The bigger your lips, the sexier you’ll be when dating a sucker fish

fishlippies copy Nothing says “sexy” faster than someone with a pair of giant lips, even if that person’s collagen injections have made their lips so enormously seductive that they can’t actually pronounce the word “sexy,” and must instead settle for calling themselves “shek-shee.”

The point is, big lips are no longer just a cosmetic enhancement for people less fortunate than Mick Jagger and Angelina Jolie, whose lips are so large and incredibly sexy that they are prohibited by international law from bearing children together because, quote: “Said children could potentially upset the delicate balance between populations of humans and sucker fish.”

Though we all know that true beauty stems from inside, as any cosmetics surgeon will tell you, no one will notice unless your lips are the size of tractor tires. Which is why a new product called City Lips is being heralded as the newest, easiest and safest way to give you the lips you always wanted, but never dreamed you could have. At least not without surgically implanting tire stems in them and inflating your lips to 350 psi. Until now, those of us unable to afford expensive collagen injections were forced to live with the embarrassment of having normal, everyday lips. But thanks to City Lips, you can avoid the hassle and expense of collagen injections by using their patented do-it-yourself lip enlargement process!

That’s right! Say goodbye to snobby surgeons telling you how much better you’d look with Julia Roberts’ lips when their own lips look like Phyllis Diller’s. With each purchase of City Lips you’ll receive one bottle of specially formulated “lip transformer” solution and a patented dual-action applicator. This applicator is a crucial part of City Lips’ groundbreaking, two-step process — which starts by applying the “lip transformer” with one side of the patented applicator and then, after turning the applicator over, whacking your lips with it as many times as possible for 10 minutes.

Okay, I made that last part up. But according to City Lips, their new product has been named “Best Over-the-Counter Lip Plumper” by Good Housekeeping, which, as you know, recently debunked the common misconception that you could increase the size of your lips by spraying them with Pledge (although it will keep them shiny and smelling lemony fresh).

I’d also like to point out that after three large margaritas, trying to say “Best Over-the-Counter Lip Plumper” will at least make your feel like your lips are really huge.

I bring this up because I’m concerned about the mixed message this sends to young women. On one hand, they’re seeing supermodels getting thinner and thinner. On the other hand, they’re seeing those same models trip over their own lips on the runway, with nothing to break their fall except for other stumbling models, who then land in a flailing heap of inflated lips and silicone.

No more. It’s time to quit pouting, pucker up, and accept each other’s lips just the way they are.

Unless pouting makes your lips look fuller, of course.

(You can write to Ned Hickson at nhickson@thesiuslawnews.com, or at the Siuslaw News at P.O. Box 10, Florence, OR. 97439)

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49 thoughts on “The bigger your lips, the sexier you’ll be when dating a sucker fish

  1. I’m gonna pass on “City Lips.” Not particularly interested in the sucker fish lip trend. Plus, I’ve actually tried a lip plumper at Sephora once and it was so potent. My lips felt like they were stung by a bunch of bees!

  2. OMG, you’ve taken all my totally incoherent thoughts on the subject of Big, Fat SuckerFish Lips and actually made them make sense, AND made them hilarious, as well. I need you to rummage around in my head more often. I have other thoughts in there that ought to be made equally funny, like who was the sorry, sadistic designer who decided under-arm flab was a fashion accessory? And thus made it so I can no longer find a shirt with sleeves more than two inches in length? Remember that school teacher with the arms that flapped like batwings while she was writing on the blackboard? Now ALL us more substantial types look like that… all the time! See. You could do something wonderful with that issue, I’ll bet. But probably not funnier than Sucker Fish Lips so maybe I should just say, “Thanks for the great laugh,” and go away quietly now.

  3. Haha, I find this hilaaarious. I used to get teased because of my large lips and they were definitely my biggest insecurity at one point. I saw a product on some talk show, you attach it to your lips and it supposedly sucks your lips so that they become inflated, but it’s only temporary..and from the looks of it it must hurt a lot!! Don’t know why anyone would do that but…ya. Lol, that’s how the world works nowadays.

    • See? You were just ahead of the curve! Now you’re the envy of all those flat-lipped women (and some men). As for the machine you’re talking about, I remember seeing it too, and thinking: “When I was a kid, I used to do the same thing by putting the vacuum nozzle on my lips.” If I’d been industrious, I would’ve gone door-to-door with our Hoover and offered a limp-plumping service. Who knows, maybe I still can? 😉

      • This just gets funnier and funnier. I’m secretly hoping a salesman (of any kind) will come to my door and offer to plump my lips! And Tasneem, there is a big difference in having naturally full lips, and in lips that have been augmented to the point of absurdity. If that’s your picture with your post, you have nothing to feel insecure about. Ned’s right…you were ahead of the curve, and you didn’t even need the handy dandy Lip Sucking Vacuum Attachment to get there. Jolie, on the other hand, started with full lips and then some years back, blew them up even larger, to roughly the size of a small blimp.

