Some of you may already be participating in the annual celebration of spring break. And by “participating” I mean coming home from work at lunch to find your teen still in pajamas eating Pop-Tarts straight out of the box while playing Call of Duty or streaming Supernatural reruns on Netflix.
Being a parent, you will smile and playfully tousle their hair. You’ll ask them if they’re enjoying their much-needed vacation from another hard month of schooling. They will grunt in response, causing you to chuckle as you walk to the kitchen, open the refrigerator, and find nothing left but a chilled cantaloupe rind.
“You must’ve worked up an appetite,” you’ll say, though what you’re really thinking is:
Between early-release days, in-service days and holidays, my kids spent a total of nine days in actual SCHOOL last month! How is this even FAIR! I hate you! I hate everyone!
Oops, sorry! That last part was my teenagers.
My point is, the time has come to expand spring break to include EVERYONE so we can all enjoy a week of unfettered fun. And naturally, when I say “everyone,” I realize there are certain positions so important to our country’s infrastructure they can’t shut down without causing our nation to crumble. So, I’m sorry: cooks, servers and bartenders, you’ll have to draw straws for President’s Day.
For the rest of us, however, a week of relaxation during the nicest time of year is going to be fantastic! No longer will Cancun, Panama City and South Padre Island be the exclusive destinations for drunken college students and creepy professors offering extra credit assignments. No way! From now on, they’ll have to share those warm beaches with parents inflating 8-foot plastic sea mammals for their young children or, in some cases, their horrified teenagers.
“We’re TOO OLD to ride a plastic Shamu!” they’ll protest.
But Dad will continue undeterred, blowing into an air nodule located in a highly questionable area of plastic whale anatomy. This will of course be embarrassing to his teens, who are already mortified by the fact that Dad wore his swim fins to the beach and sand-whipped 30 sunbathers en route to a relatively quiet spot near a keg draped with bikini tops. That’s when Mom and Dad will begin spreading suntan lotion on themselves as if creating a protective layer against the Ebola virus, slathering every crevice before putting on matching Panama Jack sun hats. They will then hand the lotion to their sobbing teens, assuming they haven’t already run off to drown themselves in the surf.
What if your kids are already in college with spring break plans of their own? No problem! Surprise them at the beach! Chances are they used your credit card to secure their travel plans anyway; how hard can it be to get a room at the same hotel? Imagine the laughs you’ll share when they realize the person yelling at everyone to stop staring at his daughter in the bikini contest is DAD! Or the reason that group of girls keeps giggling every time you get near them is because Mom is showing pictures of you pointing to your very first chest hair!
Yes, I think the need to implement a National Spring Break Week is something we can all agree is long overdue.
For those who don’t, I have two words for you:
(Look! I even started a hashtag thingy! #NationwideSpringBreak)