It’s time to separate Thanksgiving fact from fiction with the help of Mr. Knowitall

image It’s been 389 years since that first Thanksgiving, when the Pilgrims and Wampanoag Indians sat down together in celebration and, much like the Americans of today, made a solemn vow not to eat more than your standard bull elk.

We know this because of a passage recently discovered in the diary of Pilgrim Edward Winslow, who described the first Thanksgiving like this:

Our harvest be large so that we might rejoice! Our plates and bellies be full to swelling! We have feasted on meats and gathered crops, and pies of sweet fruit!
Aye, I say! I think it be time to vomit!

— Edward Winslow, Dec. 13, 1621

In spite of this kind of irrefutable historic documentation, many myths still exist about one of our most celebrated holidays. For example: Did anyone actually eat the Indian corn, or was it just used as a decoration?

As a special tribute to Thanksgiving, we asked our resident historian, Mr. Knowitall, to help separate fact from fiction about this important holiday. For the last several weeks, readers were encouraged readers to send in their own Thanksgiving questions and, as a result, we were inundated with literally dozens of empty mailbags.

That was as of yesterday.

Amazingly enough, our postal person showed up this morning with a truckload of mail from people all around the country! That’s right! In fact, there were so many letters that I was forced to utilize a highly complex selection process requiring dozens of volunteers, an empty office, and our wild squirrel, “Skippy.”

I know it sounds unbelievable.

But I’m on deadline right now, so you’ll just have to take my word for it.

Before we get started, for those of you who might not be familiar with Mr. Knowitall, I should explain that, in addition to being our resident historian here at Siuslaw News, he is also our economist, consumer products expert, food critic, movie reviewer, foreign affairs consultant, science correspondent, and vending machine repairman.

Not necessarily in that order.

We chose him because of his vast knowledge on a variety of subjects, and because, conveniently, he happens to be here every Wednesday to re-fill the Cheetos. I know this doesn’t necessarily make him an expert, but he says he is — and, being a professional journalist, I believe him.

That said, let us begin.

Dear Mr. Knowitall: Is it true that the Pilgrims made popcorn on the first Thanksgiving?
Mr. Knowitall: Yes and no. By the end of the celebration, the Wampanoags noticed that no one had eaten any of the Indian corn they brought. When asked about this, each of the 56 Pilgrims said they’d somehow overlooked it. Not wanting to insult their guests, Miles Standish then offered to hand out the corn, but “accidentally” dropped the bushel into a fire pit. The result was the beginning of popcorn and the end of the first Thanksgiving.

Dear Mr. Knowitall: Why is there no traditional Thanksgiving song?
Mr. Knowitall: Because Weird Al Yankovic hasn’t written one yet.

Dear Mr. Knowitall: What’s the best way to prepare a turkey?
Mr. Knowitall: That’s a tough question. Everyone has their own preference. Personally, I think it’s best to avoid eye contact. Just call it into the kitchen and don’t let it know what’s coming. The same goes for your guests if you happen to be serving Tofurkey; if you want them to stay, it’s best not to let them know what’s coming.

Unfortunately, that’s all we have time for today. I’d like to thank Mr. Knowitall for sharing his wisdom and helping to clarify some of the history behind Thanksgiving. In addition, I’d also like to tell him I’m sorry…

But we’re out of Cheetos again.

(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, will be released this December from Port Hole Publications. You can write to him at nhickson@thesiuslawnews.com, or at Siuslaw News, P.O. Box 10, Florence, Ore. 97439)

Advertisements

20 thoughts on “It’s time to separate Thanksgiving fact from fiction with the help of Mr. Knowitall

  1. Still waiting for the conversation that begins:

    Native American slowly walks up to POTUS and kind of shuffles his feet, looking everywhere but at POTUS.

    POTUS: Hey sweetie, whassup?

    NA: Hey Anglo. You know I think the world of you, right?

    POTUS: Oh, oh.

    NA: I was sooo excited when I invited you to move in.

    POTUS: You made me so happy that day.

    NA: Yeah, we were going to do so much stuff together. Discover the world. Make new friends. Redecorate the place. It was going to be great.

    POTUS: Was?

    NA: Yeah. *pause* Look, you’re a great people and all that…

    POTUS: Spit it out.

    NA: It just hasn’t worked out like I thought it would.

    POTUS: What’re you talking about? We’re having the time of our lives!

    NA: YOU! You’re having the time of YOUR life. You shut me out of everything.

    POTUS: Sweetie. *attempts hug*

    NA: Don’t touch me! This is hard for me to say, but it’s… it’s over between us.

    POTUS: This is because of that football team in Washington, isn’t it?

    NA: Don’t try to trivialize this!

    POTUS: So, you just want me to move back in with my mother?

    NA: I don’t care where you move. I just want my place back.

    POTUS: Come on. Look at me. We can work this out.

    NA: Fine! I didn’t want to tell you this. But I’ve… started to see the Chinese.

    POTUS: What? *laughs*

    NA: What’s so damned funny?

    POTUS: I started seeing the Chinese, too!

    NA: *laughs* Oh, my Earth Mother! Are we a pair or what?

    They hug and when POTUS is at work the next day, NA throws his stuff onto the front lawn (in Canada).

  2. Perhaps next year you could use the Indian corn to lure the turkey into the kitchen. Was going to say you’d kill two birds with one stone until I realized it would be incredibly tacky under the circumstances.

No one is watching, I swear...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s