When you find yourself force-feeding Pepto Bismol into your child’s constipated hamster, you figure you’ve faced one of your greatest challenges as a parent. In fact, over the years, it has become the measuring stick by which all family crisis is measured:
“He backed the car into a tree? Well, I suppose it’s still better than dealing with a constipated hamster…”
In fact, the only crisis that has come close — appropriately enough — involved the same hamster. It was a moment that began with a simple statement from my daughter.
“Dad, I can’t find Squiggles.”
Those words, uttered just three nights after the constipation incident, transformed a quiet Wednesday evening into a full-scale hamster hunt. Within minutes, our team was assembled around the kitchen table for a briefing.
“There’s no telling how long he’s been on the outside,” I said. “There’s a good chance he’s already assumed a new identity — perhaps as a mouse or gerbil. Keep you eyes open.”
A collective nod from the team.
“We’re going to concentrate our efforts in the area between the guest room, hamster cage and attic,” I said. “It’s called cross-triangulation.”
“I see, like the Bermuda Triangle,” my oldest daughter said.
I gave everyone their assignments, then dispersed the posse. “Let’s go do some good!”
Excitedly, my then two-year-old son broke from the group and rushed through the kitchen with his flashlight — then promptly sat in our dog’s water bowl.
Things pretty much went downhill from there.
What makes hamsters so hard to catch is that… well, they’re small. And they can make themselves even smaller just by thinking about it. They also have no bones and can run in excess of 70 mph. None of this is covered in the handbook, which portrays hamsters as funny, quizzical characters with special little pouches for storing food on either side of their jaws. What the book doesn’t tell you is that those “little pouches” can actually stretch to accommodate food items much larger than the hamster itself, similar to an anaconda’s ability to swallow the entire Budweiser draft horse team.
It was this thought that surfaced as I scooted belly-first through the crawlspace in our attic with a flashlight wedged between my teeth. I’ve never been keen on tight spaces, so when I caught the reflection of black eyes peering back at me from the insulation, I wasn’t thrilled to discover that my rear end — which had slipped forward through the crawl space with minimal effort — was now meeting resistance similar to an elephant backing into a shower stall.
In front of me, Squiggles was preparing his pouches for something really big.
“He’s over here!” I called out in a tone my daughter mistakenly thought was a scream.
“Where are you?”
“Purgatory. Or the crawl space in our attic, I forget which.”
“Can you see him?”
“Yes, and he looks hungry.”
“Can you grab him?”
“Not exactly; I can’t move.”
“This is bad, Dad.”
“When’s the last time Squiggles ate?”
Fortunately, I learned a couple of things during this recovery mission. First, given a choice, hamsters prefer fruit rolls to fat rolls. I also learned that cooking spray is as effective as WD-40 when it comes to loosening grown men out of tight spaces.
And even though Squiggles is no longer with us, he lives on.
I don’t mean in the walls.
I mean his memory helps me keep perspective whenever there’s a family crisis. Especially if there’s Pepto Bismol involved…
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Ned's Blog 
Those little guys are hard to find once they hole up somewhere in the house. My daughter’s pet rat ended up in the springs of he couch, from which he was rescued. He also used to disappear in the branches of the Christmas tree when we let him eat the st rung popcorn on it.
Hahaha! Yes, they are crafty. Always plotting! And eating!
This is pure comedy gold!
Thanks, Lennard! I’d have been happy with nickel-plated!
Yes, I’ve been on many hamster safaris. Then I found out you can leave their cage in the middle of the floor with the door open and they will come back when hungry.
That’s eventually how we got Squiggles back; left a trail of hamster treats leading to his cage. Same as getting teenagers home… 😉
LOL, Squeaky liked to get in the heat vents, giant hamster tunnels. Any hamster would pick a lock to do that.
Sounds like Squeaky should’ve been named Houdini!
She was name Squeaky because she gave birth to 3 babies about 2 days after we bought her. It was not a silent birth.
Hahahahahaha! 😉
Awesome! A constipated hamster will certainly put things into perspective, that is a hard scenario to beat! Sounds like this hamster was a great management learning tool for you. RIP Squiggles.
