Low-calorie holiday treats that won’t cause diarrhea!

image Unless you’re a hyperactive nine-year-old fueled by Pixie Sticks and Hostess Cupcakes without an ounce of concern for weight-gain because concern is the ONLY ounce you’re going to gain this holiday season, then you’re like the rest of us trying to get through the next six weeks without looking like Jabba the Hutt’s stunt double.

What this means is finding a healthy balance between satisfying your God-given right to partake in all of those delicious holiday treats while, at the same time, adhering to the God-given Commandment to avoid gluttony.

Yes, the Lord does indeed work in mysterious ways. Take fruitcake for example…

No, seriously. Please take mine.

That’s because over the next few weeks I’ll be sharing quick and easy holiday recipe tips that are both low-calorie and delicious! And not just because “quick and easy” is my pet name.

Today, I am going to show you how to make a cup of hot chocolate that you can drink as an alternative to buttered rum or egg nog, which are not only high in calories but, depending on the alcohol content, can lead to makinge a snow angel in the front yard wearing nothing but a Santa hat.

In August. 

So avoid the awkwardness — and calories — with this hot and delicious alternative! (A pet name I’ve never had, by the way.)

Step one: Grab your favorite holiday mug!

Given that Star Wars comes out Dec. 17, this qualifies as a holiday mug
Given the latest Star Wars movie coming out soon, this qualifies as a holiday mug

Step 2: After filling your holiday mug with water and heating it in the microwave until you hear the ceramic crack, add a packet of Swiss Miss low-calorie hot chocolate. Only 60 calories!

Only 70 calories because there's no flavor... I mean SUGAR added!
Only 60 calories because there’s no flavor… I mean SUGAR added!

Step three: Add one packet of chocolate mix, depending on the size of your wasteline  mug

Hear that? It's the sound of you getting skinnier! Without the diarrhea!
Hear that? It’s the sound of you getting skinnier! Without the diarrhea!

Step 4: Stir liberally (or conservatively, depending on where you stand on the issue) to distribute the ingredients evenly!

Yes, it's a pink spoon and I'm man enough to admit it.
Yes, it’s a pink spoon and I’m man enough to admit it.

Step 5: Take your first sip!

There's nothing the satisfaction of knowing you are drinking responsibly, at least in terms of calories
There’s nothing like the satisfaction of knowing you are drinking responsibly, at least in terms of calories

Step 6: WHAT THE @#$%!

It's missing something... oh yeah, FLAVOR!
It’s missing something… oh yeah, FLAVOR!

Step 6.5: Add Hersey’s Dark Chocolate Syrup while no one is looking

Hey everyone! Look over there! Is that a new Star Wars ornament?!?
Hey everyone! Look over there! Is that a new Star Wars ornament?!?

Step 7: Enjoy your beverage, and the satisfaction of knowing everyone is jealous of your amazing “willpower.”

Sometimes, one ingredient can make all the difference
Sometimes, one ingredient can make all the difference

Ok, fine. So this wasn’t exactly as low-calorie as I’d planned. But at least you won’t have to worry about ending up in the yard making snow angels again.

Next tip: How to eat holiday fudge without the guilt (or any memory of it)

(Have a low-calorie holiday recipe you’d like me to improve or otherwise ruin? Leave it in the comments box or contact me through one of my links. Except the sausage link. I’m not sharing that…)


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Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

54 thoughts on “Low-calorie holiday treats that won’t cause diarrhea!”

  1. Someone gave my Dad rum (he doesn’t drink) so he made rum balls. The smell was enough to lower our inhibitions and make us warm! No need to eat them. Therefore, a low-cal alternative to sweets and alcohol!

  2. I don’t recommend “stirring liberally”, Ned. “Liberally” means that we have to celebrate each ingredient equally, (but maybe a little more equal celebration for chocolate and cinnamon and a little less for vanilla), and you have to create a healthy mix that ideally produces a rich tapestry of diverse ingredients that do not dissolve into a uniformly-colored bland mass, while at the same time taking care that no single ingredient dominates the top of the cup nor sinks to the bottom. As you can see, “stirring liberally” can be so much work that you can actually lose weight from a liberally stirred cup. Although the good news is that any amount of milk fat is still beautiful and a cup should never be criticized for containing too much of it.

  3. I don’t know who they think they’re kidding with those packets. The only way to reach a drinkable liquid to powder ratio is to either significantly scale up the cocoa, or significantly scale down the mug.

    Which is why I drink all my hot chocolate from a shot glass. The bonus of this is that once you’ve finished your cocoa you can just refill the shot glass with bourbon as necessary until you’re warm and carefree enough to not care about what a rip-off the hot chocolate was.

    P.S. If you have any tips on how to curb an addiction to chocolate-covered German gingerbread, I’m all ears. Although that may be shifting to all hips any day now. Please help.

    1. Oh my God… Chocolate covered German gingerbread? That sounds amazing! However, I’m pretty sure I can find a low-calorie version — which I will promptly destroy.

  4. I make a wonderful easy.. no fail, fudge that everyone loves. I remove every single calorie before they are given out! Promise! (fingers crossed) Seriously it is awesome stuff! Can’t wait for your other recipes! I think I remember the “hot chocolate” from last year?? Hmmmm… 😉

    1. I’ll be the judge of how great your fudge is, Courtney… *waits at mailbox*

      And yes, I started this last year and didn’t follow up. This year I plan to introduce some more equally tantalizing recipes 😉

  5. Aww, come on. You’re no fun. How can you keep your weight all slim through the holidays, and deny yourself all the amazing goodies? Everyone’s going to follow your lead (because we are all followers at heart, and you’re such a natural leader), and pretty soon the sugar cane and dairy and wheat industries will crash because everyone will be eating nothing but carrot and celery sticks. Besides, what about the fodder for writing about New Years resolutions that center around losing the holiday ten or fifteen pounds?

  6. Your face was priceless in step6! LOL. I think you may want to stick with your day job, lol. Thank goodness you are hilarious and as always it was a fun read, but seriously Ned, your recipe sucks LMAO. Soooooooo looking forward to the next one! 🙂 🙂

  7. I find it very difficult not to add a few secret highly calorific calories at this time of year. I’m storing up belly fat in case I need it to keep me warm… Unfortunately it doesn’t seem to be working! LOL!!

No one is watching, I swear...

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