Mother’s Day cards have no rhymes for ‘episiotomy’

imageSoon, it will be Mother’s Day. For many of you, it means sending a flowery card that says all the wonderful things you’d say if only you had a thesaurus and someone from Hallmark breathing down your neck. The truth is, the meaning of Mother’s Day has been lost over the years thanks to stupid greeting cards filled with heartfelt phrases like:

If your love was an ocean, you would’ve drowned me as a child.
When I think of love, I think of you. Because of this, you have no grandchildren.
With every smile, I remember a special moment that will never ever be forgotten — Happy belated Mother’s Day!

The true meaning of Mother’s Day, as any mother will tell you, has absolutely nothing to do with flowery cards or fond memories — and everything to do with sacrifice.

That’s right. You want to let Mom know you really care? Forget about comparing her to “a beautiful rose laden with thorns of caring,” and remember all the stuff she endured for you even before you HAD a memory. If you’re not sure where to begin, I have two words for you:

Breast Pump.

True, not every mother utilized this torture device, but the mere thought that she could have is reason enough to be grateful. If you don’t believe me, go right now to the nearest full-service car wash, attach an industrial car vacuum nozzle to one of your mammilla, push the “on” button, and keep it there until your chest resembles a deflated balloon animal.

Then switch sides.

Repeat this process three times a day for at least six months, WITHOUT the aid of alcohol.

And remember that breast pumping came after nine months of losing control over most of her bodily functions, including — but not limited to — food cravings. These cravings came as a direct result of YOUR needs inside the womb, even though, in many cases, those needs could gag a contestant on Dumpster Diver.

But she did it anyway, in spite of the fact that as you were developing and shaping, so was she: Developing swollen feet the size of couch cushions, and taking the shape of a giant Weeble capable of destroying Tokyo. Keep in mind that during this process, she was still merrily preparing for your arrival by hanging borders, assembling mobiles, making trips to the doctor, all while visiting the bathroom once every three minutes.

Then finally, to show your appreciation upon arriving into the world, you treat her to an episiotomy.

Chances are, you won’t find any of this in a greeting card. Mainly because there are very few phrases that rhyme with “episiotomy.” Although “The things you taught-a me since your episiotomy” has potential.

That’s why I’m mentioning it here, so that hopefully, someone, somewhere, will read this and offer me a job at Hallmark.

Okay, that’s only part of the reason.

The main reason is to say “Thank You” to all you wonderful mothers out there, especially those who are celebrating their very first Mother’s Day this year.

You know who you are.

And if you don’t, try turning down that breast pump a notch or two.

(Write to Ned at, or at Siuslaw News, P.O.Box 10, Florence, Ore. 97439)

Published by

Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

110 thoughts on “Mother’s Day cards have no rhymes for ‘episiotomy’”

  1. Thank you very much for those special reminders of the (four) times I gave birth. Now, if you don’t mind, I’ll go get ready for Mother’s Day by giving myself some paper cuts and pouring lemon juice over them…

  2. I sent a link to this post to my daughter, a new mother who is very familiar with breast pumps, having recently acquired a DOUBLE one that puts commercial dairy milking machines to shame! *snort* No more hand pumping with devices that look like old fashioned bicycle horns! It’s all high tech these days.

    Now as for your future with Hallmark…Ned, Ned, Ned. I have but six words for you: Don’t give up your day job.


      1. Well, at least honking was an option. Today, you have to pull the plug!

        BTW, I’ve come to the conclusion that the people who read your blog are pretty nearly as crazy as you are…including me.

    1. Hmmm. Some definite potential there…

      Your birth took a lot out’ta me
      due to the episiotomy and lobotomy
      But thanks anyway for the card you bought’a me

            1. Better yet, maybe put her wine in a Camel Bag. That way she can carry it around while, at the same time, adding that all-important center of gravity we need as we get older 😉

        1. So true. At the same time, I like to think that for every good man, there’s a mother who has been treated with respect and appreciation. Or at the very least an abusive husband who got his rear handed to him by a protective son. Speaking from experience…

      1. Just to clarify, are you talking about a digital rectal exam or a colonoscopy? I need to know what we’re comparing here 😉

  3. Ned, I took it as a personal challenge to find a rhyme for episiotomy….and a topical card phrase…

    Dear Mom,

    It took your episiotomy
    To make a tot o’ me.

