My review of a ‘Twilight’ book that doesn’t actually exist

Eclipsed Sunset cover So let’s say you’re a HUGE Twilight fan. And let’s further say you’re looking for a good book for summer when suddenly, and without warning… BAM! you stumble across a review about the new Twilight book YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WAS BEING RELEASED?!? How could this HAPPEN?!? Who is RESPONSIBLE?! Why was there nothing in my Twilight Fan Club email?!

That was the catalyst for my “review” of Eclipsed Sunset, the latest book in the Twilight series which, as it so happens, doesn’t actually exist. My friend Sara, who is the editor and a contributor at Gliterary Girl, posted it this morning at 8 a.m. London time.

Didn’t you hear the screaming?

Unlike this post, there was no such introduction.

This could be fun…

Twilight: Eclipsed Sunset

Review By Ned Hickson

Rating: 4 out of 5 moons
Genre: Romantic teen anxiety horror
Format: Hardcover, e-Book, audio book, comic book, cook book and Japanese Kabuchi dancing.
Release Date: Pending
Recommended Reading: Age 10 + (16+ in Arkansas with picture book)
Spoilers: Yes, but only if you read the book after this review.

The Gist: Eclipsed Sunset is the eagerly anticipated next chapter in the highly successful Twilight series, which spawned 116 million copies in 38 languages, five major motion pictures, two companion books, a children’s educational book (Why Werewolves Give Each Other Piggyback Rides), and a world-wide shortage of black eyeliner.

Originally titled Midnight Sun and renamed Eclipsed Sunset, the initial draft — which was a re-telling of the original Twilight book from “Edward’s” point of view — was abandoned following the unauthorized release of several chapters which, according to the book’s publishers, “revealed critical plot points” to the eight people who didn’t read it the first time.

Eclipsed Sunset takes a completely new direction from the previous books, leaping ahead one year to when Renesmee, Bella and Edward’s half-human, half-vampire daughter, begins terrorizing the coven, threatening the Volturi, obsessing over boy bands and backtalking her parents as a result of her highly accelerated pubescent hormones.

Eclipsed Sunset is a cautionary tale, set against the mythical backdrop of Twilight, that explores how the qualities that make Renesmee human are “eclipsed” by her supernatural and often irrational need to get snippy with her parents.

Synopsis:
A year after the climactic confrontation with the Volturi, during which the 150-year-old vampire-human “Nahuel” demonstrates that crossbreeds pose no threat to any vampire covens, Renesmee’s fast-paced growth rate slows at age 15.

However, because Renesmee is the first female human-vampire, and knowing the Volturi have taken a special interest in their daughter, Edward and Bella undertake special precautions by tracking her whereabouts through her smartphone; setting a daytime curfew; monitoring her Facebook activity; and implementing parental controls on her Netflix account. This enrages the highly volatile Renesmee, who finds herself driven into the arms of a new character, a 100-year-old sexually frustrated teenage zombie named Richard Deadwood.

Naturally, Jacob Black the werewolf, whose “imprint” on Renesmee as a baby makes him fiercely protective, takes an instant dislike to the undead Richard, who routinely fuels the hatred by removing body parts and tossing them for Jacob to fetch.

This sets up a fiery triangle that draws the attention of the Volturi, who threaten to return to the small town of Forks and unleash another deadly premonition battle that never really happens.

Fearful for her family and herself, Renesmee runs away from Forks, prompting Jacob and Richard to put aside their differences and find her before it’s too late, and there’s the need for a sequel.

The Lowdown:
What makes this book work so well is the believability of its characters. Throughout the first four books I have to admit, while they were entertaining, I found Bella’s father, “Ned,” “Charlie” the only accurately depicted character.

However, as a father with daughters ages 12 and 18, I was drawn into Eclipsed Sunset because of the well-crafted believability of Renesmee.

In one scene, for example, Edward asks Renesmee to “tidy her room before going out to feed,” and, because of her super strength, “the splintering of old-growth mahogany thundered through the house as Renesmee, in her anger, destroyed each step as she stomped up the staircase to her room.”

Chills.

And while I initially scoffed at the introduction of the new character Richard Deadwood because I felt the book was pandering to the current zombie craze, I quickly realized his anxiety about his [spoiler alert!] dropping off was really an attempt to explore the loss of manhood many men feel when they are subjected to the relentless sight of Jacob’s torso.

