Then there’s that time I was attacked by a wooden lion…

Since changing my Facebook image yesterday afternoon, a lot of folks have been asking about the story behind the photo, which is of me getting sucker punched by a wooden lion. For those who know me, it really shouldn’t seem out of the ordinary. Regardless, for those who missed it — or those who just like seeing me get punched by a lion (please, show some decorum) — here’s the true story behind the photo…
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image It’s been nearly 40 years since my third-grade teacher, Mrs. Flunkem, wrote the following remark in red ink on my report card:

Unstructured time is a challenge for Ned.

After reading this, my mother looked at me and said, “Since when did filling your unstructured time become a challenge?”

And things haven’t really changed since then. I can honestly say, through sheer luck and determination, I have put myself in a position to have what I’m sure Mrs. Flunkem would consider entirely too much unstructured time. Fortunately for me, my wife disagrees with Mrs. Flunkem and encourages me to make the most of it.

How?

By saying things like, “Hey Honey! Look at that wooden lion over there!”

The lion in question was standing outside an empty storefront, across from where we were parked. I studied it for a moment.

“It looks angry. Or possibly hurt. See the way he’s holding his paw up? Maybe he has a splinter?”

“It’s a wooden lion,” my wife replied. “So you’re probably right.”

“I’ll go look,” I said, and cautiously approached the lion to inspect his paw…

After winning his trust, the lion let me examine his paw.

After winning his trust, Wooden Lion let me examine his paw. Probably because I’m a Leo.

It didn’t take long to discover the source of his pained expression…

And in that moment, I made a friend for life. Or at least until I needed some firewood.

And in that moment, I made a friend for life. Or at least until I needed some firewood.

The relief on his face was easy to see. I thought. So I decided to celebrate with a knuckle bump…

In retrospect, I probably should have warned him about the knuckle bump.

In retrospect, I probably should have warned him about the knuckle bump first.

Possibly because his paw was still sore, my gesture wasn’t greeted with the level of enthusiasm I had anticipated…

I hate to think of what could've happened if I'd gone for a hug instead.

I hate to think of what could’ve happened if I’d gone for a hug instead.

I returned his snarl and attempted to take control of the situation by reacting in a cat-like manner…

I struck what I felt was an equally threatening cat-like stance. I only scared myself.

I struck what I felt was an equally threatening cat-like stance. I only scared myself.

When that didn’t work, I knew it was time to pull out my fists for a one-two combo I like to call “The Captain and Tennille…”

I almost felt sorry for Wooden Lion.

I almost felt sorry for him.

I’m pretty sure I slipped on something — probably that discarded splinter — because somehow he landed the first punch…

If you've never been sucker-punched by a wooden lion, I don't recommend it.

If you’ve never been sucker-punched by a wooden lion, I don’t recommend it.

At this point, my natural instincts between “fight or flight” kicked in and, out of respect to my family waiting in the car, I chose flight — but Wooden Lion had other ideas…

So much for gratitude Mr. Wooden Lion.

So much for gratitude from Wooden Lion.

Thanks to my lightening reflexes, I was able to turn the tables on Wooden Lion by slipping out of my coat…

On no! Did you lose something Wooden Lion?

On NO! Did you lose something Wooden Lion?

As it turned out, the splinter was just ploy. What he really wanted all along was my jacket. I guess that’s what I get for wearing a Caterpillar brand coat with the word “Cat” stitched into the collar…

Enjoy the jacket, Wooden Lion! I doubt you can get the hood over your FAT HEAD!

Enjoy the jacket, Wooden Lion! I doubt you can get the hood over your FAT HEAD!

Mrs. Flunkem, if you happen to be reading this, I’m sorry. But as you can see I’m still spending my unstructured time pretty much the same way.

Who would’ve thought I’d actually get paid for it!

(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)

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21 thoughts on “Then there’s that time I was attacked by a wooden lion…

  1. 1). He’s clearly not cowardly. 2) I like your subtlety posting this on the Captain’s (of Tenille) 72nd birthday. Bravo. 3) I don’t think he was stealing your jacket; I think he was reminding you that it is in fact August, and there is no need for layering (or is the Northwest that chilly?). 4) Did you leave a dead body in the motel across the street?

    • 1) I disagree; his sucker punch was an act of cowardice (wait, he didn’t hear me did he?!) 2) Only YOU would know it’s the Daren Dragon’s birthday today, and probably only you and I would know his real name (or even care) 3) Point taken, although a heatwave here is 60 degrees, and 4) No, but my mother lives in the house on the hill behind it…

  2. #1 – I love the one-two punch being called Captain and Tennille and #2 – thank you for sharing the “mane” event!! I’m looking forward to getting some time back to read and write!! (5 more days!!) Hope you’re doing well.

    • Thanks, Susan 😉 It was either that or Peaches and Herb. If I was a better kickboxer, I could’ve called it Earth, Wind and Fire!

      Most of all, I’m so very glad to hear the 5-day countdown has begun for you 😉

  3. You must keep a smile on your wife’s face all the time. (You know that doesn’t read well – I should rephrase) You’re a funny guy. I know I’ve said that before!
    AnnMarie 🙂

  4. Pingback: If Only All Of Life’s Problems Could Be Solved With A Crowbar. | You've Been Hooked!

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