Thanks, Jen! Even as a volunteer firefighter, when I find myself in a hairy situation I think to myself, “It could be worse…”
This is one of the reasons we have a very large bunny
Lol! Good thinking. As long as it never gets constipated…
Classic Ned Hickson
Thanks! Who’d thought “Ned Hickson” would be synonymous with “constipated hamster?” 😉
Not synonymous. Merely associated with.
*whew*
Rodents are crafty little buggers. We’ve been fortunate that not one of our four rats have escaped, but rest assured that if they did one of our cats would likely find it in no time.
Haha! Probably why they haven’t “escaped.” They know they’d never make it on the outside…
Hahaha. Glad you got out of the attic, Ned! 🙂
Yeah, that would’ve really hurt the resale value of our home.
Hahaha. 🙂
This could be a Michael Bay movie.
True! In fact, a hamster is kind of like a Transformer anyway.
LOL! I have questions. Did you manage to catch the hamster or did it die during its run for freedom? If you did catch it, was it still constipated? If it was still constipated is that why it died? If that’s how it died, once it was dead and the body started to relax was the result something like throwing bullets in a fire? Was it’s cage ‘poop-proof’ or did it get….dispersed? You know what’s worse than a constipated Hamster? A Bearded Dragon with the runs – trust me. And….want to know how happy my children were to move out of the house? Elated.
1) It was caught by luring it back by hamster treats — which made it…
2) constipated again, but lived until it…
3) had a heart attack. Presumabley while trying to poop. Nearly happened to me once.
Haha! So glad you lived through it so you can amuse me. :o)
Haha! Love this. It reminds me of the ‘escape artist’ hamster I had as a kid… Who ironically got eaten by a cat. Not so clever in the end! 😳 I’m glad the WK40 worked! Hehe.
Thanks, Amanda! Sorry about your hamster. He would’ve been safer being a “lifer” rather than trying to survive “on the outside.” 😉
Family memories like this are the best.
This reminds me of the time my nephew’s hamster escaped. He was missing for three months; I caught him one day while in the laundry room. Needless to say, they never let him out to play again.
Sounds like he picked the wrong day to wash his clothes…
🙂 That, he did. After he died, they got guinea pigs instead; they’re much easier to find when lost in a big house.
I was thinking Shetland pony, but sure, a Gurinea pig works 😉
That’s what I got for my kids; well, a miniature donkey. We haven’t lost her in the house yet in the five years we’ve had her.
If you do, it might be time to downsize, Diane.
I’ll stick with an 85-100 lb dog. She is much easier to locate in those situations.
So is their poop 😉
Ned:
This was HILARIOUS….Nice job!!! You always make my day…Thank you…
xx
Sooz
Thanks, Suz!
Always glad when I can make your day 😉
We had two cats and at my daughter’s tearful insistence acquired a hamster – Hammie. Hammie was devious and managed to escape both his cage and her room with the closed door. We found him murdered in the morning between two very proud cats. May he rest in peace.
I think your daughter asked for the hamster at the tearful insistence of your cats. Just a gut feeling…
Hahahahhaha!
Now I’m waiting for the story about WD40, lol. PS. I nominated your blog for funniest blog for the annual Blogger’s Bash vote. 🙂
I’m hoping I can slip out of telling my WD-40 story. Very embarrassing, although I might make a good spokesperson..?
And thanks so much for the nomination, Debby! That means a lot 😉
Always a pleasure Ned, thanks for the laughs. 🙂
Hmm.. You can hardly blame a guy tortured with pink stuff for escaping. I wonder if the WD40 would have worked better than Pepto in the first place …
Haha! I probably would’ve needed to give him a crash helmet first, Mikels.
“This is bad, Dad.”
Boy, if I had a nickel for every time my daughter said that after reading my blog…
My daughter says the same thing.
About your blog posts, I mean…
it is the perfect litmus test against which all of life can be measured.
