I don’t generally do awards. Too many elementary school disappointments, like the time Billy Guthry was voted by cafeteria staff as “Most Likely to Barf on Succotash Day” when, in fact, I still get queasy thinking about the way the zuccini looked in that gelatinous broth.
Like vegetable mucus and stewed tomatoes.
Hold on. I’ll be right back…
Sorry. Where was I?
Right, Billy Guthry killing my dream.
Anyway, that was a long time ago and I’ve moved on. And while I still tend to shy away from awards, particuarly when it involves competing against other writers (unless Billy Guthry shows his face), I made an exception when Kendall F. Person informed me that I was a nominee for the Public Blogger Award. When he explained that I was one of only two nominees to make it by a unanimous vote from a field of 700 performers, I was so surprised I almost vomited.
Take that, Billy Guthry.
For those who may not be familiar with this award, it’s sort of like The Oscars of the blogosphere. Except no one cares who I’m wearing. What makes this year different and groundbreaking is that, unlike past years when there were winners in several categories, there will only be one winner: Performance of the Year, which is based on the nominee’s overall body of work.
For those of you who have seen my body in the Terminator spoof, I know what you’re thinking: Wow, he’s got his work cut out for him.
Especially since, in addition to weekly challenges voted on by judges, there will also be public votes and weekly eliminations leading up to the finale Dec. 30, when the winner is announced.
Think of it as The Oscars meets American Idol; to be honest, I’d feel better about my chances if Paula Abdul was a judge.
I should also mention I’m the only humorist among an extremely talented group of nominees, which includes poets, singers, photographers, bloggers and artists from around the world — All of whom, I should point out, appear to be in better shape than me.
See what I mean? All these people are too good-looking to also be this talented. It isn’t fair!
I’m starting to feel sick…
Anyway, the first public vote will be Oct. 12. The specifics haven’t been released yet, but when they are I promise to pass them along almost as fast as Mrs. Webber’s succotash.
In all seriousness, it’s going to be a lot of fun and a little crazy. Actually a LOT crazy. Whether you vote or not, I still hope you’ll share in the experience with me here or on my Facebook page. Regardless of the outcome, it’s your wonderful support that got me this far and I am truly appreciative. There is no winner or loser at this point.
Except Billy Guthry, who unwittingly inspired me to accept this challenge by losing his lunch those many years ago.
Until the next update, here’s the short video used as an introduction following my nomination. Relax, I promise there is no red thong footage…
Again, thank you ALL for being the reason I’m counted among this group of talented folks in the first place.
— Ned
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(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation and a member of the writing team at Long Awkward Pause. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)
Ned's Blog 
The world is yours, Ned Hickson!
Take good care of it, will ya?
Thanks, Robert! I’ll do my best but I can’t make any promises. You’ve seen my office desk…
You did yourself a disservice by leading off with that very descriptive school cafeteria story. By the time I made my beeline to the facilities and came back, my computer had timed out. Of course, being as technicalogically savvy as I am, I knew how to get back onto your site to read the rest of the post – and it’s a good thing I did, because how else would I know to vote for you on October 12?
Like many other bloggers, Kendall Person was one of my first followers – very exciting, and of course, I followed him in return. After about a year, I decided to purge my reading list, and The Public Blogger became a casualty of that purge. Perhaps I shouldn’t have done that – maybe I could have been one of the nominees (a dollar and a dream, right?).
Anyway – good luck, Ned! I’ll be rooting for you (for whatever that’s worth).
Sorry about that. Obviously the memory of succotash created a deep groove in my memory. And my stomach. Thanks for coming back to finish the rest of this post!
I didn’t stumble into Kendall until a few years ago, when he asked me to particiapte in a post for his site. Once I saw what he was doing there, I was totally impressed with the scope of his imagination and artistic pursuits. He’s site is really groudbreaking. After speaking with him on the phone, I can tell you his enthusiasm is infectious.
Thanks so much for your support 😉
Thanks, Ned. Based on your high praise, I will go back and check out Kendall’s site again.
