As the rains continue here on the Oregon coast and the political storm blows across the nation, I was reminded of a simpler time, three years ago, back when the only mud slinging came from my own lack of dexterity and an ill-advised attempt to try my hand at pole dancing.
In the rain.
It was a day that had all three elements of a “Perfect Storm:”
Extremely strong winds
My weak acrobatic skills.
Keep in mind that this is always a dangerous combination. Especially when my family suggests I do something funny, like pretend the wind is lifting me off the ground. Under normal circumstance — such as sitting on the couch, completely dry and nowhere near a pole — this would not have been a problem. But as we made our way through the school parking lot fighting the wind and rain, the third element of this Perfect Storm scenario developed.
“Honey, you should do that pole thing where you lift your legs up like it’s windy,” my wife suggested. “I’ll get a picture!”
“But it really IS windy,” I replied.”
“Exactly! It’ll look even funnier!”
Naturally, my response was what you’d expect from a 47-year-old man with limited health coverage.
After taking the above photo, we all had a good laugh. Then my loving wife suggested we take it up a notch. “Hey, let’s do a video of it!”
Keep in mind that my wife and son were both remaining warm and dry in the car during all this, and that I — along with the pole — were getting wetter by the minute. I, of course, took all of this into consideration before putting my foot down and answering with an unequivocal, “OKAY!”
The first take went pretty well…
With that take safely recorded, the smart thing to do would have been to get into the car and drive home. But then I asked myself, “Would Martin Scorsese quit with one take? Would Stanley Kubrick? Sure, NOW he would. But what about before he was dead?”
The second take didn’t go quite so well..
Thanks to the rain, things didn’t get much better…
Should the police ever decide to investigate what I’m sure were numerous reports of a man attempting to commit suicide by sliding down a pole face-first into the mud, I’ll be easy to find. That’s because, in addition to the lasting impression I made on those who witnessed this event, I’m pretty sure there’s also a good impression of my face at the bottom of that pole…
(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)
44 thoughts on “Caught On Tape! Why I’ll never be a pole dancer…”
I am going to put together a list of humiliating tasks that the world needs to witness from Ned, send it to your wife.
Hahaha! I have a feeling her archives are already pretty expansive, Steve…
LOL — I get the idea that is true. Too bad, my first suggestion was to stand in front of the local Baptist church, on a Sunday morning, singing ‘Born This Way’ or ‘Like a Virgin’ through a bullhorn while wearing the infamous red thong.
“There are limits to my sense of humor” — God
Hahahahaaaaaa — I dodged the lightning bolt
Oh, that blog was funny, Ned! I have watched it and re-watched it! I needed that! Someone (a man) doing a goofy thing! Nothing like it! Whoo-hooo! Splat!
Glad you enjoyed it, Robin! But maybe just a little too much…
Hahaha! Comedy gold! 😂
Coincidentally, that was my wrestling name…
Haha! Amazing! Suits you!
I’m dumbfounded that that was three years ago!
I know! And I still haven’t needed a hip replacement!
They had to replace the pole, though.
Three years ago? It feels like yesterday…
My favorite part is Alicia’s laugh 🙂
Every day 😉
First thing to go is the memory…three years? Three days? It’s all the same.
Who are you again?
The best part is that with all the rain, your mud was probably so very soft…like gently pushing your face into a feather pillow…wait…maybe that was your wife’s plan all along? She’s trying to KILL YOU get out now….make a run for Mexico.
I’m sure if I ran I’d probably trip and hurt myself.
Sadist! Haha 😉
Thanks for sharing that, Ned. I feel slightly better about myself, now…
Probably a LOT better I would think!
You know, besides the fact that was very funny, it’s hard to not laugh because of the laughter. Years back the company I work for did a promotion “Life is Terrific “. One of the exercises was a ten second laugh. Just start laughing. It works. People join in and shortly that forced fake laugh turns real. And everyone thinks you’re crazy. That’s just a bonus.
My wife’s laugh is my favorite part of that video 😉
Thanks for the post and thanks for risking injury in the name of comedy. We need more people like that.
That’s the downside; the people willing to risk injury for comedy tend to die off a lot faster! Thanks for watching 😉
All is not lost. When the audience yells “encore, encore,” you can yell back, “replay, replay!”
Maybe you should consider some capital “P” Pole dancing such as the Krakowiak, Mazurek or Polonaise.
Haha! Nice comedy..Glad u didn’t hurt yourself !
I figured I’d have a hard time explaining it to my insurance company…
This is hilarious, wont be trying that any time soon!
I wrote a blog post about PDA which takes a comical stance. Check it out and let me know what you think 🙂
The camera loves you, Ned.
The pole, not so much…
This made my day better.
Always glad to hear that!
LOL! Before I even watched it, I knew what was going to happen! ha ha ha ha ha! Thanks for the laugh Ned! NOW, be careful out there! 😀
.. Well, mostly.
You know?…Good Job. Solid Effort. A++ for trying. Sexy?? No.
I’m a new follower, love your posts, always like a person who can laugh at themselves. You may like a couple of my unfortunate posts.
https://onyajay.com/2016/12/18/teach-your-child-to-drive/ The Learner Driver exasperation.
https://onyajay.com/2017/01/24/baby-fart/ Don’t hide the baby.
I survived both. Just.
You had me at “baby fart.”
Thanks….I think. 😀 Farts always seem to get an audience….sadly.