That’s right! It’s time once again for our annual holiday feature: Gifts That Say Santa is Getting Senile.
As always, we spared no expense when it came to assembling a team of journalists with the talent necessary for this assignment. And, as always, we wasted those talents by spending our entire operating budget of $32 on lottery Scratch-Its. As a result, our plan to provide you with exciting Christmas gift ideas quickly deteriorated into this list of stupid products that, if given as gifts, will surely lead to more than one hospitalization this holiday.
Let us begin.
Are you a whiz in the kitchen? Do you have a knack for creating culinary masterpieces? These next two items were designed to turn an average meal into the kind of dining experience people will be talking about for years.
With their therapists.
We’ll begin with the amazing Octodog Slicer ($15.99), which can turn any ordinary hot dog into an octopus. Simply take your Octodog,insert a Frankfurter and….viola! (i.e., Wha-LA!) An eight-legged meat bi-product that your guests will stare at indefinitely. For added excitement, throw in a set of Wiener Dog Corn Holders ($6.99), which are just like regular corn holders, except that these look like the front and rear ends of a wiener dog sticking out of your corn cob.
Not into cooking? Well, this next item is something everyone can appreciate.
How many times have you said to yourself on a hot summer day: Man, what I wouldn’t give for a small, battery-operated fan that looks like it’s being carried by a Sumo wrestler…?
As it turns out, for only $14.99, you can have your very own Sumo Fan! This incredibly life-like figure looks just like the real thing. Except that he’s made of hard plastic, stands less than six inches tall and, for some unknown reason, is holding a giant fan.
The point is, I warned you these gift ideas were really stupid.
Next, we have the gift that says: Honey, I think our love took a wrong turn. Ear Lobe Directional Signals ($6.99) Light and easy to use, these battery-operated signals attach to any set of standard ear lobes and, with the flip of a switch, can immediately warn others that you are extremely weird. This is particularly useful at the supermarket during the holidays, when lines are long, isles are full, and nervous store managers — upon seeing your flashing ear lobes — will do anything to get you out of their supermarket as quickly as possible.
If that still doesn’t get you your own express lane, add a Disco Ball Mouth Piece ($5.99) to your ensemble. This rubber mouth piece flashes changing patterns that can be seen up to 30 feet away every time you bite down — even if it happens to be on the end of a night stick.
Do you know someone who loves to hike but who, unfortunately, also has an inexplicable desire to play golf? Give them a set of Camouflage Golf Balls (3 for $10.99) and set both worlds on a collision course of fun! Imagine the hours of enjoyment they’ll have (depending on their slice) hiking through the woods looking for a nearly-invisible golf ball. And even if they keep the ball on the fairway, once it leaves the tee it’s as good as gone anyway because its camouflaged!
Where did it go?
Only the groundskeeper and his lawn mower will know for sure.
This brings the only item on the list I’d actually consider buying: Bacon Strip Wrapping Paper ($4.99 per roll). That’s right. Gift wrapping paper covered in bacon strips. I don’t believe any further explanation is necessary.
This next item is the perfect gift for that special someone who should really see a psychiatrist but can’t afford one: Sigmund Freud action figure ($5.99) It’s the gift that says how much you care, but that you’re really tired of listening to their whining.
Our next gift solves what has been an age-old problem for men, which is that many of us LIKE a good daiquiri but see them as a “woman’s drink.” For this reason, there is the Gas-Powered Blender ($229.99) Any man will feel rugged making a daiquiri in the bowl of his 25cc gas-powered blender. With just a yank of the start cord, you can grab onto the handle barsand use the throttle to shift from blend to frappe — all while leaving absolutely no question (particularly in the eyes of women) that you are, indeed, a total man.
And while we’re on the subject of gifts for men, how about a Glow-in-the-Dark Toilet Seat ($21.99) or pair of Mop Slippers ($6.99)? While the toilet seat is pretty self explanatory, the slippers, I should clarify, have mop-like fringe on the bottom so that you can clean up messes with your feet. (Wives: The toilet seat and slippers aren’t sold as a set, but, depending on your husband’s aim, you might want to consider it.)
Next on our list is a gift for that special someone who’s always wanted a complete set of hardwood furniture but couldn’t afford it. Well, now you can make their dream come true with the Grow Your Own Furniture Kit ($2.95), which includes:
One walnut seed.
But from that seed you can grow a tree with enough wood for: 1 chest of drawers, 1 dining room table, 2 nightstands, 6 chairs, 1 rocker, 1 foot stool — and 82 toothpicks (Note: Actual number of tooth picks may vary.)
And finally, we have the ultimate stupid gifts:
Walking Sushi ($2.99)
Frighteningly, it’s exactly what it sounds like: A plastic wind-up toy that looks like sushi and walks across the table. This is the perfect compliment toyet another gift direct from the orient, the Pocket Zen Garden ($4.99). Just like the popular zen gardens of Japan, where people (and some cats) find tranquility by placing objects in areas of sand, this version is exactly like those.
Except really, really small.
However, it does come with real sand, some colored stones, and a really tiny wooden rake — which, I should mention, happens to be just the right size for…
You guessed it!
Your Sigmund Freud Action Figure!
There you have it. This year’s list of potential relationship-ending holiday gift ideas.
Use it in good health.
Or, at the very least, not without a good health plan.
(You can write to Ned Hickson at firstname.lastname@example.org, or at the Siuslaw News at P.O. Box 10, Florence, Or. 97439)