Helpful tips for Southerners dealing with Fornicating Locust

(Today I’m actually coming to you from the offices at Long Awkward Pause, where we like to say “offices” instead of climate-controlled storage units…)

image It’s June 2014, and that means a new generation of newlyweds in The South will be racing past family and friends while being showered with frantically mating cicadas. What are cicadas you ask? Think really big crickets.

No, think grasshoppers on steroids.

Actually, think “Hopper” from A Bug’s Life.

For those who haven’t experienced cicada season, it’s easy to imagine if you keep one thing in mind: For six weeks, wherever you go and whatever you do, you will be doing it within the general vicinity of at least 200 cicadas, each of which will be participating in something generally reserved for late night cable. To make matters worse, thousands of male cicadas will be attempting to attract disinterested females by repeating a series of deafening mating calls, which entomologists, after years of research, have finally translated to mean: hey baby hey baby hey baby… (Click here for more at LAP)

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Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

23 thoughts on “Helpful tips for Southerners dealing with Fornicating Locust”

    1. I was going to say something about “from one nut to another,” but then that would make us a pair of nuts. I’m pretty neither one of us would like that comparison…

      Regardless, thanks, REDdog!

  1. I always just think of them as part of summertime. And if you want to watch a piece of magic, watch one do it’s final moult and shed it’s final larval skin and grow wings.

          1. Don’t get me wrong, Ned, you’ve become one of my favorite people, I’m simply glad you’re a unique individual. You’d lose that special “Nedness” you have if there was more than one of you running around.

  2. We get a boom crop of these every 17 or 23 years–or something like that:). And I’ll never forget riding bikes with my kids, opening my mouth to say something, and one narrowly missing it. Ick. You’re a better man than I am . .. . 🙂

    1. Haha! I should hope I’m a better man than you. It goes without saying you’re a better woman than I could ever hope to be. Even with surgery… 😉

  3. These little delights are what make summer in Canada bearable. When we have to turn up the AC/DC another 5 notches because of the sounds of cicada orgasms, we know summer has finally arrived. And it’s time to pack the coolers and patio furniture up and put Granny in the basement for winter.


  4. I heard my first round of Cicada sex noise 2 years on the east coast. None of us knew what the heck was going on. The drone went on and on, and eventually I found the things in a tree. I had my camera with me, so I embarked on another career – locust porn productions. I’m surprisingly good at close-ups in pornage. I haven’t told Lisa about that, but I think she somehow ‘senses’ that. I wonder if that’s why we had so much twitter love today?

  5. This reminds me of the fish flies we get up here in the Great White North. For about 10 days, if you are at the lake, everything & I mean everything is covered in fish flies. They look like tiny little caterpillars with large wings. You can’t even tell what color your cottage is because there are too many fish flies mating on it. You can’t tell what time of day it is without a clock because the screens are covered in mating fish flies! You walk in the grass & crunch as you step on all the males who have died after doing their duty. And they smell just every so slightly fishy, woof!

No one is watching, I swear...

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