Men, our dreams of being ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ can continue in North Korea

Kim Jong Eun has banned Channing Tatum from North Korea, which is fine with me.

Kim Jong Eun has banned Channing Tatum from North Korea, which is fine with me.

Admittedly, I had begun to give up my dream of being named “Sexiest Man Alive” by anyone other than my incredibly supportive, beautiful and nearsighted wife.

But when George Clooney got the title a second time in 2006, I was inspired to continue my quest. Sure, the fact that he is ruggedly handsome, square-jawed and extremely fit were factors to consider — assuming you’re into those kinds of things — but he has a much more important quality, which is that he’s actually WAY older than me.

By a good five years.

Which is almost a decade, really.

So, given our conclusion that George Clooney is practically a Centenarian, I was feeling pretty good about my chances.

Even after being overlooked for Bradley Cooper, Ryan Reynolds, Johnny Depp, Hugh Jackman and Matt Damon, I remained optimistic that, at some point, I would outlive George Clooney and possibly win by default.

But this year, when Channing Tatum was crowned, I realized my dream was over. I can’t compete with that. Not without surgery. Or, at the very least, fish oil injections to loosen my hips. I also came to the realization that my Look, that ability to set your face into an expression causing intrigue in women and envy in men, had faded into something that was more effective in reminding my kids to scrape their plates after dinner.

In fact, the only thing I still had going for me is that I can still fit into the jeans I wore eight years ago. It doesn’t matter that the waist is so tight my spleen is temporarily relocated behind my ears. Or that the contents of my pockets look like they’ve been vacuum packed…

“Is that a 1964 penny?”
“Yeah.”
“How long until the impression on your leg goes away?”
“Depends. One time I had a Susan B. Anthony dollar that lasted a month.”
“I hear you. I’ve still got a bruise from my car key — see?”
“Plymouth Voyager?”
“Wow, you’re good.”

Given that a quarter of a billion Chinese people believed that North Korean dictator Kim Jong Eun was declared “Sexiest Man Alive” after a parody appeared in The Onion newspaper, I might still have a shot.

It doesn’t matter that it wasn’t true. It only matters that 250 million people saw the parody and thought to themselves:

WHAT?!? Well… okay.

This gives men like me hope that someday millions of people might be duped into mistaking us for being sexy.

This hope illustrates a fundamental difference between how men and women think.

Women, by their very nature, are theoretical thinkers. For example, just because fitting into the same jeans they wore in their early 30s is now like trying to stuff eight pounds of hamburger into an espresso cup, they believe, “theoretically,” those jeans no longer fit.

Men, on the other hand, think in terms of practicality, i.e., if we can “practically” button our jeans without losing all feeling in our legs, then they obviously still fit. It doesn’t matter that our mid section is hanging over our belt like an over proofed dinner roll.

What matters is that we are in our jeans, and therefore “practically” in the same physical shape we were during our early 30s. Assuming, of course, that we were shaped like an inverted milk jug.

That said, I am going to begin my campaign to be next year’s “Sexiest Man Alive.”

I will be starting in North Korea, just as soon as I get the feeling back in my legs.

(You can write to Ned Hickson at nhickson@thesiuslawnews.com, or visit his blog at www. nedhickson.wordpress.com)

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19 thoughts on “Men, our dreams of being ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ can continue in North Korea

  1. I’ll vote for you. I’ll start campaigning now 😉
    BTW, girls most definitely try to squeeze into their high school clothes! Only seams tend to rip in place that would get you a ticket for indecent exposure.

  2. “Assuming, of course, that we were shaped like an inverted milk jug.” I laughed my ass off at this line. A very practical blog post from a very practical man! 😀

  3. North Korea is a good place to start. Consider China as well, given that they first believed the story and then called their North Korean buddies to say, “You won! You won!” Countries without an April Fool’s day are destined to believe in all sorts of satire. Here in the U.S., we’re all so jaded – we rip to shreds the envelope that says, “You might just be a millionaire!” We get to laugh at people who declare the end is coming and we can ignore the hundreds of scams that come at us every day. It helps to be surrounded by fools like Trump and the cast of Jersey Shore.

  4. By the way, Bradley Cooper? What the hell? He’s not sexy! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those guys that has to be all Alpha Male and be like “I’m too much of a man to admit when another guy is sexy”, he’s just not. The cover of the magazine when Matt Damon was on there, ok, he’s a good looking guy. George Clooney – that’s a no brainer. Brad Pitt? I’m not even sure why he has to compete, but Bradley Cooper? C’mon! Who’s next? Zach Galifianakis? DJ Qualls? Lyle Lovette? Dude, If Cooper won, you have way better odds these days…

No one is watching, I swear...

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