It used to be that when the IRS discovered you’ve been claiming a child who is actually a 50-pound Labrador retriever named “Billy,” everyone would have a good laugh. Not any more. The Treasury Department says it will be cracking down on “aggressive tax deductions” filed by U.S. taxpayers in order to keep the federal government from being bilked out of hundreds of millions of dollars — money that could otherwise be spent on important federal programs, such as the Government Shutdown Caribbean Getaway Fund.
As a service to our readers, several of whom are actual U.S. taxpayers, we thought we’d contact some of the brightest minds in tax law in order to clarify what we can still get away with. Unfortunately, everyone was too busy working on the Osbourne family’s latest tax returns to help us so, as responsible members of the news media, we were left with only one option:
Forget taxes and talk about The Bachelor!
Just kidding. We rolled up our sleeves. Got on the Internet. Made phone calls. And eventually came up with some real-life tax claims you should NOT make unless you want to end up in jail, or worse, on the computer screen of a humor columnist trying to meet a deadline.
Our first example comes from Raleigh, N.C., where a man with an unsuccessful furniture-store business did what any enterprising owner would do: hire an arsonist to burn it down.
After determining the fire was indeed the result of a three-piece sectional explosion which then spread to a spare gas can kept near the curtains display, the insurance company paid the man $500,000. He then dutifully reported the amount on his tax return, which also included deductions for the loss of the building, its contents, as well as a “consulting fee” of $10,000 paid to the arsonist. It’s unclear whether the man actually used the term “arson consultant” on his return. The point is, if you’re going to burn down your business for the insurance money, don’t be stupid:
Do it in North Carolina.
Our next example involves an ostrich farmer from Louisiana, where apparently, without our knowledge, the state motto has been changed to:
We raise ostriches that could step on your state bird.
In this case, the farmer filed a claim for the depreciation of his ostrich which, as it turns out, it’s perfectly legal! In fact, you can claim the depreciation of any animal used for breeding.
However, it doesn’t mean that if “Buster” gets out and fraternizes with the neighbor’s cocker spaniel that you can claim him as a deduction.
Even if “Buster” happens to be an ostrich.
So what does all this mean to you and me, the average U.S. taxpayers? It means that if we want to claim ourselves as a tax deduction, we need to begin breeding immediately.
No. What it really means is that with tax day upon us, you only have a few weeks left to get “Billy” a social security card if you want to claim him on your taxes. And if you begin to suspect that the IRS is catching on, do what one Wyoming CPA told his client to do, and simply mark “Billy” as “deceased” on your next tax return. If they want to know what happened, just tell them the details are still sketchy.
All you know is that it involved a freak sofa explosion somewhere in North Carolina.
(You can write to Ned Hickson at email@example.com, or at the Siuslaw News at P.O. Box 10, Florence, Ore. 97439)
27 thoughts on “Don’t worry: tougher tax laws still let you depreciate your ostrich”
Love the consulting fee!! Awesome writing once again, Ned. I really do love your writing. Will your G-spot be available tomorrow? 😉
Thanks, Susan! And yep, every Friday like clockwork! Must be an approaching-middle-age thing 😉
At least you’re still regular! 😀
LOL! Yeah, I’ve still got that going for me 🙂
God, you make me laugh! I saw a news report a while back that civil minded citizens reported cases of tax fraud to the IRS. Of course, the IRS took immediate action..they shredded the reports! Love live the IRS!
It’s just a guess, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there was an ostrich involved.
there is no way the government is going to tell me that ivan is not my son!
That’s RIGHT! You just gotta BELIEVE. And KEEP BELIEVING until they are convinced you are not mentally competent enough to stand trial. Easy peasy 😉
Great – what a fabulous way to start my day!
Thank you, Lynette! Good luck with your taxes 🙂 If you have any questions, you know who to ask. And if you could share with me who that is, I’d appreciate it.
man, i wish i had known about this when i had my pet cat Bill the Cat 😀
Just because “Bill” isn’t around anymore doesn’t mean you can’t claim him. If the IRS shows up, tell them he ran away but still calls for money.
this is timely, fabulous news and you have done a crackerjack job of reporting, as i was just wondering if my ostrich could be deducted, he looks quite road weary, and i’m sure is suffering from some depreciation of some sort or other.
Always glad when I can write something people can use. I mean, other than in the bottom of their ostrich cage. Speaking of which, I would definitely go with the depreciated approach to claiming your ostrich. If that doesn’t work, try unappreciated.
Us Louisianians and our big ass breeding birds. I swear, if I had a quarter for every time…
I’ve heard that about you folks. But then again, have you ever tried to ride a parakeet? At least your birds are useful.
Maybe that stray I fed a couple of weeks ago will return. I’m thinking I could claim “Mimi” as a deduction. She did cost me a couple of slices of organic deli meat.
As long as the deli meat wasn’t ostrich, you should definitely claim it. By the pound or slice is up to you, depending on whether you are going with the “standard” or “itemized” deduction.
Can I claim my dog’s health insurance? I live in Florida, and can only imagine the kind of loop holes there must be when filing.
Sorry it took me so long to respond. I had to find the Florida tax law. Yes, you can claim your dog’s health insurance, but only if it is female, and THEN, only if it has mated with an ostrich from Louisiana.
Darn! How about if he no longer has his manhood attached and has correspondence with a single female ostrich at the zoo?? Any lee way?
Sounds like he’s divorced and using a dating service. I’d definitely go with it. If the IRS disagrees, just have him lower his ears and play the sympathy card. I’m sure you’ll be fine 😉
And we thought WE lived in a fairytale world. Sheesh.
If our two worlds collided, there would be catastrophic fallout… Or at least a really loud bump.
If only I had the nerve to claim my own “Billy”. I wonder, can I claim my husband’s depreciation? Or my own rapidly declining fertility?
I believe you can claim both. However, keep in mind what that would entail should you be audited…