Certainly in my life. 😉
This was hilarious! Not for you, of course. We once lost a small lizard when he escaped. I wasn’t too keen on lizards in general, so knowing there was once running rampant through our house caused many sleepless nights.
*shivers* I had a friend who’s tarantula got loose for a while. I never spent the night as his house ever again.
I’m hyperventilating just reading your comment.
Ahh… escaped hamsters can certainly teach us a thing or two. 🙂
When our daughter was little she had a white hamster. So my daughter wanted a girl so she could name “her” Snowball.The guy at Petsmart assured us it was a girl hamster… no doubt about it, for sure it was a girl!! Right? Well, except for the thing that showed up between it’s legs about 3 months later. LMAO! After we discovered she was a he, we affectionately changed “her” name to Snowballs!! ha ha ha ha! Daughter was NOT happy!! Refused to believe it was a boy hamster and got really mad when we called him Snowballs! She did not find (and still doesn’t) any humor in that story whatsoever!! But I do! I have gotten a lot of mileage out of that one!! he he he! I’m a bad mom, right? 😀
😦
Sowballs! Hahahahaha! Sorry, but if I ever meet your daughter, that will probably be the first word out of my mouth! 😉
Hamsters are really just tiny furry little demons with ever-growing teeth. Those pouches can swell to accommodate the souls of all of their victims.
Thank You! I’m so glad someone else understands that!
We had a hamster on the lam once. Hubby threatened to put down mouse traps…Big Guy learned the power of prayer – I found him a few hours later (ironically in Hubby’s room) and after much slamming and swearing behind a closed door (with a towel under it to avoid escape, Hubby cornered him. Jack died peacefully a few years later in his food dish, and we buried him in it. Whenever I dig in that corner of the flower bed, I pray I don’t “hit the jack pot!
Haha! I’m just glad “Jack” wasn’t your husband’s name… although most of us men wouldn’t mind dying peacefully in our food dish 😉
My cooking hasn’t killed anyone yet, but there’s still time…
Reblogged this on Kate McClelland.
Thanks, Kate! And (the late) Squiggles thanks you! 😉
I thought Pepto was for diarrhea?? No wonder it doesn’t work.
I also now know why I’ve always said no to my daughter’s request for a hamster.
I’m coming in late on the comments due to primaries yesterday. The Hair has won another 4 states. Or is it five? Oh God. I guess it doesn’t matter. Except that I think I know where your hamster rests in peace.
HaHaHa! Maybe Squiggles will be his runningmate?
LOVE this!
Thanks, Gina!
I am rolling with laughter. Oh Ned, the pictures you paint.
Thank goodness it was a hamster that was lost, and not a snake. I’ve come nose to nose with one of those suckers in a crawl space or two.
On a more serious note, I just must say thank you. I have been having kind of a crappy week, and I came over here, specifically, because I knew you’d make me laugh.
Thank you! Thank you!
Lol! I can deal with slithering snakes. But scurrying rodents give me a moment of pause. Especially when my butt is stuck 😉
And helping make you smile in the midst of a crappy week? That just made MY week, Michelle. Besides, what are friends for?
I hope your week gets better. If not, there’s always frosting…
It’s already better…tomorrow is Friday!
My goodness, it was Sigourney Weaver in Alien all over again! You don’t say specifically how Squiggles got loose in the first place. I hope it didn’t involve bursting out suddenly from somebody’s chest.
HaHa! Fortunately, I didn’t wander into any egg nests. And how Squiggles got out remains a mystery… like any good horror movie…
How funny! I once had a class hedge hot that went missing over school break in junior high, I have to agree it’s up there on one of the high stressed moments in life. Particularly because the hedge hog was not mine. Wouldn’t you know he would reappear just before midnight of the eve of our first day back?! Little spiky @$$hole, what a scare he gave me. 😉
Hahaha! Yes, hedgehogs are definitely A-holes. I think the spiky hair gives them an attitude.
As somebody who once had to cut open a sofa to capture an escaped hamster who had got herself inside but couldn’t get out I really appreciate this 😂
I know we’re not alone in this, Sammy. I think there’s potential for a support group!