Men are from NAPA, women are from Macy’s

image There are thousands of books offering insights into the male/female dynamic. Coincidentally, these books are generally located next to the section labeled “divorced/end-of-relationship” section. If you want to observe the true difference between men and women at its purest form, without a divorce attorney present, simply study their shopping habits.

With the holiday buying season now officially underway, there’s no better time to witness this phenomenon for yourself.

Here’s a brief study guide to get you started.

Women:
a) Define an outfit as something comprised of at least three pieces of clothing, all of which are interchangeable and flattering.
b) Have researched the best buys and know where there’s a sale today.
c) Are undecided about whether or not a drop-waist makes them look fat.
d) Will try on all clothes within arm’s reach of the fitting room.

Men:
a) Define an outfit as something comprised of jeans. And maybe a fishing lure.
b) Have researched today’s game schedule on ESPN and know they can get to the store and back during halftime.
c) Are undecided about how to answer when their wives ask if a drop-waist makes them look fat.
d) Won’t get within arm’s reach of the fitting room. Continue reading

Male aversion to holiday shopping linked to survival instinct

(Today, I’m at bat over at Long Awkward Pause! Mostly because Chris really hates it when we play baseball in the office…)

Most men won't admit to being afraid of female holiday shoppers

Many men won’t admit to being afraid of female holiday shoppers. The others are still alive.

It’s an American tradition: Kicking off the holiday shopping season by spending the morning after Thanksgiving standing in line at your favorite department store, shivering in the pre-dawn hours, determined to be among the first to get through the doors before your holiday dinner bowel movement hits. It’s a calculated risk, but one we are willing to take in order to make our loved ones’ holiday dreams come true, even if it means wearing Depends Undergarments and knocking fellow shoppers unconscious with a Spongebob Squarepants beach chair.

Admittedly, the last time I participated in the madness of holiday shopping was several years ago as an observer, which is a little like trying to be an “observer” while standing in a mosh pit. One minute I was leaning on a rack of scarves; the next minute I was being used as a battering ram by two large women trying to knock over an electric cart that was blocking the video game aisle.

The women’s names were “Marge” and “Judy.” I know this because, each time before swinging me head first, I would hear the following exchange:

“Ready, Marge!”
“You bet your sweet ASS, Judy!”

After three tries the cart was cleared and I was tossed — discarded, really — onto a table of wool sweaters, where I remained in a fetal position until the three-hour sale ended… (Read more at LAP!)

Men are from NAPA, women are from Macy’s

(Around here, Sundays are reserved for sleeping in and breakfast cooked by our private chef. At least until the kids bang on the door at 7 a.m., waking me from this dream and demanding pancakes. It’s also a day reserved for Flashbacks, when I, figuratively speaking, serve up something from the distant past, much like a late Sunday night at Denny’s, except without the risk of food poisoning…)

Men don't like shopping If you want to observe the difference between men and women at its purest form, study their shopping habits. With the holiday buying season now officially under way, there’s no better time to witness this phenomenon for yourself.

Here’s a brief study guide to get you started.
Women:
a) Define an outfit as something comprised of at least three pieces of clothing, all of which are interchangeable and flattering.
b) Have researched the best buys and know where there’s a sale today.
c) Are undecided about whether or not a drop-waist makes them look fat.
d) Will try on all clothes within arm’s reach of the fitting room.

Men:
a) Define an outfit as something comprised of jeans. And maybe a fishing lure.
b) Have researched today’s game schedule on ESPN and know they can get to the store and back during halftime.
c) Are undecided about how to answer when their wives ask if a drop-waist makes them look fat.
d) Won’t get within arm’s reach of the fitting room. Continue reading

When planning your ‘Black Friday’ shopping, don’t forget Bigfoot

(With retailers now moving traditional day-after-Thanksgiving “Black Friday” shopping to a week ago last Wednesday, thereby breaking the holiday space-time continuum, this week’s edition of Flashback Sunday is desperate attempt by me to counteract that breach by offering a post from a time when even Bigfoot knew when he could find the best sale on an Epilady…)

There are many advantages to shopping with Bigfoot. Keeping a low profile is not one of them.

There are times when, as a columnist, I am faced with the difficult decision of choosing between two equally important topics in order to meet my deadline.

Then there are times like this when, thanks to years of experience and accidentally consuming a quadruple espresso meant for the person next to me at Starbuck’s, I realize both topics can be combined into a single, well-structured piece of journalism.

Which is why, today, we will be talking about how to prepare for holiday shopping with the help of Bigfoot.

As some of you may have heard, a hiker in Utah posted video of what appeared to be Bigfoot rummaging through the brush.

In addition, some of you may have heard about Thanksgiving.

I don’t believe this is a coincidence. Continue reading

Men are from NAPA, women are from Macys

Soon, this man will contemplate ending his pain by ingesting large quantities of perfume.

If you want to observe the difference between men and women at its purest form, study their shopping habits. With the holiday buying season now officially under way, there’s no better time to witness this phenomenon for yourself.

Here’s a brief study guide to get you started.
Women:
a) Define an outfit as something comprised of at least three pieces of clothing, all of which are interchangeable and flattering.
b) Have researched the best buys and know where there’s a sale today.
c) Are undecided about whether or not a drop-waist makes them look fat.
d) Will try on all clothes within arm’s reach of the fitting room.

Men:
a) Define an outfit as something comprised of jeans. And maybe a fishing lure.
b) Have researched today’s game schedule on ESPN and know they can get to the store and back during halftime.
c) Are undecided about how to answer when their wives ask if a drop-waist makes them look fat.
d) Won’t get within arm’s reach of the fitting room. Continue reading

When planning your ‘Black Friday’ shopping, don’t forget Bigfoot

There are many advantages to shopping with Bigfoot. Keeping a low profile is not one of them.

There are times when, as a columnist, I am faced with the difficult decision of choosing between two equally important topics in order to meet my deadline.

Then there are times like this when, thanks to years of experience and accidentally consuming a quadruple espresso meant for the person next to me at Starbuck’s, I realize both topics can be combined into a single, well-structured piece of journalism.

Which is why, today, we will be talking about how to prepare for holiday shopping with the help of Bigfoot.

As some of you may have heard, a hiker in Utah recently posted video of what appears to be Bigfoot rummaging through the brush.

In addition, some of you may have heard about Thanksgiving.

I don’t believe this is a coincidence. Continue reading