Clearly, our old furtniture was a crime in progress

image It wasn’t until dragging our furniture into the yard during our move that I realized our couches looked like they were purchased from a crackhouse garage sale. After years of having the dogs rub themselves along the front, and motionless teenagers planted on the cushions for hours at a time, they were dirty, lumpy and misshapen.

And so were our couches.

After a long discussion about the merits of keeping our old set and the cost of replacing them with a new one, my wife and I decided to go ahead and get rid of our old sofa and love seat. Total elapsed time for this conversation:

11 seconds.

That includes the eight seconds we spent covering the couches with a tarp so no one else would see them. Before going to the furniture store, we measured the wall and floor space in the new livingroom to ensure we wouldn’t order the wrong size, and end up having a conversation like this:

Me: Honey, would you like me to grab you a soda from the fridge?
My wife: Only if you’re going to the kitchen.
Me: It’s no trouble. I’ll just scoot to the end of the sofa…

To help us visualize the dimensions of our livingroom space, we used blue painter’s tape to outline the couch sizes we wanted and where they would go. While standing there looking at the blue outlines on the carpet, it struck me that I really need to stop watching so many “CSI” crime shows…

If all goes well, we should be completely moved by the end of the week. Assuming there’s no foul play involved…


(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, or Barnes & Noble.)

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Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

37 thoughts on “Clearly, our old furtniture was a crime in progress”

  1. The photo would have been funnier if you had then used chalk to outline a person lying on that couch. Good luck with the rest of your move. Have fun trying to remember which box that shaver/can opener/tool set/remote/etc. was packed into.

    1. Lol! Since our teens spend so much time on those couches, it would be hard to distinguish the body outlines!

      And thanks, yesterday I found my razor in a box marked “Christmas Stuff.” Which is exactly what it felt like when I found it.

  2. Lmao we had those couches too. Bought new ones with recliners on each side. …. bought a baby gate to keep the dogs out of the living room and now the teenagers each own their very own piece of the crackhead set. (Hopefully the new set will last awhile)

  3. so funny and i’m sure it will be a found treasure to someone else who may happen upon it. there’s a lot of history in them thar’ cushions, oh, the stories they could tell!

  4. Scary stuff, Alfre….er, Ned. Good luck with the move!

    And remember, if you get caught doing anything illegal, just remember to deny, deny, deny and don’t leave any photographic evidence. πŸ˜‰

  5. Sir, you must stop couching your thoughts in the hopes of divan inspiration. We need to settee this once and for all. I totally appreciate that you love seat but you’ll never get your wing back if you expect everyone to cushion your wicker shock. Just pick an otto, man and be done with it (and don’t forget to bring a stool sample).

No one is watching, I swear...

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