It’s been almost three months since I began guest posting weekly writing advice at Gliterary Girl and, as I’m sure you can imagine, my email account has been flooded with questions and feedback.
In fact, we’re going to imagine some right now…
[Insert gauzy dream sequence of Ned, sitting at his computer, thoughtfully scanning through the hundreds of emails he receives each day for male enhancement products…]
From:
Bill Schlependorf, attorney
Hollywood, Calif.
Dear Mr. Nixon,
It was brought to my attention that members of the Kardashian family have been referenced without their consent on several (6) occasions in your articles about writing.
This has become a source of extreme mental anguish for certain family members, who aren’t used to hash tagging large words in their Tweets. Therefore, as their lawyer, I am hereby ordering you to immediately “cease and desist” referencing members of the Kardashian family in connection with any word larger than “booty.”
Also, Mr. Jenner has asked me to clarify that he has never received a full-body wax, nor would he ever receive one, while sober.
Lastly, in a separate but related subject, I am representing a class action lawsuit against you on behalf of the victims who read your article, and who continue to be traumatized by the image of Bruce Jenner receiving a full-body wax.
From:
Biff Rogaine, editor
Rhode Island Register
Thank you for querrying us regarding your humor column. Currently, every humor columnist on Rhode Island is named Ned Hickson.
What a coincidence, isn’t it?
Because, apparently, there’s a rumor going around that every editor on this island is named Biff Rogaine!
The next time you decide to querry every editor in the state, make sure you change the name on your template, IDIOT!
In answer to your query; yes, we would like to carry your column. Just send it to…
Oh hell, you know the name.
From:
S. Meyers, novelist
Forks, Wash.
I recently read your review of a book that doesn’t exist, Sunset Eclipse, which is the latest book I haven’t written in the Twilight series.
My question is this: Would you consider doing a movie review for The Host, which I wish had never been made and apparently no one wants to see?
Oh, and speaking of things no one wants to see, I haven’t been able to close my eyes thanks to that image of Bruce Jenner getting a full boy wax. My lawyer, Bill Schelpendorf, will be contacting you regarding a class action lawsuit.
From:
Richard Deadwood, zombie
ED sufferer
“Sunset Eclipse”
You know, being a horny teenaged zombie suffering from erectile dysfunction is already a nightmare! Thanks for making it worse! Even if I got things working again, your mention of Bruce Jenner’s full body wax has ruined EVERYTHING!
I am suing you. Unless I get the chance to bite you first.
From:
Ima Kranky, features editor
Putziler Prize Committee
Dear Neal Hickerson:
Congratulations!
Your incorrect spelling of the word “Chihuahua,” which you spelled “Cheewawa,” has earned you a spot as a finalist in our esteemed Putlizer Prize category for “Most Consistent Use of Spelling Errors in 2013.”
This is your 15th consecutive nomination! Winners will be announced Aug. 16, at a special ceremony held in an glamorous Hollywood (Video) location, with guest host, Bruce Jenner!
From:
Betty Freemont, writer
Louisville, Ky.
In your column “Learn to Distill Ideas Like a Moonshiner,” you recommended keeping a folder with ideas that can “ferment like corn mash until you are ready to distill them.”
Yesterday, while I was at work, my Idea Folder spontaneously combusted, destroying my apartment.
My lawyer, Bill Schlependorf, will be contacting you regarding this and a class action lawsuit connected with another of your irresponsible advice columns.
By the way, I am a HUGE Twilight fan and have looked everywhere for Sunset Eclipse. No one seems to have heard of it! Mr. Schlependorf feels it has caused me mental anguish.
Just so you know.
So… keep those emails and registered letters coming!
As you can see, my personal email and Gliterary Girl forum are always open for your comments, questions or suggestions.
Especially if you know the name of a good lawyer.
As long as his name isn’t Bill Schlependorf.
Next week: How to enjoy your first intimate (publishing) experience.
Ned's Blog 
Oh, crap, I’m falling in love with you. My husband knows it and doesn’t seem to mind, as he totally gets what a sucker for words-cagily-strung-together-in-funny-ways I am. Please do everything in your power to insure that we never meet face-to-face, as I know my crazy infatuation would go unrequited. I’ve had quite enough disappointments in my life, thank you very much.
P.S. Keep writing. Please.
Oh Judy, if it were another place, another time, and if I had a better financial portfolio, things might’ve turned out differently for us… 😉
You nailed it, kiddo. I’d like to say it’ll never be about the money … but it’s about the money. And yet … and yet … your profound insight in picking up on that has captured my heart once again … sigh …
Liking you all the way from San Diego. Will like you even more (often) when I get home next week. (After the eye bleach wears off. Oh, the visual horrors you have seared into my brain!)
LOL! Thanks, Martha. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? Or is that fodder.. 😉
Yikes.. MARTHA?! Wow, it’s been longer than I thought! LOL! I really dislike auto-correct… 😉
Mr. Hickson,
My name is Terra Izer, attorney for William T. Schlependorf and I’ve been hired to demand cease and desist from mention of his name in your column, blog, etc. Mr. Schlependorf suffers from mental anguish and public badgering, specifically taunts of “LEAVE NED HICKSON ALONE”. These random taunts to Mr. Schlependorf has caused him much grief …
Ok … we both know it is just me and for your safety, I Googled “Bill Schlependorf” to make sure that we won’t be seeing a letter like that anytime in your near or distant future. I also Googled “Terra Izer” to insure MY safety and luckily it just came up with a brand of tires and not some 200+ lb. female WWE Champion wrestler!
Just looking out for your backside … because that is what I like to do and I like to think I do that pretty well, if I do say so myself! 😉
Great feature today!
❤ Me
To: Mrs Ned
From: The Feve
Re: YOU
You. Are. AWESOME! 😀
Love this!
I know, Right?! Easy to understand why I’m so crazy about her, isn’t it 🙂
😀
Hahahaha! I can’t think of ANYONE who I’d rather have watching my backside 😉 And as I’m sure you’ve noticed, watching your backside is one of my highest priorities xoxoxo
When you do get a lawyer you should brief him on the missing boy who was delivering coffee 🙂 lol. Happy Friday and thank you for the laughs today!
LOL! Thank YOU for the laughs 🙂
😉 haha, you’re welcome!
Pretty funny! 🙂
oh my god, hahahaha, thank you for such an amazing post. I am sitting in café right now and the way I am laughing at this screen is making them consider calling a hospital. better run for home.
you keep rocking in the meanwhile! 🙂
You’re welcome — but be careful running with that coffee!
HAHAHAHA I sure will be! 😀