    Happy Mother’s Day.

  4. It looks like Sally just stole your opportunity to work for Hallmark. I stand and applaud her contribution. I would suggest that my children steal Sally’s phrase (episiotomy and tot o’me — classic creativity) for their own cards to my wife, but I’m torn.

    I have a breast pump story. No, it’s not about my trying to contribute by turning the pump on myself. It’s about my ‘frugal’ mother in law, who suggested that we boil the breast pump components and reuse them, after our terrier had consumed those components and pooped them out whole. Heartwarming, eh?

    1. Yeah, Hallmark already revoked its job offer after reading Sally’s submission. I can’t be mad. I’m happy for her. I just want be buying any of her damned cards…

      Anyway, I’m not bitter.

      Your mother-in-law sounds very practical. In a practically crazy kind of way…

  5. you please a lot ‘o me. ( the perfect rhyme) or: you squeeze a lot ‘o me. from the newborn’s perspective. c’mon hallmark, kick it up a notch!

  6. Haha, oh boy… forget the Hallmark cards, you should write the campaigns for the use of “protection” and “safe sex”. Just put me off childbirth for life, thanks Ned.

    1. Hahaha! I’m not sure the “it’s Ned’s fault” will work when, at some point, your mother starts asking why she doesn’t have grandchildren yet.

  7. I didn’t read through all the comments, but I’d say you have a good grasp on what Mother’s Day is really about–sacrifice. The funny thing is that, as moms, we don’t realize all the crazy things we have to do just to sustain a little person. We forget to calculate the cost. That, or the new infant has sucked out some of our brain cells during nursing.

    1. I think it’s a little bit of both, and having once been a child myself, I’d like to say Thank You and all Moms for their sacrifice 😉

  8. My “home made” (torn) episiotomy still hurts at times….and it’s been 11 years. It’s an itch you just cant really scratch…and when my husband tries, I just get burnt. 🙂

  9. Breast pump. 5 months.
    Oh, and 5 hours of pushing, after which my uterus basically said, “Screw it, I don’t get paid enough for this,” and went home. Hello, emergency C-section!
    This is why I claim the right to 3 husband vetoes. I think it’s the least I deserve.

  10. Reblogged this on Broken Condoms and commented:
    My favorite Mother’s Day post. You know, because I am one of the ones celebrating my first one this year. And I hope my kids thank me for the episiotomies. Some day.

  11. DANG IT!!! Just when my Pregnancy Amnesia finally kicked in! 😉

    Good post today! Stirring the pot and watching you cook! 🙂

  12. You forgot to mention the pooping in the pants that happens when she pushed you out. Put ex lax in her food so she can have the gift of uncontrollably pooping in her pants all over again!

    🙂 Dark but funny article. Thank you for reminding me why I don’t want to ever have children! 🙂

  13. Thank you. I just came back from our creepy “lactation room” in the basement. I guess that’s better than racing down the interstate pumping while driving using my car charger. There’s definitely no f’ing card for that.

    1. LOL! You know, I think there’s a breast pump with Blue Tooth, so you can drive, pump and text without using your hands. I’m not positive, but I also think it offers GPS…

  14. Happy Mother’s Day, Ned! Regarding Hallmark, if watching Mr. Deeds (the Adam Sandler remake) taught me anything (obviously it couldn’t possibly have) it is that in order to get hallmark to take notice of your card writing abilities you must first inherit a lot of money and then actually not inherit all of that money, but end up with some of it. It’s been a while since I saw that movie, I shouldn’t try to relate the plot line to anything, I don’t recall enough of it. Well, off to the car wash and super vacs to improve my empathy skills.

    1. Thanks, Paul! In the interest of time, I went ahead and skipped right to the “doesn’t actually inherit any money” part of the plot line in my quest for Hallmark glory. Oh, and I’d suggest a good balm for the post-nozzle dryness you will be experiencing.

  15. Ha! In that light, I’ll be honored this weekend for being filleted like a fish in a well-planned C-Section. I can only thank God my OB was an experienced fly-fisherman. True story, my scar got more compliements than the baby from the nurses.

No one is watching, I swear...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s