(Warning: At all costs, the following information must NOT fall into the hands of Geraldo Rivera.)
According to an ad in the Toronto Star newspaper, the producers of “Naked News” are seeking anchors for their daily internet news program. For those of you who’ve never heard of this program, let me take just a moment to explain it:
They report the news, and they’re naked.
That’s pretty much it.
And for most men, that’s explanation enough, which is why the website now averages 6 million viewers per month.
Now, before we go on, I’d like to clarify that I happened upon this website completely by accident, while innocently searching for information about naked “gnus,” which, as you may or may not know, is the tragic plight of African wildebeests suffering from premature baldness. While painstakingly gathering this sad information, I accidentally went from reading about an entire herd of hairless antelope in Botswana, to watching as a naked weatherman pointed to three developing storms at the same time — in Seattle, Maine, and the Gulf of Mexico.
I will not explain precisely how how he did this.
However, in my haste to leave the website, I accidentally switched over to the “All-Female” broadcast team. It was at this point that my journalistic integrity kicked in, and I felt an obligation to you, the reader, to investigate until I discovered the bitter truth.
Or at least until my editor discovered what I was doing.
As a result of this investigation, I learned that, just like CNN and other major news channels, Naked News offers in-depth coverage of events from all around the world.
I also learned that I am easily distracted from this coverage.
For those of you who are wondering how you can become a reporter for this cutting-edge news organization (Or, at the very least, what organization’s dating policy is), you’ll be happy to know that, according to the audition requirements listed on the Naked News website, no broadcasting experience is necessary!
That’s right! There’s no need to let your lack of experience stop you from realizing your dream of standing buck naked in front of a TelePrompTer.
I didn’t.
Which is why I now work for a newspaper.
This isn’t to say that any thoughts I had of becoming a part of the Naked News movement have been put on the shelf. In fact, I am actually naked right now.
Which is why I’m currenty looking for a job in radio.
(You can write to Ned at nedhickson@icloud.com, or at Siuslaw News, P.O. Box 10, Florence, Ore. 97439)
Ned's Blog 
Sorry … just can’t see why anyone would want to present the news – or anything – feeling the wind whistling round the old accoutrements.
People watching one obviously understands ‘cos there are just so many prurient types out there not getting enough, if you get my drift, and they need the titillation. (Hmmm, possibly could have used a less appropriate word there).
Obviously, with your keen interest in balding wildlife, I am not including you in that last comment, Ned … much 😉
Hahaha! I’m thinking I’ll just be a guest from time to time, talking about and standing behind the plight of the naked gnus. Literally, I will be standing behind one…
Do I hear banjoes?
This isn’t The Nature Channel.
Won’t that look a little … well … suspect?
Just trying to avoid full-frontal gnu-dity.
What I’m really worried about with Naked News is…what kind of chairs are they sitting on? And who has been sitting on them before? Ewww….
LOL! I’m suggesting they use commodes to sit on, with those paper shields you can throw away after interviews.
Good idea!
Ned, Ned, Ned! I would say that you are incorrigible, but I am pretty sure you can be corriged! 😯
However, in spite of that, let me be the first to tell you how proud I am of your interest in wildlife, and how inspiring your research into the plight of naked wildebeest everywhere is. It has made me want to go searching for naked news…I mean, gnus, of course…myself. Sure hope I don’t accidentally stumble across video of that weatherman who can point to three things at once, though. Now that would be inspiring!
😀
Scandalised, Marcia! :0
Oh, good. Then my work here is done!
😉
At the bare minimum, I’m all about the plight of wildlife
I thought as much. I’ve got your number, Ned. (No, seriously. I’ve got it. Be afraid. Be very afraid.)
I’m shaking in my boots. I did at least wear boots today.
Dare I ask how many?
Oh, and an oven mitt…
Smart. Comfy AND insulates, too. One can never be too careful. I’m told those newsroom cameras can get really hot.
The line above your comment box seems particularly apt today … 😉
Hahaha! I hadn’t thought about that! OK, now I’m paranoid…
Lol! I just meant it was very encouraging to those of us who have a tendency to blog in our pajama pants. Or as you described in your post, a little, um, less than pajama pants …
I never took typing, so when I’m writing my blog I’m a peck… I mean, I hunt and peck with two fingers.
Bahahaha!
Ned!! Stop that. The guy in the cubicle beside me is staring.
Maybe you should put some dang clothes on!
LOL!! Where, exactly, do you think it is that I work …?!?
