal,
Oliver Stone
Don’t beat yourself up, Ollie. Sometimes the most obvious things are hardest to see. Like your bald spot.
Cheers, pal.
You scare me Ned. Please don’t do any investigations on this side of the border.
No worries. I think there’s some kind of International Law against that anyway š
Haha….you have to know your writing is good when I pause “Whose Line Is It Anyway” to read your posts!! š
Wow! That IS a compliment!
Hide the raspberries! š
I learned that raspberry lesson the hard way!!
Haha! I’d say I feel guilty, but…
If you said you felt guilty, I would have assumed you had a lobotomy!! š
Ha! An assumption many people have about me I think š
Stone obviously lacks your keen insight and attention to “detail”, Ned.
He also lacks my good hair.
Sadly, many of us do.
HA!
This was hilarious! Even with the name Lee Harvey Oswals appearing in the title I was still surprised when the picture turned out to be him! I hope you realise you will now be forever haunted by JFK conspiracy believers…and Oliver Stone perhaps:s
It’s a monicker I can live with. Until Oliver Stone finds me anyway š
Yeah, I haven’t read your book (yet!), but I doubt he’d be the right person to make a movie adaptation of it…or any of your posts for that matter;)
HaHa!
Ok, true story: When I was living in Dallas, Texas, Oliver Stone was filming “Born on the Fourth of July” at SMU. There was an open call for extras in a huge crowd scene. I was in line with literally 2,000 people who were being chosen by assistants to be in the scene. Stone was unhappy with their choices and sent everyone back outside. He then walked down the line and hand-picked 400 people. He walked right up to me, looked me in the eye and said, “You’re in.”
So yeah, we’re pretty close.
So you’re telling me that besides being an investigative reporter you’re also a movie star? How come I’ve never seen you on Oprah (ignoring for a moment the fact I never watch Oprah)?…I feel so much more famous myself even, now that I know I know someone who knows Oliver Stone!
I’m a riddle wrapped up in an enema… I mean ENIGMA! Dang it…
I had so much fun reading the comments, I had to re-read your post to remember what it was about. Great detective work.
That makes sense; as it is, I often forget what I was writing about by the time I finish my posts, too.
Thanks for reading, Pam!