The reason I bring this up is because, if not for email, I sincerely doubt someone from Midland, Mich., would’ve gone to the trouble of sending me a photo of 176 Santas standing on the deck of a fishing boat off the coast of Greenland (And YES, this is primarily the kind of email I get.)
I should mention that we were one of 50 newspapers that received the photo, which was part of an announcement letting people know that classes at the Charles W. Howard Santa Claus School had come to an end.
Now, opening my email at 5:45 in the morning to find a pack of wild Santas waving champagne glasses at me from the bow of a fishing boat was enough to make me re-start my computer AND swear-off watching any more claymation Christmas cartoons after 9 p.m. However, it wasn’t enough to keep me from visiting the school’s website in order to find out the connection between Michigan, 176 wild Santas, and what must’ve been the strangest cruise ship experience this side of Orlando.
What I discovered was that the photo was taken during the first-ever Santa Summit in Northern Greenland, where men and women from 13 different countries — including the U.S. — came together to exchange ideas, drink too much, and get stuck in the chimneys of local villagers. This would explain why all 176 Santas were apparently confined to a large fishing boat and taken out to sea.
It also explains why Greenland, a peace-loving country that has no military of its own and proudly proclaims it has never waged war on anyone, recently passed a resolution allowing persons dressed as Santa to be attacked by snow dogs and/or harpooned on sight.
No questions asked.
Given that all three of my questions had been answered, the safe thing to do would have been to delete the photo and get back to work. But as we all know, the Internet can be a dangerous place, particularly for those who are impressionable, unsupervised, and not facing a deadline. As a result, I discovered some interesting mathematical equations about Santa’s yearly trip around the world.
To begin with, Santa actually has 31 hours to work with on Christmas Eve, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth. Considering that Santa is able to deliver an estimated 91.8 million presents in that amount of time, I really have no business whining about going to Wal-Mart and having my dozen or so presents wrapped for me while I sit across the street drinking coffee at Starbuck’s. In addition, for Santa to make all of his stops by Christmas morning, he must fly at speeds in excess of 650 miles per second — or roughly 3,000 times the speed of light.
Given that the air resistance would be similar to a space craft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere, we can safely assume that Rudolf and the rest of Santa’s reindeer would burst into flames and cause a sonic boom loud enough to knock the top ornament off of every Christmas tree on the planet.
Santa, meanwhile, would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by a gravitational force about 17,500 times stronger than Earth’s gravity.
Of course, this is all just speculation.
Odds are, he might not make it passed Greenland.
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WARNING! This has been an unsolicited excerpt from my book, Humor at the Speed of Life, which is a collection of my most popular columns (as opposed to the kind I usually write) and is available in hardcopy or eBook version at Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble. It makes a great holiday Hanukah Solstice New Year’s gift! (Note: Actual results may vary). Order yours from Port Hole Publications and let them know you’d like a signed copy. It can even be signed by someone else!
Ned's Blog 
“The supreme art of the war on Christmas is to subdue the enemy without saying ‘Merry Christmas’.”
― Sun Tzu, The Art of the War on Christmas
*bows*
*Almost pokes eye out on sword handle*
Ned!
HA! 😉
I.Laughed.So.Hard. Thank you, Ned, and Merry Christmas! 🎄🎁
You. Are. SO. Welcome!
And my merriest wishes for you too, Judy 😉
Oooh, Oooh, I know what all the Santas are doing in Greenland. You see a lot of WordPress bloggers keep track of their readership by country. Apparently there is a dasboard tool that allows you to see each reader’s country of origin. This has lead to a sort of competition about who has followers from the most countries or the most obscure countries, etc. Greenland is a particularly hard one to get – there appears to be only one Greendlandish WordPress follower and he/she is not very active. So, it becomes like getting the rare letter in the summer contest where you have to spell “McDonalds” to win a trip to where-ever.
Anyway, I bet a whole bunch of WordPress bloggers have asked Santa for a Greenland follower and all those Santas have gone there to set up accounts so they can give the very best gift to their respective blogger customers by creating a follower from Greenland.
Just sayin’
I have to admit it, Paul; that explanation is as good as any.
Probably better, actually 😉
Is there really a Santa Claus school? I feel like a kid asking if there’s really a Santa Claus. I’m so hoping there is. I’d google it, but I don’t want to find out that there’s not. A girl can dream, can’t she?
On a completely unrelated note, my son has told me he wants to be a professional YouTuber when he grows up. Merry Christmas. xo
Yes, Samara, there is a Santa Claus (school)…
http://www.santaclausschool.com
And we need to get our boys together; mine has the same aspirations and follows YouTubers like they’re rock stars. Between the two of them, they could probably rule the Internets 😉
I clicked the link and let out a loud “SQUEEE!” Oh, my God!!!
I want to go there! Ned, for only $800 we could attend and Santa and Mrs. Claus!
And then, our kids could film us for YouTube. 🙂
I heard your “SQUEE!” all the way over here!
If we went, I wonder how long it would be until we got into trouble?
Or how long until we were running that place? 😉
Wow, she really set that up, didn’t she?
We’re available for bookings.
I have a son here of the same mindset…..perhaps we should request a reality check for them for Christmas?
Hey, what are you saying?
I still believe in Santa…
Sorry, Ned, I guess I wasn’t clear……was thinking the reality check for the YouTube aspirations……
Whew! I thought you were saying there’s no Santa!
Thanks for clearing that up.
And Merry Christmas!
My theory is that Santa is a Time Lord. He goes through the 31 hours, and then simply travels back in time 31 hours and does it again, and again until he has managed the delivery of presents in style, without frying the reindeer or having his sled torn apart by gravitational forces. Also his bag would have to be bigger on the inside to account for all those presents…. or perhaps I’m merely being nerdy, as I have only become a Doctor Who fan this year and am making up for lost time. Anyway. It’s a theory.
It’s ok. Our family just got into Doc. Who earlier this year also, so I feel you, Michael.
Well at least I live closer to the North Pole than most so I’ll be sure to get my presents!
Show off.
Flaunting it and all!
just don’t get north korea involved )
If they hack Santa, we’re all screwed.
Christmas is a logic-free zone. Merry Christmas, Ned.
So is my desk.
And a Merry Christmas to you as well, Ross.
Cheers, my friend 😉
“Ned Hickson: Official Jurnalist of Christmas”.
I’m having a T-shirt made now that it’s official.
But I think you spelled Christmas wrong.
Damn spell-check.