The above statement is more than just a flashy headline meant to hook you into reading this post. It’s a proven fact, based on a highly coordinated, in-depth poll taken over the course of three minutes here at the Siuslaw News.
I know what you’re asking yourself: Why not five out of five?
That’s because we actually only have four reporters in our newsroom. The fifth person in this poll isn’t “technically” a reporter because, technically speaking, he was already on the other side of The Door, jamming a plumbing snake down the commode. So, as a show of my journalistic integrity — and also because someone at the corporate office may read this and add more projects because of our “new five-person staff” — I couldn’t in good conscience claim 5-out-of-5 in my headline.
Just for the record, “Bo” the plumber did say he thought about being a reporter but decided against it because, as he explained, “Fixing toilets pays better and, unless the last person to use it ate alphabet soup, there’s no grammar to deal with.”
But you didn’t come here for that. Well, maybe that guy did. The rest of you came because it’s Tuesday; it’s the day we gather at The Door (of Shame, Blame and Brilliance) to highlight one of the many coveted newspaper clippings that have been assembled on The Door by reporters here at the Siuslaw News since the 1970s.
Before we begin, we must follow a certain protocol — a ritualistic show of respect if you will — that dates back as far as I can remember, keeping in mind that I am approaching 47. As always, let’s join hands and, speaking in a monotoned voice similar to any character played by Kristen Stewart, repeat the following mantra:
The Door is a beacon, drawing us into the jagged rocks of journalism.
Unlike most clippings on The Door, this one has no date or newspaper credit, which leads me to believe it was clipped and posted by someone in haste. Or someone intoxicated.
Either way, it is unique because it encompasses two of our criteria: Blame and Shame. Undoubtedly, after this was published, the editor thought, “It’s totally shameful I missed the absolute stupidity of this headline… Hey, I’ll blame the copy editor!”
Join us again next Tuesday, when we will once again stand before The Door and ask: Are these clippings the only thing holding this door together?
60 thoughts on “Before leaving the newsroom, four out of five journalists recommend using… The Door”
Wow Ned I immediately got a visual of someone repaetedly slapping themselves.
The door is a blinking blinking blinking blinking blinking blinking blinking blinking…
That is a disjointed headline.
Sorry… what did you say? I was in a trance from all that blinking…
Now stand on one foot and sing “Let’s Get Physical” using a Truman Capote voice.
My spit just turned salty. That usually means I’m going to vomit. It must’ve been the thought of standing on one foot.
That happens to me every Tuesday.
Weird… me too…
I blame it on my wife.
I’m not sure, but I think we’re talking about two different kinds of saltiness here.
I think I am going to switch to my Ted Nugent’s Greatest Hits album now. Thanks.
♫ MaserAtiiiiii ♫
Damn you and your music notes Uncle Henry!
Zen master, of course. Read the damned story, Ned!
Ahhh, that explains it. Wow, he deserves a hand.
Perfection! Your office is clearly in possession of the most eruditely adorned door in existence. Allow me to restate that: Your office is clearly possessed.
Without a doubt. Things get moved around on my desk all the time that I don’t remember moving. And sometimes, it’s not even me doing it… *shivers*
Wow. The hits just keep coming. One would think that at some point you would run out of these.
Newspapers have been screwing up for a long time. And not just ours…
Now that is talent!! For some reason I thought of a seal… I don’t know why…
LOL! I don’t know why that seems more sad to me than a one-armed person. Maybe because a seal with one fin could be mistaken for a shark? I don’t know…
I’m an odd bird sir. I cant’ control the images that conjure up in my mind 😀 But, it’s any consolation, the seal I see is super happy. LOL
Somehow I knew that… all of it… 😉
Are you sure the entire building isn’t being held together by news clippings.
I’m afraid to investigate that too deeply. Although I believe the walls are filled with empty glue sticks.
I was helping the plumber with his snake….I mean the toilet. What were you saying?
Obviously, it didn’t leave much of an impression. The toilet I mean.
They say 4 outta 5 men….the size of their …oh. I better stay on the toilet side of that door…..obviously.
While reloading fire hose the other day… (pausing for visual)… the guy working with me was preparing to leave the required 18-inch gap for the nozzle. “I’ll have to drop my pants to measure that,” he said.
“And then what,” I replied. “Multiply by six?”
So yes, Lisa, I concur 😉
Six? The plumber only had to multiply by two….
It’s probably retractable.
Aren’t they all….
I can only speak for myself, but, being a newspaper man, let me just say I feel no need for a retraction…
Well then, multiply by 6 and carry on. The hose that is….
OK, fine — I’ve never been good at dividing fractions… 😉
You caught me just when I was about to say…… One decimal.
LOL! Whew! That was a close one… 😉
I think we’re done here Ned. For now….
Why do I feel like I dodged a bullet that is ricochetting back at me? 😉
….and I was on the other side of the door with that plumber and his snake. I mean toilet.
That would explain why he forgot to leave a bill.
Oh. Y’all didn’t see mine?
You mean you don’t have lay-away?
Oh. There was a lay away of sorts.
I think you meant “shorts.”
Is it just one big drunk around there every day?? lol
Not every day… 😉
We’re closed on the weekends…
My place is open on the weekends, so come on over!
Maybe we should open a satellite newsroom there on the weekends. You know, for complete coverage.
Definitely! The news needs to be covered 24/7! 😉
Just so you know, year sago, I talked my roommate into joining a badminton league thinking this was one sport we could actually win. Our first opponent was a one armed 70 year old man and he kicked our a—s! Used his ‘wing to throw up the birdie for a serve and slammed it! Still on the hunt for a sport where I can actually be a contender
(His “birdie” and “wing?” I’m laughing to myself so no one will think I am callus)…
Hey, there’s always slow-pitch bowling… ?
I didn’t come here to read about Bo, but I’m so glad that his story was included.
Yeah, Bo turnbed out to be an integral part of this post. Not to mention a good solid flushing.
I love a story with a happy ending.
Thanks for the laughs! Now back to work for me…
Hey, you’re welcome! Have a great day at work. Keep a blanket handy, just in case…