Soon, it will be Mother’s Day. For many of you, it means sending a flowery card that says all the wonderful things you’d say if only you had a thesaurus and someone from Hallmark breathing down your neck. The truth is, the meaning of Mother’s Day has been lost over the years thanks to stupid greeting cards filled with heartfelt phrases like:
If your love was an ocean, you would’ve drowned me as a child.
When I think of love, I think of you. Because of this, you have no grandchildren.
With every smile, I remember a special moment that will never ever be forgotten — Happy belated Mother’s Day!
The true meaning of Mother’s Day, as any mother will tell you, has absolutely nothing to do with flowery cards or fond memories — and everything to do with sacrifice.
That’s right. You want to let Mom know you really care? Forget about comparing her to “a beautiful rose laden with thorns of caring,” and remember all the stuff she endured for you even before you HAD a memory. If you’re not sure where to begin, I have two words for you:
True, not every mother utilized this torture device, but the mere thought that she could have is reason enough to be grateful. If you don’t believe me, go right now to the nearest full-service car wash, attach an industrial car vacuum nozzle to one of your mammilla, push the “on” button, and keep it there until your chest resembles a deflated balloon animal.
Then switch sides.
Repeat this process three times a day for at least six months, WITHOUT the aid of alcohol.
And remember that breast pumping came after nine months of losing control over most of her bodily functions, including — but not limited to — food cravings. These cravings came as a direct result of YOUR needs inside the womb, even though, in many cases, those needs could gag a contestant on Dumpster Diver.
But she did it anyway, in spite of the fact that as you were developing and shaping, so was she: Developing swollen feet the size of couch cushions, and taking the shape of a giant Weeble capable of destroying Tokyo. Keep in mind that during this process, she was still merrily preparing for your arrival by hanging borders, assembling mobiles, making trips to the doctor, all while visiting the bathroom once every three minutes.
Then finally, to show your appreciation upon arriving into the world, you treat her to an episiotomy.
Chances are, you won’t find any of this in a greeting card. Mainly because there are very few phrases that rhyme with “episiotomy.” Although “The things you taught-a me since your episiotomy” has potential.
That’s why I’m mentioning it here, so that hopefully, someone, somewhere, will read this and offer me a job at Hallmark.
Okay, that’s only part of the reason.
The main reason is to say “Thank You” to all you wonderful mothers out there, especially those who are celebrating their very first Mother’s Day this year.
You know who you are.
And if you don’t, try turning down that breast pump a notch or two.
(Write to Ned at email@example.com, or at Siuslaw News, P.O.Box 10, Florence, Ore. 97439)
110 thoughts on “Mother’s Day cards have no rhymes for ‘episiotomy’”
I am so glad I didn’t breast feed.
I mean me personally. Just tom clarify…
I have a new appreciation for my mother. …and for gas station guzzle pumps.
Then my work here is done.
Thank you very much for those special reminders of the (four) times I gave birth. Now, if you don’t mind, I’ll go get ready for Mother’s Day by giving myself some paper cuts and pouring lemon juice over them…
LOL! Forget the lemon juice and use some tequila. It stings just as much but there’s an added bonus to licking your wounds 😉
Hard to believe you’ve never experienced any of this firsthand, Ned — you nailed it. Or maybe that’s the prequel.
My sympathy pains were ridiculous; when my wife’s water broke, I peed my pants.
Way to be in sync!
I am totally quoting you on this, dude. 😀
I stand by that statement. Although, a little to the left…
I sent a link to this post to my daughter, a new mother who is very familiar with breast pumps, having recently acquired a DOUBLE one that puts commercial dairy milking machines to shame! *snort* No more hand pumping with devices that look like old fashioned bicycle horns! It’s all high tech these days.
Now as for your future with Hallmark…Ned, Ned, Ned. I have but six words for you: Don’t give up your day job.
You’re so right in that look like bicycle horns! LOL! But trust me: “honking” them doesn’t have the same effect.
Well, at least honking was an option. Today, you have to pull the plug!
BTW, I’ve come to the conclusion that the people who read your blog are pretty nearly as crazy as you are…including me.