Glad to hear it. If you enjoy all form performance art, there’s nothing quite like it out there in my opinion 😉
Thanks for the advance notice. Gives me time to do my finger exercises to make sure my voting finger is in prime condition.
We vote for you. Right?
😉
I’ll leave the voting up to you. But I should warn you: I’m an ugly crier…
Excellent. I’ll make sure to bring my camera. *grin*
You can count on my vote Ned.
Thanks, Paul!
congrats and i hope you have your body-hugging red sparkly cut up to there gown ready.
I’m more concerned about the plunging backline.
I wouldn’t want you to stick that Bieber kid on me if I didn’t vote, but in all seriousness, congratulations, and of course you will have my vote. I did look at the other nominees, it is quite the range of characters in your category.
Thank you for not making me pull the Bieber Card, Catherine.
And yes, it’s quite a mix of artists isn’t it? If we have to exchange genres and I get stuck with hip-hop, it’s all over for me.
Personally, I think you should go with the red thong –particularly if it’s Prada.
YES! Count me in – vote early and often, right?
Only if I can borrow your red pumps. Or hiking boots.
And thanks, Michelle! I’ll keep you updated on the particulars as I get them 😉
I think the Nedinator sealed the deal. But I would be happy to vote. Congrats on your nomination!
Thanks, Tara. At least it’s better than Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez’s “Gigli.”
You have my vote….or two….whatever I can maneuver.
Hahaha! As long as it’s legal!
Legal? Oh, that.
You’ve got my vote. You’re funny!
Thanks, Gibber!
(That was an mostly unsolicited…)
Ha! Well there wasn’t any brain washing..
You had me at, “I know how to please my wife”. Yeah, it was never a question, you have my vote.
Thanks, Robyn 😉
She calls me her “little Duster Buster.”
I mean BIG!
“BIG Duster Buster!”
…damn it…
I’d have voted for you even without the red thong.
Wait….I mean, even if you hadn’t been wearing -….no. No, that’s not what I mean, either.
That second piece of bourbon cake may have been a bad idea….
I tend to get better looking in a red thong the more burbon cake you have.
Ned,
You are BRILLIANT! I am a huge fan and I can’t get enough~
BTW~You have inspired me so damn much…it’s because of you, I have finally taken that first step in doing what I love and what I am most passionate about in my life! (besides my husband and kids) I am never going to be able to repay you for that. Thank you for the boot in my ASS!!!!! (I hope I could use that bad word?)
I think I just lost my PG rating, but who gives a shit! I’m so excited for you, Lisa 😉 Truly, it makes my heart happy to see you pursuing your dream. I feel very fortunate to have played a small part in helping you get the traction you needed. Enjoy the process and toast the results often!
My bad 😦
🙂
I’ll be there, Ned. Ink-in-the-veins types stick together in these contestular campaigns. 🙂
Contestular, testicular.. thanks either way, Mark!
Yeah, I made a word up, Ned. And it felt good until your juxtaposition …
That’s what SHE said… buh DA bum!
This is why you’re nominated, Ned. 🙂
This is so awesome, Ned! Of course you can count on my support. How many times will I be able to vote??
I’m not sure how it works yet, but I know there will be different timees to vote between now and Dec.30. Thanks for your support!
Not that I wasn’t going to vote for you anyway…but your line, “Get out” pretty much sealed the deal for me. I spit out my coffee. By the way, I think you should do more vlogs and definitely more Ahnold. (and you owe me a coffee)
Thanks, Darla. I took the “method acting” approach like Brando, using personal experience to draw from, in this case channeling what I’ve told every boy who shows up to date my daughters…
(And if I ever make it to Maine again, the coffee is on me.)
Best of luck. Please don’t puke.
I would be more than happy to vote early, and vote often. When do the delivery trucks pull up to my door bearing goodies and treats? (Suitcases with 20’s are also accepted).
The next round of voting will be this Sunday at 7 p.m. Suitcases should arrive by 7:15 p.m. (More details this tomorrow… about voting, not the luggage)