Then there are times like this when, thanks to years of experience and accidentally consuming a quadruple espresso meant for the person next to me at Starbuck’s, I realize both topics can be combined into a single, well-structured piece of journalism.
Which is why, today, we will be talking about how to prepare for holiday shopping with the help of Bigfoot.
As some of you may have heard, a hiker in Utah posted video of what appeared to be Bigfoot rummaging through the brush.
In addition, some of you may have heard about Thanksgiving.
I don’t believe this is a coincidence.
Especially when you consider how, year after year, Thanksgiving is followed by Friday — a shopping day so enormously frightening it has become known as “Black Friday.”
Did I mention the Bigfoot spotted in Utah has black fur?
As you can see, the correlations are staggering.
(Note to writing students: This merging of seemingly unrelated topics at high speeds is extremely tricky requiring years of practice, and is a device referred to by journalists and railroad engineers as a “train wreck.”)
Now that we have established the irrefutable connection between Bigfoot and holiday shopping on Black Friday (I’m a journalist, so you can trust me when I say we have), I will now explain how, with a little preparation and an oversized SUV or cargo van, you can get all of your holiday shopping done this Friday with the help of Bigfoot.
The first step, of course, is to locate and enlist the help of a Bigfoot. This is actually easier than you might think. All you have to do is drive to a heavily wooded area and NOT look for one. This seems to be when most Bigfoot sightings occur, right when the hiker, anthropologist, logger, marijuana grower, Fox News reporter, etc., is least expecting it, which is why every video taken of Bigfoot looks like a deleted scene from the Paranormal Witch Project.
Once you have made contact, the next step is to convince Bigfoot to help with your holiday shopping. To do this, offer your help in obtaining something he wants for Mrs. Bigfoot but can’t find in the woods — such as an Epilady shaver.
Now that you have found Bigfoot and enlisted his help, it’s time to go SHOPPING!
Given that Black Friday is the busiest shopping day of the year, with retailers opening before dawn and offering outrageous deals, such as 50 percent off any six-toed socks sold between 5:30 and 5:45 a.m., you’ll be glad you brought Bigfoot along to play “wack-a-mole” with anyone who gets in your way.
The same goes for sneaky sales people who try the old “bait-and-switch.”
For example: Let’s say the clerk insists that the item on sale for $10 is a cheese spreader, and not the 55-inch flat screen TV in your cart. Simply let Bigfoot do the negotiating by turning the clerk into his own custom “Snuggy.”
Now imagine the satisfaction of completing all of your holiday shopping in one day as you and Bigfoot breeze through the mall on matching Segways donated by mall security.
Needless to say, when it comes to Black Friday shopping, there are many advantages to enlisting the help of Bigfoot.
Plus, I’d suggest staying in touch; he also comes in handy when it comes time for gift returns.
Yes, this is another shameless excerpt from my book, Humor at the Speed of Life, from one of its six sections: Inspirational Holiday Columns That Proved Lifethreatening. The book is a collection of my most popular columns over the years (as opposed to the kind I usually write) and is available in hardcopy or eBook at Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble. It makes a great holiday gift! (Disclaimer: results may vary). Order yours from Port Hole Publications and let them know you’d like a signed copy. It can even be signed by someone else!
Ned's Blog 
I loved this chapter…way more than Black Friday shopping. This chapter also takes me to the ones that follow about fruitcake and provide me fond memories of Fr. Robert.
Still, my favorite chapter is one that might say more about me than it does about you: “You want to know more about getting a vasectomy? Don’t ask a man.” Do you ever wonder how you can be friends with me?
Fr. Robert. Fruitcake. Vasectomies.
How coiuld we NOT be friends? 😉
Well…when you put it that way.
(Let’s not forget our lawnmowers!)
i am a huge fan of al things yeti.
And the Yeti is a huge fan of everything.
Mostly because he’s just huge.
Bigfoot is key in most of my life decisions.
I kind of figured you led a colorful life, Larry…
If colorful is a polite word for delusional, than yes.
I’d much rather just camp out on the couch with Bigfoot and have a few drinks. Assuming, of course, he doesn’t stink and can refrain from scaring the crap out of my cats. That one might be a tad difficult to do.
I’d imagine Bigfoot could probably hold his liquor pretty well given his body type. Either way, I’d imagine your cats would freak out, thinking you adopted a giant dog.
sometimes ned, i think you may be wasting your enormous talent and abilities on this writing thing when you could be going for something so much bigger like president or namer of stars . . . . i believe there is so much more out there for you. just sayin’ 🙂
I really appreciate that, and can’t tell you how much I’d love to put “Namer of Stars” on my résumé 😉
just go for it. let me know what happens – maybe i will give it a try too.
i’m even willing to be executive assistant to the namer of stars.
happy thanskgiving, ned!