I think your conclusion is well founded 😉
Lobotomy sort of rhymes with episiotomy. . . .sometimes how you feel after becoming a mother!! hahaha
Hmmm. Some definite potential there…
Your birth took a lot out’ta me
due to the episiotomy and lobotomy
But thanks anyway for the card you bought’a me
What the hell am I getting my mom for Mother’s Day?? hahaha
I’d suggest a nice Snuggie and bottle of wine.
Ooh. . .good call, although she’s gotten a little crotchety, so I think I will go with the ‘ol box ‘o wine. 😉
Better yet, maybe put her wine in a Camel Bag. That way she can carry it around while, at the same time, adding that all-important center of gravity we need as we get older 😉
🙂 Maybe to get her happy faster I should skip the wine and fill it with vodka!! lol
In that case, don’t forget who your friends are when Father’s Day comes around next month 😉
I will even do a toast to you tonight after work!! lol
See what you can come up with that rhymes with vasectomy…
Lumpectomy, tonsillectomy. . .
Yioun mean like:
Roses are red
Violets are purple
The colors of my beating heart
And also my vasectomy…?
Snip, snip. . .
You just made me involuntarily cross my legs…
Sometimes I have that effect on men! hahaha
And the other times…? lol!
For all you suffered, mom,
The worst, I know, has gotta be
The time I split you open
Thanks for your episiotomy!
Where on earth did you find a Mother’s Day card from Jack the Ripper?!?
Admittedly, that rhyme still stands a better chance of catching Hallmark’s eye than mine…
thanks for noticing…
It’s what I do. Mostly because no one else wants to. But in all seriousness, Happy Mother’s Day. Lord knows you deserve it 😉
moms…beat up from the inside out for 100 000 years and counting
So true. At the same time, I like to think that for every good man, there’s a mother who has been treated with respect and appreciation. Or at the very least an abusive husband who got his rear handed to him by a protective son. Speaking from experience…
Oh, come on… Breast pumping isn’t that bad! Oh wait…
Neither is a colon exam… oh wait…
Just to clarify, are you talking about a digital rectal exam or a colonoscopy? I need to know what we’re comparing here 😉
Well, if we’re trying to be specific, how many digits are we talking about with the rectal exam…?
Ned! Hilarious as usual. I’ll never look at a car wash the same way again …
If there are a rash of arrests involving gas station vacuum nozzles, I’ll know my post has had an impact.
Tell me about it… I mean, I’m guessing.
Reblogged this on Iamnotyourmum's Blog.
Ned, I took it as a personal challenge to find a rhyme for episiotomy….and a topical card phrase…
It took your episiotomy
To make a tot o’ me.
Happy Mother’s Day.
LOL! Brilliant! If nothing else, we’ve set a good foundation for National Episiotomy Awareness Week cards from Hallmark 🙂
I’ll take mine with a shot of epidural please and thank you very much!
Did you like some salt and a lime wedge with that?
With vodka and rocks, please!
Come to think of it, a lot of pregnancies actually START that way…
Wait. Come to think of it. Lime and salt makes me take my clothes…
I’d suggest staying away from Joie Nichols, just to be safe.
It looks like Sally just stole your opportunity to work for Hallmark. I stand and applaud her contribution. I would suggest that my children steal Sally’s phrase (episiotomy and tot o’me — classic creativity) for their own cards to my wife, but I’m torn.
I have a breast pump story. No, it’s not about my trying to contribute by turning the pump on myself. It’s about my ‘frugal’ mother in law, who suggested that we boil the breast pump components and reuse them, after our terrier had consumed those components and pooped them out whole. Heartwarming, eh?
Yeah, Hallmark already revoked its job offer after reading Sally’s submission. I can’t be mad. I’m happy for her. I just want be buying any of her damned cards…
Anyway, I’m not bitter.
Your mother-in-law sounds very practical. In a practically crazy kind of way…
Thank you…glad someone else ges my terrible jokes! 🙂
Think about what you just said — after all, we both are commenting on Ned’s blog…..
you please a lot ‘o me. ( the perfect rhyme) or: you squeeze a lot ‘o me. from the newborn’s perspective. c’mon hallmark, kick it up a notch!
Lol! I’d be careful taunting Hallmark, the God of greeting cards; look what happened to the Greeks.
By god, you’re right! They ended up with oracles, greeting cards you couldn’t ignore!
BTW, I thought you said no one was watching.
