I’ve been ridiculously happily married for almost 10 years now, so the singles bar scene is a long-forgotten memory. Or maybe just a deeply repressed one. At least it was until yesterday, when a friend came to town and invited me out for a quick beer. As we began catching up over Dos Equis, we couldn’t help but overhear a series of pick-up lines being exchanged by a group of 20-somethings who — at least in their minds, and thanks to several happy-hour pilsners each — had assembled a list of clever lines no woman could resist. Assuming, of course, the women in question were all desperate to gain U.S. Citizenship.
As a service to single men everywhere, and in particular to that group of 20-somethings once they’ve sobered up, I felt obligated to jot down some of those horrible pick-up lines and explain — through a “trial” and “error” format — what they can expect should the words actually leave their mouths in the general direction of an actual living female, intoxicated or otherwise.
Trial: Do you know CPR? Because baby, I think I’m having a heart attack!
Error: This is particularly ineffective for men over the age of 40, who could easily be mistaken for having an actual heart attack. Nothing says “sexy” like coronary infarction.
Trial: Do you like magic? Because I’d like to make your clothes disappear.
Error: Even David Copperfield wouldn’t attempt this horrible pick-up line. If you do, chances are the only thing disappearing will be her drink in your face.
Trial: I’m not a religious man, but you make me want to shout hallelujah!
Error: Aside from the obvious risk of being struck by lightning from God at the sheer stupidity of that line, there is the very real possibility the woman in question will take it as a sign she shouldn’t have attempted a final night of passion before joining the nunnery tomorrow. Either way, you lose.
Trial: Are you an animal trainer? Because you make me want to stand up and beg.
Error: Unless you want to be in a collar, tied up and peed on, it’s probably best to steer clear of anyone who responds favorably to this lame pick-up line. Unless you’re into that.
Trial: I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to Uranus.
Error: Unless you’re in a gay bar, don’t even think about it.
Trial: If I were Captain Kirk, I would love to boldly go where no man has gone before.
Error: Although this might work at a Star Trek convention because, in many cases, no one there has been with the opposite sex, under normal circumstances that line will send women away faster than you can say “Warp speed, Mr. Sulu.”
Trial: I’m a doctor. When’s the last time you had your breasts examined by a professional?
Error: In addition to being really lame, this line could potentially tap into genuine concerns by a woman actually seeking a professional opinion. At that point, you either have to come clean and look like the horny jerk you are, or continue the charade under the most unsexy circumstances possible.
Trial: Someone call the police because I think you just stole my heart!
Error: With a line like this, the only call anyone is going to make will be to the 1980s so they will come take you back. Assuming they want you.
Trial: They call me the cat whisperer. Want me to show you why?
Error: Be prepared for the fact that, until the scratches on your face heal, your new name will be Cat Scratch Fever.
Trial: Do you like karaoke? Because I brought my own palm-friendly microphone.
Error: In addition to being stupid, let’s be honest: this line is just setting up everyone involved for disappointment.
Trial: Your smile is so sweet it should come with a calorie count.
Error: As any supermodel will tell you, there’s no point in counting calories when you’re too busy barfing after a line like that.
If any of you in that group of 20-somethings is reading this, there’s no need to thank me. The fact that no woman will have to endure any of that torture is thanks enough.
Not to mention the lives this post might save.