A misspoken word.
A reluctant glance.
A horde of slobbering rabbits.
Thanks to my training and experience, and several highlighted newspaper clippings sent in by concerned readers, I have painstakingly pieced together what I, as a member of the conservative media, believe is undeniable evidence that rabbits are planning to take over the world.
By radiating themselves and producing offspring roughly the size of Volkswagen Beatles.
You’re probably thinking this could never happen. At least not outside of New Jersey. But at this very moment, according to a recent BBC report, rabbits living near a nuclear plant in Caithness, Scotland, are under surveillance after Scottish EPA officials discovered what they described as “bunnies hopping in and out of solid waste pits.” In addition, investigators found rabbit feces that, for months, had been mistaken for “small piles of Trix cereal.”
This comes in the wake of a nuclear clean-up process that has been ongoing since 2011, when a “minor” radioactive leak was believed responsible for a bumper crop of nearly three tons of Brussels sprouts that flooded the local markets and terrified children throughout the region.
According to the report, the UK Atomic Energy Authority has been told to use any means necessary to fix the current problem and keep rabbits from burrowing into the waste pits. Some biologists, like Dr. Yam Higginsworth, warn it may already be too late.
“In my opinion, come next spring, the surrounding woods will be littered with rabbit pellets the size of basketballs,” Higginsworth predicted. “From an ecological standpoint, this is not good. Although it could make the annual Easter egg hunt a lot more exciting.”
The parliament of neighboring England has demanded the Scots formally present a plan for dealing with the threat before the Queen’s scheduled annual holiday in the Scottish Highlands this October.
“Suffice it to say, the Queen of England will not vacation anywhere there is a chance — however remote — she will have to fight a giant radioactive rabbit,” warned a stone-faced Prime Minister David Cameron, who added: “However, I’m sad to say Charles and Camilla’s tickets are non-refundable.”
Residents of Scotland see the world’s escalating concern over the threat of giant, frequently fornicating radioactive rabbits as unfounded. As one man outside of a pub in Edinburgh put it, “I’ve been seeing giant rabbits around here for years.”
On Friday, the latest draft of Scotland’s clean-up plan is expected to be submitted.
“We have every confidence that Scotland will devise a comprehensive and effective plan to deal with this situation,” said Cameron. “But even if they don’t, we’re still sending Charles and Camilla.”