🙂
Hahaha! Deal. We can put each other down as a reference!
And Happy Thanksgiving to you too! 😉
I suppose that’s better than being named for an extinct comet, like I am.
I think it was something like “Snardley’s Burnout…..”
ok stop doing excerpts, I’m going to be reading the book as soon as my replacement Kindle arrives.
Hahaha! If I do anymore, I’ll issue a “Diana: SPOILER ALERT!” 😉
Thank you, I feel spesh n stuff.
Are you sure no one is watching ? going to insist hubby wears a bear suit when we do the weekly shop in Aldi, going to pretend it’s something everyone is doing , do you think he will fall for it ?
Ha! Just tell him it’s “a new thing.” And please send photos…
This holiday season, rather than shop WITH BigFoot, I thought I’d shop FOR BigFoot.
http://www.thegreenhead.com/2012/03/lifesize-bigfoot-statue.php
Of course I’ll wait for him to go on sale, then wear him to a New Year’s party without removing the tags so he can be returned while its still Sasquatch Season.
Love your posts! They are what I give Thanks for…and I mentioned your book title (as your tagline) on today’s Daily Post in the comment section.
Stephanie
That site is fantastic! I was there five minutes and found 10 things I need to get. Of course, it will mean finding somewhere else for the kids to live, but still…
And thanks for the kind words and book plug, Stephanie. Just for that, I’m sending you a real sasquach. Don’t worry, he’s paper trained.
Happy Thanksgiving 😉
If I can channel your “brilliance” long enough to finish Book Two, I’ll be a happy Canadian boy, Ned.
Great chapter!
Thanks, Robert 😉
I am, at this very moment, channeling to you whatever “brilliance” I have available…
…There.
See? That didn’t take long.
The frightening thing is that some of the people I observed last evening (Thanksgiving ‘After Dinner’ Early Black Friday at Walmart) were already behaving like Sasquatch, anyway. And they were sitting down eating at the interior Subway acting like they owned the place – must have been a disappointing bird at home.
I’m happy to say I have avoided Black Friday shopping once again. Oh, and sasquach, too. Even at Subway.
Reblogged this on The TuneUp Promotions Blog and commented:
The frightening thing is that some of the people I observed last evening (Thanksgiving ‘After Dinner’ Early Black Friday at Walmart) were already behaving like Sasquatch, anyway. And they were sitting down eating at the interior Subway acting like they owned the place – must have been a disappointing bird at home.
As the flat-screen TV said, “I’m sold!”
I’d like that in Surround Sound, please…
Ok… so now I gotta buy your book! *grin*
I was thinking about it before…. but now I GOTTA! LOL!
Love the chapter! Hope your Thanksgiving was awesome! 😉
I hope it’s not because of the Bigfoot intimidation factor…
Whatever the reason for buying my book, Thank You! If you get it through Port Hole Publications make sure to notate that you’d like it signed and they will make sure I sign it for you before it goes out 😉
Happy hollandaise!
Yep! It was the Bigfoot thing!! ha ha ha ha! I will most certainly buy it through Port Hole so I can get your “John Hancock” on it! 😉
Book purchased… I put in the Comment section that I wanted you to sign it. Is that right? Or should I send a separate email? (btw it is under my real name…Kim Templin) 🙂
Thaanks so much. That’s perfect. They’ll contact me and have me sign it before it goes out. Probably today.
Kim Templin, huh? You’re secret is safe with me! And possibly as many as 6,000 other people who might be reading this… 😉
And thank you for ordering the book! If you’re up to it and it’s not any kind of witness protection or parole violation, send along a photo of you with the book. I’m putting together a “rogues gallery” of sorts with all the crazy photos people have sent of themselves with their copy. You can even use another name, like Chardonnay Pinot or something! 😉
Not a secret… not really. You follow my Twitter account under my real name 😉 I just use Courtney as a pen name because if I ever get published in the future I want to use that instead of Kim. (hubby’s idea)
I will be happy to take a picture with the book! And no…. not in witness protection or anything.. LOL! 😀
I’m familiar with your Twitter handle but didn’t want to spill the beans in case you’re being stalked or are actually a Kardashian or something… 😉
HEY!! I got the book today! Where do you want me to send it? email? Whut? Whar? 🙂