It wasn’t until dragging our furniture into the yard during our move that I realized our couches looked like they were purchased from a crackhouse garage sale. After years of having the dogs rub themselves along the front, and motionless teenagers planted on the cushions for hours at a time, they were dirty, lumpy and misshapen.
And so were our couches.
After a long discussion about the merits of keeping our old set and the cost of replacing them with a new one, my wife and I decided to go ahead and get rid of our old sofa and love seat. Total elapsed time for this conversation:
11 seconds.
That includes the eight seconds we spent covering the couches with a tarp so no one else would see them. Before going to the furniture store, we measured the wall and floor space in the new livingroom to ensure we wouldn’t order the wrong size, and end up having a conversation like this:
Me: Honey, would you like me to grab you a soda from the fridge?
My wife: Only if you’re going to the kitchen.
Me: It’s no trouble. I’ll just scoot to the end of the sofa…
To help us visualize the dimensions of our livingroom space, we used blue painter’s tape to outline the couch sizes we wanted and where they would go. While standing there looking at the blue outlines on the carpet, it struck me that I really need to stop watching so many “CSI” crime shows…
If all goes well, we should be completely moved by the end of the week. Assuming there’s no foul play involved…
___________________________________________________________________________________
(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)
Ned's Blog 
The photo would have been funnier if you had then used chalk to outline a person lying on that couch. Good luck with the rest of your move. Have fun trying to remember which box that shaver/can opener/tool set/remote/etc. was packed into.
Lol! Since our teens spend so much time on those couches, it would be hard to distinguish the body outlines!
And thanks, yesterday I found my razor in a box marked “Christmas Stuff.” Which is exactly what it felt like when I found it.
Lmao we had those couches too. Bought new ones with recliners on each side. …. bought a baby gate to keep the dogs out of the living room and now the teenagers each own their very own piece of the crackhead set. (Hopefully the new set will last awhile)
Lol! It sounds like everyone got what they wanted. Or at least what YOU wanted them to have. Which is even better… 😉
Good luck with your move, Ned, and have fun picking out that new living room set! 🙂
We already ordered it — just waiting for it to arrive… in JUNE! AAAHGH! Until then, it’s diningroom chairs and bean bags. Very classy…
I’m starting to have trouble getting out of those! (Bean bags, that is.) 🙂
It’s easy once you accept the fact that you need to roll out onto the floor first…
Here’s hoping the new couch does not murder the new chair.
I here Chace Lounge is on suicide watch…
Uh oh. Who’s watching?
Some prison gaurd named Ottoman.
Well it would be awkward to have Ottoman in your home at all times..
I’m speechless – a very uncommon state of affairs for me. 😀
When you toss the old couch on the curb, remember to alert thieves by placing a price tag on it – or else it will sit there forever.
Hahahaha! Thanks forthe tip!
What time will you be coming by?
so funny and i’m sure it will be a found treasure to someone else who may happen upon it. there’s a lot of history in them thar’ cushions, oh, the stories they could tell!
Plot twist: I actually murdered the couches because of what they’ve seen. Especially when the kids aren’t home…
Very good put a smile on my face!
Thanks, James! And good news! You’re the winning commenter! I’m shipping you my old couches this afternoon — congratulations! 😉
Thanks Ned!
Scary stuff, Alfre….er, Ned. Good luck with the move!
And remember, if you get caught doing anything illegal, just remember to deny, deny, deny and don’t leave any photographic evidence. 😉
*drops ipod into commode*
What photogrraphic evidence?
LOL!!!! Great technique, Ned 🙂
It’s all in the wrist… 😉
*bites tongue and keeps the intended comment locked inside her wicked little brain
I DO hope to see photos of your new place and furniture. 🙂
Oh, there will definitely be photos!
Of the house and furniture, I mean.
And for the record, I am impressed by your restraint 😉
😉
I really like that CSI clip, and happy that it’s included in your mini doc that we worked on.
Thanks, Alan — Me too! But the video bio is all you,Man. I’ll be posting the link to it tomorrow for my Nickel’s Worth on Writing.
My advice to anyone with children or pets or anyone who eats. Anyone with DNA, really. No suede.
Suede is definitely not allowed in our house. On our pets OR children.
Sir, you must stop couching your thoughts in the hopes of divan inspiration. We need to settee this once and for all. I totally appreciate that you love seat but you’ll never get your wing back if you expect everyone to cushion your wicker shock. Just pick an otto, man and be done with it (and don’t forget to bring a stool sample).
Hahaha! I’m not even going to touch that.
Mostly because you mentioned a stool sample.
Obviously you haven’t seen my house, Ned…
It’s only a matter of time…