            • Haha! My daughter sometimes gets self conscious about her looks (sadly, she gets them from me), and there have been times when I think a compliment from a non-creepy stranger would give her an ego boost — especially since she wears her looks much better than I do 😉 Of course, I have 30 years on her, so I have an excuse.

              • I’m picturing you shaved, with lipstick and maybe a less…severe…”do,” and I’m pretty sure your daughter will be fine. She has you to teach her to be a self-confident and happy young woman, and how to laugh at the vagaries of life. (Not to be confused with the vagrants of life. Though some of them make me laugh, as well.) Just give her plenty of love, and she will be fine. I’d offer to give her an unsolicited compliment, myself, but getting complimented by someone’s ELSE’S Granny would likely rule out your “non-creepy” qualifier.

                Off to work on something that PAYS, now. This has been a genuinely amusing diversion, but amusing diversions don’t feed the bulldog, as they say. At least not often. I’ll be back soon, I know. Thanks again for the fun. In the famous words of Dudley Moore, as “Arthur,” isn’t fun just the BEST thing to have?

    • oh please help me stop laughing… I will never get to sleep… the endorphin’s from laughing… abs hurting here…
      Ned you create the funniest blogs… thank you… we look for things to laugh at every day… I had someone tell me today “well you get to wake up every morning now wondering “is this the day i meet my next husband?””
      I’m sorry but that’s not a good thought!!! If you do… maybe not so bad… but if you don’t it could be really bad… or the husband is another capital L….
      either way it could make you depressed… esp at the end of the day… whatever… can you make that one funny???

      ok… so now i’m really laughing today and i thank you all for that~~~

      • I can honestly say I have never awakened and wondered if this would be the day I’ll meet my husband 😉 However, I feel privileged knowing I can try to give you a laugh or to until you find yours.

  4. i have big lips…but they are balanced by big eyes, big boobs and a big ass…no one noticed my lips until i started to get older and the other parts started showing signs of wear, reflective of my age. since i’ve had the lips my whole life, i find it exceptionally interesting. one of my sons has my lips and he gets comments on them. he dies of embarrassment because he is 6’5, 17, green eyes and has Jagger lips he blames me for giving to him on purpose, like bucolic plague or something. one day he will thank me…or his future wife will.

    • There’s definitely a difference between full, shapely lips and something that looks like a balloon animal. And if you have the hardware (software?) to go with it, there’s no reason to hide it. And I agree: undoubtedly, your son (and his wife) will appreciate the “plague” you passed on to him.

  5. So, the main points I took from your (insert air quotes here) “article” were as follows:

    1. Something about tractor tires.
    2. Lip Transformer is most likely a Decepticon.
    3. Ned reads Good Housekeeping.

    So now, for the sake of clarification, I have a very important question: What, exactly, constitutes “large”? Um, where margaritas are concerned, I mean…

  6. This is hilarious. I was recently looking though before and after pictures of celebrities. They really ruined their faces with their awful surgeries…

    • I agree. I’ve never looked at one of those and thought, “Wow, they look so much better now. ” It’s usually more along the lines of “Seriously?!? Now they look like they belong in a wax museum!”

  7. Awesome post, you read my mind. While I’m a huge one for plastic surgery maintenance (yeah, I’ve had food poisoning injected into my face), I always found that people with collagen lips look like that blond girl musician muppet from the Muppet Show.

  8. Very funny Ned. I completely fell for the “Hit your lips with the reverse side of the applicator” bit until you owned up to it being a fib. Liked the punchline too. Did that “Very funny Ned” at the beginning come across as sarcasm? Sorry if it did. It’s difficult not to sound sarcastic when you’re English, even if you’re just typing and not actually speaking. Keep up the good work fella! Mike

    • No worries, Mike. I read your stuff with an English accent in my head, so I got the gist 😉 Thanks for the kind words, and I always look forward to reading your stuff. Bastard — oops, did that sound sarcastic? 🙂 Seriously, love your stuff. Cheers, my friend.

  9. Just another thanks for getting me laughing. I have been very much enjoying your followers. They are quite amusing, too! I always wanted bigger lips but I figure each of us has something we wished we could change…

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