(If you’re reading this and still haven’t begun defrosting your Thanksgiving turkey, stop RIGHT NOW and place your bird in the shower, where it can be defrosted and monitored properly, as well as cleansed regularly, between now and Nov. 28. This is just one exciting example of the kind of tips you can expect from this week’s edition of Flashback Sunday! Now, please wash your hands…)
Don’t lose your giblets this Thanksgiving.
Being a writer, I’ve naturally spent a good portion of my career working in the food service industry. And like most writers, it was there that I was able practice my craft and eventually acquire something that ALL good writers must have: A Food Handler’s Card.
Because of this, I can stand before you as someone highly qualified to talk turkey.
So let us begin.
Unless you actually live on a turkey farm (in which case you’ll be serving ham or nachos or meat loaf or microwaveable pork rinds or ANYTHING but more turkey this Thanksgiving), your bird has probably been somewhere in the bottom of the freezer since last January — in most cases, right next to that unlabeled container of something which, in its frozen state, has become completely unrecognizable. This means that you will have to thaw your turkey before cooking it.
To estimate how long the thawing process should take, the rule of thumb is 24 hours for every five pounds, which means that if you forgot to pull your bird out ahead of time, you’ll be thawing your turkey with a blow torch like the rest of us.
Once it’s thawed, reach into the abdominal cavity and remove the giblets, which, apparently, all turkeys conveniently wrap in wax paper and then swallow moments before death. Next, you need to immediately place the giblets into the refrigerator. This will ensure they don’t end up on the kitchen floor and, as a result, get thrown away after being mistaken for cat vomit.
If you choose to cook the stuffing inside the turkey, make sure that you don’t over stuff the body cavity. This can impede the cooking process and provide a breeding ground for foodborne illness. In addition, the expansion of cooked bread crumbs in a confined space can lead to what culinary experts call “Exploding Turkey” syndrome. Though it’s not lethal, it will mean a substantial delay in festivities while everyone waits for you to scrape the stuffing from the ceiling.
Important tip for first-timers: Once the bird has been stuffed, remember to put the legs into a tucked position using twine or a metal clip. This is important because, if you don’t, the legs WILL spring up and do the splits at some point during dinner.
Okay, not really.
But if that does happen, you may want to put the turkey back into the oven for a while — assuming you haven’t lost your giblets.
(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, will be released this December from Port Hole Publications. You can write to him at nhickson@thesiuslawnews.com, or at Siuslaw News, P.O. Box 10, Florence, Ore. 97439)
Ned's Blog 
I hope this does not mean I should label the turkey soup …. hot tub !
In that case, don’t forget the carrots and celery…
Or, you can successfully avoid having to cook the turkey by visiting the people who do. Works for me every year.
P.S. Are you starting the NWOC (Nickel’s Worth On Cooking) feature?
Sounds like a good plan.
Wait… does that mean you’re coming to our house?
If I knew how to cook asian food I could still call it NWOW (Nickel’s Worth on Woking)
Don’t worry, there are around 50 million houses where people will be cooking a turkey. It’s an extremely low probability that I’ll show up at yours.
That’s what my urologist said about the chance of pregnancy after my vasectomy. Hello child No. 4…
I’ll baste some extra turkey, just in case.
Ummm, Ned… Strictly theoretically speaking, it’s still possible for a woman to get pregnant after her husband gets a vasectomy, or, say, while he spends years at sea… 🙂 🙂
Lol! After I pushed “post comment” I told myself, “That needed more explanation.”
Sadly, it’s quite obvious child number four carries some of my genes 😉
I remember a video of years past on America’s Funniest Videos where the first time turkey cooker (a new bride) thought the contents of the packet was the stuffing. She left it in the turkey while baking. I guess she was taking care of her giblets.
I bet Martha Stewart is still trying to hunt down and destroy that video from her younger years.
How did you know it was her?
She catered our wedding and we made the mistake of ordering the turkey fondue.
A melting pot of giblets and wax paper, huh? So sorry.
Not as sorry as the plumber.
Good advice for the first-timers. I have a great first Thanksgiving story that I was going to tell you about in my comment. But wait! That’s good writing material! So sorry, Ned, you’ll have to wait for it in a post. You’re on pins and needles, right? 🙂
Yes, I am! So hurry! They’re starting to leave a mark 😉
Call your acupuncturist! I had to finish another one first,but I’ll get right on it! Geeze 😉
It’s my own fault for ordering a Sleep Comfort bed from someone in India.
Well there’s your problem. You’ve got to buy American!
http://us.bedofnails.org/
I get your point.
Trying to get the last word with you is pointless.
Lol! (That’s not a word, by the way — so technically you win 😉 )
TKO? I’ll take it. Thanks for the verbal sparring; good mental workout, for me anyway 🙂
…..that better not be my bathing suit….
Or your tan.
oh…if that were MY tan…there would be no lines…
You must save a lot of money on bikinis. Then again, you probably pay more in sun tan lotion.
..you see that torch?….yeah….
50 Shades of tan; I heard she was writing a sequel.
OH. you didnt hear?
thats my book…
did you shave that bird?
I tried to keep it Neet.
…i go brazilain..
The sun-tanned turkey in the skin-coloured bikini is a hoot.
Thanks for the lovely tips. We had our turkey last month. My son-in-law cooked it and managed not to lose either turkey or giblets but then he’s been cooking turkeys for years. I must show him your tips to make sure he’s following all the steps. 😉
He sounds like a pro, so I’m sure he’s got the steps down. Especially the ones leading to the extinguisher.
😉
Thanks for the tips… seriously. I still need to go buy our bird.
You may want to skip the shower-thaw approach at this point and place it in a hot tub with some carrots and celery.
You forgot the part about making contingency dinner plans in case you do everything right but the cat/dog finds the bird before you do while you’re letting it rest before carving. It’s not really an issue unless one of the guests sees it, I suppose.
That’s when you announce “there’s a surprise theme for this year’s Thanksgiving!” and introduce the taco bar.
that’ll work
Can we please just have nachos for Thanksgiving dinner and skip the stupid all-day cook fest in the kitchen?
Ok, fine. But you have to wear a sombrero; it’s not negotiable.
Any tradition is acceptable as long as it’s not overcooked green beans and mushy stuffing…
Agreed. I’ll be the one in the sarape. Gives me more room to eat.
NOW you’re talkin.
Man, how did I get so old doing everything wrong with turkeys? Nachos, here I come!
You can compromise and have turkey taco meat, just to keep from straying too far from tradition.
i hate to say it, but this kind of sounds like the same process i go through when thawing out from the long winter and getting ready for a day on the summer’s beach. it all sounded just a little too familiar….
Hopefully it never ends with any kind of thermometer…
Keep writing blogs like this and your pen name will be Sal Monella.
Ba-DUH-bump (I did that with turkey drumsticks)
Nice, Uncle Henry.