Forget meteors and zombies — Giant rabbits are world’s biggest threat

image As a journalist, I’m trained to recognize the most subtle signs of trouble:

A misspoken word.

A reluctant glance.

A horde of slobbering rabbits.

Thanks to my training and experience, and several highlighted newspaper clippings sent in by concerned readers, I have painstakingly pieced together what I, as a member of the conservative media, believe is undeniable evidence that rabbits are planning to take over the world.


By radiating themselves and producing offspring roughly the size of Volkswagen Beatles.

You’re probably thinking this could never happen. At least not outside of New Jersey. But at this very moment, according to a recent BBC report, rabbits living near a nuclear plant in Caithness, Scotland, are under surveillance after Scottish EPA officials discovered what they described as “bunnies hopping in and out of solid waste pits.” In addition, investigators found rabbit feces that, for months, had been mistaken for “small piles of Trix cereal.”

Silly Giant rabbits...
Silly Giant rabbits…

This comes in the wake of a nuclear clean-up process that has been ongoing since 2011, when a “minor” radioactive leak was believed responsible for a bumper crop of nearly three tons of Brussels sprouts that flooded the local markets and terrified children throughout the region.

According to the report, the UK Atomic Energy Authority has been told to use any means necessary to fix the current problem and keep rabbits from burrowing into the waste pits. Some biologists, like Dr. Yam Higginsworth, warn it may already be too late.

“In my opinion, come next spring, the surrounding woods will be littered with rabbit pellets the size of basketballs,” Higginsworth predicted. “From an ecological standpoint, this is not good. Although it could make the annual Easter egg hunt a lot more exciting.”

Here comes Peter Cotton...Holy S@#T!
Here comes Peter Cotton…Holy S@#T!

The parliament of neighboring England has demanded the Scots formally present a plan for dealing with the threat before the Queen’s scheduled annual holiday in the Scottish Highlands this October.

“Suffice it to say, the Queen of England will not vacation anywhere there is a chance — however remote — she will have to fight a giant radioactive rabbit,” warned a stone-faced Prime Minister David Cameron, who added: “However, I’m sad to say Charles and Camilla’s tickets are non-refundable.”

Residents of Scotland see the world’s escalating concern over the threat of giant, frequently fornicating radioactive rabbits as unfounded. As one man outside of a pub in Edinburgh put it, “I’ve been seeing giant rabbits around here for years.”

On Friday, the latest draft of Scotland’s clean-up plan is expected to be submitted.

“We have every confidence that Scotland will devise a comprehensive and effective plan to deal with this situation,” said Cameron. “But even if they don’t, we’re still sending Charles and Camilla.”

"What did you say I'll need this for?"
“What did you say I’ll need this for?”

(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, or Barnes & Noble.)

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Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

55 thoughts on “Forget meteors and zombies — Giant rabbits are world’s biggest threat”

  1. Reblogged this on An Upturned Soul and commented:
    A post full of giant… chuckles, laughs and other fluffy things which make you ache in a good way!

    The news presented in the way… I wish all news sites would do it, because frankly I’m fed up of clicking on an interesting READ THIS NOW type of news headline only to find the article is just a rehash of a rehash of a rehash of ‘humans know nothing but think they know everything and panic about it on a daily end of the world basis’.

    This is a news a la Doctor Who! Most excellent blog!

    Thank you for sharing.

  2. As a UK resident, I am particularly disturbed by this news. Why has nobody brought attention to this before? I’m hopping mad I tell you! They sit there all cute and fluffy, the picture of innocence, and all the time they’re planning this! Now I come to think about it, I’ve noticed an increase in the amount of carrot cake on sale in the supermarkets – is there a connection?

  3. Well, sir, I happen to live in New Jersey and would say to you, do not knock it if you haven’t tried it. Bigger is better. Everybody knows that! And when you want to super size it, nothing beats radiating particles with a chemical chaser. You can bank on the results.

  4. Oh no, I have thoughts and they inspired by your blog.
    1. Since VW brought back the Beetle, maybe VW will bring back the Rabbit.
    2. If you get a strong whiff of carrot, it may be too late. Either way your shorts are going to be in trouble.
    3. I think Charles and Camilla are actually rabbits, part of that sinister take over the world plot.
    4. This whole list is weird.
    5. Is anyone else worried about Beth’s obsession with nude men adorned with squash?

    1. Any thoughts inspired by my blog are alarming, but especially when they’re yours, Steve.
      1) From what I understand, VW Rabbits are already in mass production so quickly they can’t keep track of how many they have.
      2) I’ve been telling people for years my shorts smell like carrots or roses
      3) I think the teeth gave Charles away. And the way he wiggles his nose and ears.
      4) Agreed, but I’d expect nothing less.
      5) Only nude men adorned with acorn squash

  5. Which is why the keeping of rabbits as pets in my state is forbidden. It is also why we have rabbit proof fences around our state boundaries. 🙂 I think the foresight of these politicians is to be applauded.

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