Probably no where after showing up to work naked, jeez! Or then again, it could be somewhere in the capitol…
1). I see there is no filter on your employers computers.
2). Ned likes naked.
3). Ned already applied. 😬
At least I won’t have to worry about what to wear to the interview.
The whore…I mean horror of it all…
Sure, a GUY shows up naked to an interview and he’s a whore, but a woman shows up naked to the same interview and she’s … uh.. also… Oh, never mind.
She is a national commodity. Yes. A national commodity. We can sell anything with our bodies. Even the weather.
I can’t even sell See’s Candy.
What!?
To be sure naked, they would see you coming…
Ned, brilliantly witty as always. Love the part about pointing at three things at once. Clearly you are a above that. Thank you for being content to work where there is a focus on the team members news and not the news teams member. If they come knocking at your door, you tell them that you are not going to let them give you the shaft.
Thanks, Tom! But I’m not sure I’ll have that kind of pull.
hahahaha
Back in the 1950’s, the BBC had a radio program that featured a ventriloquist. No really, it was called “Educating Archie”. Google it if you don’t believe me. Great blog mate . I don’t read enough of your stuff. I shall be remedying that situation forthwith.
LOL! I will definitely be looking into that! Let me guess: It was followed by a program featuring an illusionist?
Radio is the new naked news. Plus it won’t matter so much if you’re having a bad chest hair day. Assuming you have chest hair.
Also, I just nominated you for one of them blogger awards, because you’re good enough and smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like you! http://dirtyrottenparenting.com/2013/05/22/acceptance-speech/
Thank you Stuart Smalley! Lol!
You know what, this is one of those things I could see people putting on their bucket lists.
To Do: broadcast the news in the nude!
This is in way saying that I would, but I could definitely see some people doing that, lol.
And I am sure that this was all accidental… 😉
I have to admit, my working naked at the newspaper was no accident… 😉
I remember “reading about” Naked News years ago! I’m amazed it’s still around. I guess it’s one site with real staying power… unlike most of its viewers, I imagine.
Yeah, but after three or four minutes viewership numbers tend to soften. (“reading about…” very nice…) 😉
“More at 11…” [me about 20 years ago]
Hahaha! “This just in…”
You win.
I am disturbed. And this blog also bothered me, as well as watching the Naked News, which I in my complete innocence did not know about until being corrupted by this blog, leading me into the jagged corruptedtivity.
(I should probably cry ‘uncle henry’ now)
As a friend, I am concerned about your need to cry ‘uncle Henry’ while watching Naked News.
Not to be confused with crying ‘Oh Henry’, which is a short story and a dang good candy bar.
That’s the one with tiny nuts, right?
Pea nuts.
Glad you spelled it with an “a.”
I usully void tht letter.
i am seeing a pattern here – job requirements: carnies, cops, naked newscasters, what next? one-eyed astronauts?
I’m a man of many talents. Especially after a few drinks.
Rarasaur posts naked in the nude. In light of the above disclosed details, I surmise that you were posting the same way. I asked her how she managed the “goo” or does she sit squarely on an object and let her butt do the dusting? She said she couldnt get over the word “goo”. Well, an ecological approach, I will grant her that. Just hoping that a furniture rag are between the cheeks. By all means give us your details on your naked blogging experience…. PS: 🙂
When my book comes out in the fall, I am considering going nude during my tour. I think this will add to the mystery of my writing inspirations as people look at me while I read and say to themselves, “What the heck is THAT?”
Are you ONE of THOSE who stand in front of the mirror and flex your muscles? I fear you are….well, you can show most of yourself in a flattering, what-is-down-there way by wearing a toga. It’s too gauche to have the full monty show and tell. A little to the imagination is much better, and will give the old tabbies something to think about as they are laughing at your humor. But by all means show the whole tell on your blog here. We are not old tabbies….I often lament on my posts that I wish I could show off my belly boob. To bad that convention prevents these rare sightings 🙂
That’s a great idea. Lifting my toga could be my “go-to” solution if I’m not getting any laughs from the book…
Absolutely, a back up plan is essential when it cums to delicate situations.
It is fascinating how you unintentionally happened upon this site. Lol. I guess naked blogging is less offensive as long as your nakedness is not referenced in the blog post! Lol. The visual image distracts from the story. I had to re-read your post three times. (Just kidding.)
Haha! Naked blogging is WAY less offensive than naked broadcasting, at least in my case 😉
Thanks for taking one for the team and finding out what the all female broadcast was all about.
I like to think of myself as the Wolf Blitzer of investigative nude broadcasting.