“RELEASE THE SQUIRREL!”
It’s been a week since those words were exclaimed in Braveheart fashion, sending Skippy, our newsroom’s resident rabid squirrel, on a journey to collect your odd and inexplicable photos. Why?
Because Skippy really needs to get out more.
But also because, With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility. And thanks to Kerbey at I Don’t Get It, I realized I have an obligation to use my investigative journalism superpowers to reveal the truth behind more than just The Box of old, unidentified and unclaimed photos in our newsroom. That’s why, like Spider-Man, I am swinging into action to help others, except without the sticky webbing or skin-tight body suit — because I also have a responsibility not to frighten people.
So while Skippy has been hopping planes and flying around the globe gathering your photos, and more than likely baring his teeth to avoid cavity searches by airport security, I’ve received a mystery photo emailed to me from Jack Schneider, a reader in Florida who discovered this photo inside a record album he bought at a local Salvation Army store…
According to Jack, the album was a soundtrack to “Fiddler on the Roof,” which is exactly the kind of thrift-store find I think we can all agree Macklemore would pop his tags over. As always, the first step in any journalistic investigation is to establish a timeline and location for the photo. Utilizing a complex mathematical equation involving the square root of horizon-line degrees divided by shadow density and several other highly complicated fictional variables, I was able to conclude, with near certainty, that I can say any date at this point and you will believe me — which in this case is late August, 1979, about 3:30 p.m.
I couldn’t determine the particular day in August because, let’s be honest, fictional time stamping isn’t an exact science.
With a timeline established, the next phase of our investigation is to identify the location which, in this case, was actually very easy to determine. I say this because, as a Northwesterner, I recognize Portland, Ore., attire when I see it. Sure, this photo may have been taken more than 20 years ago, but here in Oregon our fashion sense has essentially stayed the same — at least when it comes to formal wear. It can only mean one thing when you see these types of fashion details…
It’s wedding time in the Northwest! And, as is often the case in a land known for its
legalized marijuana trumpeting elk, we embrace the balance of man, nature and hallucinogenic mushrooms Starbucks by taking to the rooftops and trumpeting to the world our joy of matrimony!
Yes, I realize that is a trombone.
Hey, this is Oregon. At least he has clothes on.
(Have a photo mystery to solve? Email it to firstname.lastname@example.org. Skippy and I are here to help! OK, I’m not so sure about Skippy…)