That’s what I’ve been told, anyway.

Bottom line?

I found Eclipsed Sunset an enjoyable, well-written read that not only entertains, but begs the question:

If my daughter were a vampire…

Wait, IS she?!?

(You can write to Ned at nhickson@thesiuslawnews.com, or at Siuslaw News, P.O. Box 10, Florence, Ore 97439)

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25 thoughts on “My review of a ‘Twilight’ book that doesn’t actually exist

  1. LOL @ a children’s educational book (Why Werewolves Give Each Other Piggyback Rides)!! I absolutely must read this book that’s never been written. I might learn something I may never need to know.

  2. Ned, Ned, Ned. You are an EVIL man! (I love it!) Thankfully, I had the foresight to leave the cup of Earl Grey in the kitchen this time, thus saving myself yet another trip to Best Buy for a new keyboard. (I’m keeping track, you know.) The line about another premonition battle that never really happens is priceless! Okay, the whole thing is priceless, but I didn’t want to make you even harder to live with! (I’m thinking of your wife, here!)

    I love the cover, too. Sheer perfection! Thanks for my Thor’s Day laugh. Well done.

    • Thanks so much, Marcia! 🙂 I had a blast putting it together. It’s funny: Both my daughters read it, and both thought my “Renesmee” references were inspired by the “other” daughter! Both are obviously in major denial 😉

  3. hmm.. got me an idea for doing a review of a book that does exist, just a different version of it.. The Reader’s Digest Abridged Version of The Kama Sutra.. it leaves out parts of the description on some; and combines descriptions on others.. it is still in the planning stage, so stay tuned 😉
    have a good one!

  4. Ned,
    Great post for your fake book, but as the dutiful husband forced to watch all the Twilight movies I must disagree with you about the believability of Charlie as an effective father figure. Anyone willing to allow their underage daughter to run off with the brooding and exceptionally rich popular kid in school at the expense of her future college career is a horrible parent. The fact that Edward frequently refers to her as ‘his heroin’ only solidifies this further under the prospect they will both be freebasing off of each others love and other illicit substances in a life of uneducated marital bliss. Everyone knows a father’s job is to ensure their daughter forgoes a life of ignorant wedded bliss in favor of a well educated life of single independence in the real world as a doctor or lawyer who knows better than to marry an undead vampire who compares them to heroin.

    • LOL! “Heroin!” You’re right! That should definitely been a red flag to Charlie that there’s either illicit drugs involved, or that Bella is constantly having to protect Edward. Or both. And either of which would motivate me to boot him off the front porch.

  5. God, Ned. I can’t stand how much I love your posts. It’s annoying, really. It’s like…there’s your email in my inbox, and it pisses me off because I know it’s going to be awesome. I know that it’s going to take me away from whatever I have going on, because it’s going to be funny, and clever, and make me simultaneously want to hug you and punch you in the face out of sheer envy.

    Ha. “Deadwood.”

    • Wow, Marla — That’s possibly the most frightening and wonderfully worded compliment I’ve ever had! Just promise me, if we ever meet, you won’t punch me in the inbox. Truly, though — thank you 😉

  6. If being “snippy” and nearly busting the stairs while stomping up them on her way to do some hated, yet necessary — as defined by her mother — task, such as, removing the old peanut butter jars from under the bed (as they are beginning to draw flies) is the only criteria for suspecting that your teenager is half-vampire/half-human, then I have to wonder if my daughter’s lack of enthusiasm for garlic and rising before sunset are truly just symptoms of a normal adolescence or whether my husband is, as I have long suspected, a member of the undead.

  7. Oh, I’m embarrassed to admit that I’ve never seen or read any of the Twilight books/films. Vampires just aren’t my thing. But, I did hear that ‘Bella’ cheated on ‘Jacob’ in real life and that may not bode well for a sequel. Even if they do shoot another Twilight film together, I’m guessing the tension will be so thick in the room they’ll be able to cut it with a knife.

  8. Ned on Tues. or Wed. I nominated you on my list of bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award. I don’t expect you to follow the rules given in the post, (whatsinthebox nominated me and I valiantly tried to answer her wild, sex questions! Check it out, you are on my list!

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