With the release of her highly anticipated online novel Time-Traveling Vampires of Love just a few days away, I held little hope of getting an interview with Ima Knowitall when I called her private number this morning on behalf of Long Awkward Pause. Knowitall is the author of more than 40 online novels this past year, and has received multiple awards, including the coveted Prolific Speller Award, the Hemmingway Award for “longest run-on sentence of 2012 and 2013” (same sentence) and, most recently, was honored by the Society of Illiterate Columnists (SIC) for her contributions to “…the advancement of people who write without the shackles of proper grammar.”
Despite knowing I had almost no chance of landing an interview with an author of Knowitall’s caliber on the eve of her latest release, the fact that I had acquired her private number meant I had to at least try. According to my source, Knowitall’s secret phone number is part of an elaborate system of security measures created to protect her from hoards of overzealous paparazzi and fans. Nervously, I called the number and was ready when a man who identified himself as “Shizzle” answered from what sounded like the inside of a phone booth.
Carefully following the security code instructions I had been given, I replied, “Looking for Ima, B**ch!” then hung up and waited five minutes before calling again.
This time, Ima answered. “Who is this?”
“My name is Ned. I’m with Long Awkward Pause.”
“Do I owe you money?” (More at Long Awkward Pause…)