(With retailers now moving traditional day-after-Thanksgiving “Black Friday” shopping to a week ago last Wednesday, thereby breaking the holiday space-time continuum, this week’s edition of Flashback Sunday is desperate attempt by me to counteract that breach by offering a post from a time when even Bigfoot knew when he could find the best sale on an Epilady…)
Then there are times like this when, thanks to years of experience and accidentally consuming a quadruple espresso meant for the person next to me at Starbuck’s, I realize both topics can be combined into a single, well-structured piece of journalism.
Which is why, today, we will be talking about how to prepare for holiday shopping with the help of Bigfoot.
As some of you may have heard, a hiker in Utah posted video of what appeared to be Bigfoot rummaging through the brush.
In addition, some of you may have heard about Thanksgiving.
I don’t believe this is a coincidence.
Especially when you consider how, year after year, Thanksgiving is followed by Friday — a shopping day so enormously frightening it has become known as “Black Friday.”
Did I mention the Bigfoot spotted in Utah has black fur?
As you can see, the correlations are staggering.
(Note to writing students: This merging of seemingly unrelated topics at high speeds is extremely tricky requiring years of practice, and is a device referred to by journalists and railroad engineers as a “train wreck.”)
Now that we have established the irrefutable connection between Bigfoot and holiday shopping on Black Friday (I’m a journalist, so you can trust me when I say we have), I will now explain how, with a little preparation and an oversized SUV or cargo van, you can get all of your holiday shopping done next Friday with the help of Bigfoot.
The first step, of course, is to locate and enlist the help of a Bigfoot. This is actually easier than you might think. All you have to do is drive to a heavily wooded area and NOT look for one. This seems to be when most Bigfoot sightings occur, right when the hiker, anthropologist, logger, marijuana grower, Fox News reporter, etc., is least expecting it, which is why every video taken of Bigfoot looks like a deleted scene from the Paranormal Witch Project.
Once you have made contact, the next step is to convince Bigfoot to help with your holiday shopping. To do this, offer your help in obtaining something he wants for Mrs. Bigfoot but can’t find in the woods — such as an Epilady shaver.
Now that you have found Bigfoot and enlisted his help, it’s time to go SHOPPING!
Given that Black Friday is the busiest shopping day of the year, with retailers opening before dawn and offering outrageous deals, such as 50 percent off any six-toed socks sold between 5:30 and 5:45 a.m., you’ll be glad you brought Bigfoot along to play “wack-a-mole” with anyone who gets in your way.
The same goes for sneaky sales people who try the old “bait-and-switch.”
For example: Let’s say the clerk insists that the item on sale for $10 is a cheese spreader, and not the 55-inch flat screen TV in your cart. Simply let Bigfoot do the negotiating by turning the clerk into his own custom “Snuggy.”
Now imagine the satisfaction of completing all of your holiday shopping in one day as you and Bigfoot breeze through the mall on matching Segways donated by mall security.
Needless to say, when it comes to Black Friday shopping, there are many advantages to enlisting the help of Bigfoot.
Plus, I’d suggest staying in touch; he also comes in handy when it comes gift returns.
(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, will be released this December from Port Hole Publications. You can write to him at nhickson@thesiuslawnews.com, or at Siuslaw News, P.O. Box 10, Florence, Ore. 97439)
Ned's Blog 
On the topic of merging of seemingly unrelated topics, did anyone else notice that the Time Lord Dr. Who showed up the day after JFK’s supposed assassination? Dallas…TARDIS…could be used to rhyme in a poem. Killed before his TIME. Dr. Who periodically regenerates a new face and body.
Very eerie!
I mean, that you don’t have your own red phone booth.
OMG!
So weird you should say that, because I only live an hour or so from Lake Erie!
*Shivers!*
…you said epilady and I had twinges go off in places I didnt even know I had….Bigfoot speaking…
If, after reading this, you’ve discovered places you didn’t know you had, then my work is done…
..AND THAT IS USUALLY WHAT HAPPENS….
i just have to say that i am a sucker for everything bigfoot/yeti and this is no exception. well done ned!
I had a feeling you had a thing for large, hairy men. All I have is big feet.
Gotta get me one!
It will be worth the investment. Or food bill.
I’ve been waiting for years for ideas on how to enlist a Bigfoot in my shopping trip (I drive through woods quite a lot and I’m ALWAYS bumping into Bigfoots, they’re all over the place) and now I know. Thank you for these excellent tips. My shopping experience will be far easier now, and I heard they don’t even expect payment – they just like the company.
I’m always glad when I can help ease the pressure of holiday shopping through practical advice that also brings humans and Bigfoots together. And it’s true, they enjoy good company as much as they do a good hair relaxer.
You’ve made a lot of people’s lives that much easier.
Even if I could be lucky enough to find my own Big Foot, I would still avoid Black Friday like the plague!!!
What do you think drove all the Bigfoots into the wilderness?
The only thing I really want this year is that $99 Xbox they have at Walmart. Do you think I could hire a mercenary type to go get me one while I’m sitting around with family enjoying Thanksgiving dessert??
Even hardened mercenaries are scared to go into Wal-Mart after midnight…
As they should be!!
Being a person who is somewhat vertically challenged (standing proud and ‘tall’ at 5’2 and 3/4″) I think Big Foot would be perfect! I remember not being able to find myself in a see of average to above average tall people in a heavily crowded Chicago mall. Do you think Big Foot would meander over to swampy Miami???
I could see how that would make things difficult. I am picturing you on Bigfoot’s shoulders, like a rally squad cheerleader, as the two of you go through the mall grabbing everything off the top shelves. I think, as fun as that sounds, Bigfoot would be willing to make the trip!
I do have an old cheerleading uniform from high school! lol! Or , Maybe my if I go about researching the agrobiodiversity of the everglades region he will appear? You know, acting like a mind-my-own-business-anthropologist 😉 lol
That’s an excellent plan! Research agrobiodiversity in the Everglades, wearing your cheerleader uniform, and see how long it is before Bigfoot shows up. Or at least a hillbilly with big feet…
A hillbilly or Fox News… lol!
LOL!!
Two thoughts – You can probably “bribe” Bigfoot with food; it works with most men. Make sure he understands the difference between accelerate and stop; I can’t imagine he’s going to ride shotgun to the mall.
Excellent points all around. The only thing I’d add is if you’re on a motor scooter, keep in mind that if he’s on the back you’ll be doing a wheelie the whole way.
That would make an excellent advertisement about how much fun Christmas shopping can be.
Add some music from STOMP and I think we’d have something.
I’m so glad I can avoid this phenomenon….both Big Foot and holiday shopping. Malls make me break out in a rash.
I know what you mean. I tend to break out in a rash when I see a Bigfoot.
This made me snicker: “As you can see, the correlations are staggering.”
Black Friday is madness. I wish it weren’t real, like Big Foot. Because Big Foot is real.
I’ve never partaken in the Black Friday craziness, although I probably should. Just once. For the experience.
Naw…
“Naw” indeed! That morning is for one thing and one thing only: SLEEPING IN.