Caught On Tape! Why I’ll never be a pole dancer…


As the rains continue here on the Oregon coast and the political storm blows across the nation, I was reminded of a simpler time, three years ago, back when the only mud slinging came from my own lack of dexterity and an ill-advised attempt to try my hand at pole dancing.

In the rain.

It was a day that had all three elements of a “Perfect Storm:”

Extremely strong winds
Heavy rain
My weak acrobatic skills.

Keep in mind that this is always a dangerous combination. Especially when my family suggests I do something funny, like pretend the wind is lifting me off the ground. Under normal circumstance — such as sitting on the couch, completely dry and nowhere near a pole — this would not have been a problem. But as we made our way through the school parking lot fighting the wind and rain, the third element of this Perfect Storm scenario developed.

“Honey, you should do that pole thing where you lift your legs up like it’s windy,” my wife suggested. “I’ll get a picture!”
“But it really IS windy,” I replied.”
“Exactly! It’ll look even funnier!”
Naturally, my response was what you’d expect from a 47-year-old man with limited health coverage.


After taking the above photo, we all had a good laugh. Then my loving wife suggested we take it up a notch. “Hey, let’s do a video of it!”

Keep in mind that my wife and son were both remaining warm and dry in the car during all this, and that I — along with the pole — were getting wetter by the minute. I, of course, took all of this into consideration before putting my foot down and answering with an unequivocal, “OKAY!”

The first take went pretty well…

With that take safely recorded, the smart thing to do would have been to get into the car and drive home. But then I asked myself, “Would Martin Scorsese quit with one take? Would Stanley Kubrick? Sure, NOW he would. But what about before he was dead?”

The second take didn’t go quite so well..


Thanks to the rain, things didn’t get much better…

Should the police ever decide to investigate what I’m sure were numerous reports of a man attempting to commit suicide by sliding down a pole face-first into the mud, I’ll be easy to find. That’s because, in addition to the lasting impression I made on those who witnessed this event, I’m pretty sure there’s also a good impression of my face at the bottom of that pole…



image(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, or Barnes & Noble.)

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Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

44 thoughts on “Caught On Tape! Why I’ll never be a pole dancer…”

      1. LOL — I get the idea that is true. Too bad, my first suggestion was to stand in front of the local Baptist church, on a Sunday morning, singing ‘Born This Way’ or ‘Like a Virgin’ through a bullhorn while wearing the infamous red thong.

  1. The best part is that with all the rain, your mud was probably so very soft…like gently pushing your face into a feather pillow…wait…maybe that was your wife’s plan all along? She’s trying to KILL YOU get out now….make a run for Mexico.

  2. You know, besides the fact that was very funny, it’s hard to not laugh because of the laughter. Years back the company I work for did a promotion “Life is Terrific “. One of the exercises was a ten second laugh. Just start laughing. It works. People join in and shortly that forced fake laugh turns real. And everyone thinks you’re crazy. That’s just a bonus.

No one is watching, I swear...

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