Clearly, we have been mis-informed…
Haha, oh boy… forget the Hallmark cards, you should write the campaigns for the use of “protection” and “safe sex”. Just put me off childbirth for life, thanks Ned.
Hahaha! I’m not sure the “it’s Ned’s fault” will work when, at some point, your mother starts asking why she doesn’t have grandchildren yet.
I didn’t read through all the comments, but I’d say you have a good grasp on what Mother’s Day is really about–sacrifice. The funny thing is that, as moms, we don’t realize all the crazy things we have to do just to sustain a little person. We forget to calculate the cost. That, or the new infant has sucked out some of our brain cells during nursing.
I think it’s a little bit of both, and having once been a child myself, I’d like to say Thank You and all Moms for their sacrifice 😉
Great post! Thanks!
I wish I had something clever to add to this. It seems in the realm of wit and humor, it’s impossible to top “episiotomy.”
I’m sure that’s how Mother Nature intended it 😉
My “home made” (torn) episiotomy still hurts at times….and it’s been 11 years. It’s an itch you just cant really scratch…and when my husband tries, I just get burnt. 🙂
They have books, you know…
Breast pump. 5 months.
Oh, and 5 hours of pushing, after which my uterus basically said, “Screw it, I don’t get paid enough for this,” and went home. Hello, emergency C-section!
This is why I claim the right to 3 husband vetoes. I think it’s the least I deserve.
I’d definitely include a veto for every month of breast pumping.
Reblogged this on Broken Condoms and commented:
My favorite Mother’s Day post. You know, because I am one of the ones celebrating my first one this year. And I hope my kids thank me for the episiotomies. Some day.
DANG IT!!! Just when my Pregnancy Amnesia finally kicked in! 😉
Good post today! Stirring the pot and watching you cook! 🙂
Just wait until it’s bed time… 😉 (My lovely wife, ladies and gentlemen!)
You forgot to mention the pooping in the pants that happens when she pushed you out. Put ex lax in her food so she can have the gift of uncontrollably pooping in her pants all over again!
🙂 Dark but funny article. Thank you for reminding me why I don’t want to ever have children! 🙂
I am slowly becoming the poster child for abstinance…
haha and birth control!
I’d prefer the latter. In don’t want to become the reason people stop having sex. Especially in my personal life.
Thank you. I just came back from our creepy “lactation room” in the basement. I guess that’s better than racing down the interstate pumping while driving using my car charger. There’s definitely no f’ing card for that.
LOL! You know, I think there’s a breast pump with Blue Tooth, so you can drive, pump and text without using your hands. I’m not positive, but I also think it offers GPS…
Thank god I’m a man…
Amen to that…
Happy Mother’s Day, Ned! Regarding Hallmark, if watching Mr. Deeds (the Adam Sandler remake) taught me anything (obviously it couldn’t possibly have) it is that in order to get hallmark to take notice of your card writing abilities you must first inherit a lot of money and then actually not inherit all of that money, but end up with some of it. It’s been a while since I saw that movie, I shouldn’t try to relate the plot line to anything, I don’t recall enough of it. Well, off to the car wash and super vacs to improve my empathy skills.
Thanks, Paul! In the interest of time, I went ahead and skipped right to the “doesn’t actually inherit any money” part of the plot line in my quest for Hallmark glory. Oh, and I’d suggest a good balm for the post-nozzle dryness you will be experiencing.
I’ll take any nozzle advice you have to offer, you are a fireman after all.
True. My nozzle is my lifeline.
Don’t sell yourself short, other people depend upon it, too.
Lol! Thanks, Paul.
Do I get points for having given birth three times with no pain relief? (hopes)
POINTS?!? You should have your own church. Kudos to you! I’d like to see Jason Statham or Daniel Craig pull that off…
Haha I only did it the first time as my mother said my pain threshold was lower than hers 😉
Nice! Thanks, Mom! Enjoy your day this weekend 😉
Ours is in March over here but I appreciate the thought 🙂
Ooops. But hey, that makes me the first!
Ha! In that light, I’ll be honored this weekend for being filleted like a fish in a well-planned C-Section. I can only thank God my OB was an experienced fly-fisherman. True story, my scar got more compliements than the baby from the nurses.
Haha! That’s fantastic. As long as there were no feathers sticking out. Have a terrific Mother’s Day. Maybe do some fishing…?