…TAT-tat-tat-TAT-TAT-tat-tat-TAT…
[Breaking News: from another strangely irrelevant moment in our newsroom…]
The term “news hole” is often used by journalists. This shouldn’t be confused with another, similar-sounding term that is just as often used by journalists, usually when they think the editor isn’t listening. In this case, however, “news hole” refers to the space remaining in a newspaper after the ads have been placed. It’s our job as journalists to fill that space with stories, press releases and, when some newspapers find it necessary, my humor column.
As I’m sure you can imagine, a “news hole” gets larger or smaller, fluctuating in size depending on how tightly packed it is with advertising.
Ok, it’s probably a good idea to stop using your imagination now.
My reason for bringing this up has nothing to do with a possible laxative endorsement, and everything to do with what I felt was a creative solution to a “news hole” situation we faced today — but that my editor referred to as “the reason you stuff news holes.”
Problem: Two important stories and not enough space. The first story was about the record turnout of 4,700 people who scoured the local beaches and rivers during the annual Oregon Beach Clean-up on Saturday. The second story was about the discovery of a body later that same evening at a local beach.
My solution: Combine the two stories!
As usual, I’m expecting to be blamed for my editor’s latest aneurism…
Ned's Blog 
A good headline is one that covers the entire story. Speed-readers rejoice!
That’s exactly what I said! Mostly…
It’s like, “Wow! What a nice event, euwwww…..”
If you’ll notice, that’s the way it’s of my stories go…
I enjoyed the first para and that sucked me into the rest…how interesting!
Thank you
The first paragraph in my columns are generally the best. It’s pretty much downhill from there.
it’s all just math.
And we know how good I am at math.
me too )
That makes three of us… right?
I’m with you on this one.
You’ve just filled requirements needed to reach the efficiency co-efficient–or something else that sounds official. Your editor should be pleased that you saved her time and money…despite that which she will spend in the ER taking care of the aneurysm.
(OMG. My dark little heart laughed out loud at the headline (while on a teleconference) Seriously, the sleep deprivation is making me punchy!)
You better stay away from the beach.
That’s a genius combination of stories – few care about volunteers or dead bodies, but together this is a total clickbait.
P.S. But Ned, if you keep angering your editor with pranks like this one, there may be another dead body on a beach soon… đŸ™‚
The other headline idea I had was “No orgy at massive beach clean up; only a dead guy”
Or it could be “Does Beach Clean Up Have To Turn Into Massive Orgy?”
Lol! Or “Beach orgy leaves one man dead.”
Buried the lead.
HA! Or cremated it .
And a nicely manicured thumb nail, to boot. Well done, sir.
Thanks for noticing. I try to take care of myself. Or my thumbs anyway.
Ha! Loved it.
Always thinking outside of the box!!
A stark contrast to my editor, who tends to want me in a box.
Hopefully your editor hasn’t purchased that nice white jacket for you….you know, the one that ties up in the back? đŸ˜‰
Oh, the “hug-myself” jacket? I’m not so sure it hasn’t been purchased; it just hasn’t been used yet đŸ˜‰
“…while Secret Service hearings continue and a volcano erupted in Japan.”
There’s no way that’s going to fit the news hole.
It will if you dump the story and just go with the headline. That’s all anyone reads anyway.
That’s so true, Mikels. Have you noticed how book titles are getting longer and longer?
“Getting To the Meat of it: One Man’s Quest to Find the Ultimate Burger in a Middle-Eastern Hindu Community Where Cows Are Worshipped and Never Eaten.”
That’s obviously an exaggeration, but you get the point, And no, you can’t steal my idea…
Damn! Alton Brown would have jumped at the TV rights.
That’s my worse nightmare…
not noticing the dead person on the beach!
Haha! Hey, at least a body is bio-degradable.
Right! And that’s good for the earth… dust to dust… right?
I guess the headline could be spun…
Thousands of Environmentally Aware Runners Leave Dead Body to Replenish the Earth
Where were you when I needed you!
It’s going to be okay Ned… I’m here now!!!
Consider yourself on speed dial during deadline days.
Well Ned, they can’t pick up a body with those little litter picker upper claw things so they just passed by it.
That’s true. Besides, the beach clean-up was for non-recyclables anyway.
I don’t see anything wrong. Is something amiss?
That was my argument too?
[btw, speaking of ‘tat-tat-tat,’ the all-news AM station in NYC still plays the sound of a teletype machine in the background while they read the news. I’m not joking. It’s the strangest thing you’ve ever heard. Why? Why?!]
I think you answered you own question: It’s AM radio. They probably still have Swanson TV Dinners commercials.
It may be just AM, but they have a gigantic audience! Remember… there are 12M people here.
That’s true. In fact, I like to think of myself as the “AM radio” of the blogosphere.
There’s something to be said for killing two birds (and a person) with one stone..
I know my editor probably had a different kind of stone in mind for me: a headstone.
Likely but you’re still here to respond to this, so that’s good..
This happened to me once. I got my pant-leg stuck in the old mechanical typesetter and the column got all juggled. We just amended the title and felt that would cover it up.
Did they make you wear shorts after that?
You’re a credit to your current – and my former – occupation, Ned.
You never told me you were a stripper.
Have to keep the mystery alive in our relationship, buddy.
Ha! That’s as much of the “mystery” as I care to see, pal.
I would TOTALLY read any article with that title! You should be praised for being a news hole filling genius!!
I’ve been waiting to hear that my hole life… oops,I mean whole.
Hahahha Ned!
Bahahaha! LOVE.