Some of you may already be participating in the annual celebration of spring break. And by “participating” I mean coming home from work at lunch to find your teen still in pajamas eating Pop-Tarts straight out of the box while playing Call of Duty or streaming Supernatural reruns on Netflix.
Being a parent, you will smile and playfully tousle their hair. You’ll ask them if they’re enjoying their much-needed vacation from another hard month of schooling. They will grunt in response, causing you to chuckle as you walk to the kitchen, open the refrigerator, and find nothing left but a chilled cantaloupe rind.
“You must’ve worked up an appetite,” you’ll say, though what you’re really thinking is:
Between early-release days, in-service days and holidays, my kids spent a total of nine days in actual SCHOOL last month! How is this even FAIR! I hate you! I hate everyone!
Oops, sorry! That last part was my teenagers.
My point is, the time has come to expand spring break to include EVERYONE so we can all enjoy a week of unfettered fun. And naturally, when I say “everyone,” I realize there are certain positions so important to our country’s infrastructure they can’t shut down without causing our nation to crumble. So, I’m sorry: cooks, servers and bartenders, you’ll have to draw straws for President’s Day.
For the rest of us, however, a week of relaxation during the nicest time of year is going to be fantastic! No longer will Cancun, Panama City and South Padre Island be the exclusive destinations for drunken college students and creepy professors offering extra credit assignments. No way! From now on, they’ll have to share those warm beaches with parents inflating 8-foot plastic sea mammals for their young children or, in some cases, their horrified teenagers.
“We’re TOO OLD to ride a plastic Shamu!” they’ll protest.
But Dad will continue undeterred, blowing into an air nodule located in a highly questionable area of plastic whale anatomy. This will of course be embarrassing to his teens, who are already mortified by the fact that Dad wore his swim fins to the beach and sand-whipped 30 sunbathers en route to a relatively quiet spot near a keg draped with bikini tops. That’s when Mom and Dad will begin spreading suntan lotion on themselves as if creating a protective layer against the Ebola virus, slathering every crevice before putting on matching Panama Jack sun hats. They will then hand the lotion to their sobbing teens, assuming they haven’t already run off to drown themselves in the surf.
What if your kids are already in college with spring break plans of their own? No problem! Surprise them at the beach! Chances are they used your credit card to secure their travel plans anyway; how hard can it be to get a room at the same hotel? Imagine the laughs you’ll share when they realize the person yelling at everyone to stop staring at his daughter in the bikini contest is DAD! Or the reason that group of girls keeps giggling every time you get near them is because Mom is showing pictures of you pointing to your very first chest hair!
Yes, I think the need to implement a National Spring Break Week is something we can all agree is long overdue.
For those who don’t, I have two words for you:
Summer school.
(Look! I even started a hashtag thingy! #NationwideSpringBreak)
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Ned's Blog 
Let me just dig my beach bod out of storage.
Ok, but you’re inflating it yourself.
Wait – there’s a spring break?? Oh, right, you mean those TWO DAYS left after all the snow days are made up.
I’ve heard about that thing called “snow.” We don’t get much of it here, so kids generally just get out of school earlier in June by using the snow days as like a “get out of jail free” card.
No snow? I’m moving.
Lol! Lots of rain, though. But I just keep reminding myself it’s why it’s so green here. And probably why the marijuana bill passed…
We are besieged with spring breakers, our beaches are trashed, several young people have shot, injured, killed one another. It’s not pretty.
We’re also a spring break town on the coast, although mostly RVers and families. Not quite the same crowd. I’m really sorry to hear you’re dealing with so much mayhem. But you see my point: That wouldn’t happen if their parents were there… 😉
Unfortunately many parents don’t even know where their kids are…the absentee parents.
They seem to remember where they are when it comes time for federal income taxes…
lol! indeed.
Spring break – yes! Hordes of unsupervised kids – no! 😉
I’d settle for hordes of spring break.
and i hope you’ll be entered in the hot thong contest. columnists gone wild video to follow …..
Hahahahaha! What a horrifying thought.
Great idea Ned, and oh, you look so official with the new ‘glasses’ pic. 🙂
That’s me, “Mr. Official.” No one seems to know what I’m the official “of” though…
It doesn’t matter. We believe you anyway. 🙂
Reblogged this on Kate McClelland and commented:
That sounds like a pitch for a movie to me. Dan Aykroyd as the ‘Dad’ hahaha!
What did parents ever do before you, Ned Hickson?
Besides lead healthy, productive lives, I mean?
They also probably drank a lot less…
My kids were teens on break last week, but I was lucky. We were on kid watch (goat kid watch), so while we were busy watching kids come into the world, their friends were getting drunk on a beach somewhere down south.
But I hear you: we all need a break sometime. I’m working on the accumulation system: I’ve worked every day since my first was born more than 18 years ago. When the youngest is 18, I’m going to times the number of years by three and take my vacation all at once (23 x 3 = 69 weeks). I told the kids I’d send the post cards from wherever I end up…even if that is drunk on a beach somewhere down south. lol
Best. Plan. Ever.
Indeed sir, indeed.