I know The Box was absent yesterday, but I have a note from my mother

After my deadline, fighting the flu, preparing for my firefighter skills test and the likelihood of vomiting..
After my deadline, fighting the flu, preparing for my firefighter skills test and the likelihood of vomiting.
Much like when I was in middle school, and told Mrs. Taskmaster I didn’t have my homework assignment or a written excuse because “my dog ate my mom,” I have an equally ridiculous excuse as to why this week’s edition of The Box wasn’t posted yesterday.

For those who follow me on Twitter (and if you don’t, who can blame you), they know I was dealt a “Perfect Storm” of events yesterday, much like the movie with George Clooney, except as a really bad sequel that Clooney turned down in favor of the lead in Gigli 2.

My “Perfect Storm” scenario included the following plot twists:

1) A feverish, sneeze-inducing form of Influenza
2) An early newspaper deadline because of,
3) A mandatory hands-on firefighter skills test to take

My objectives were to arrive at work by 5 a.m. and meet a 1 p.m. deadline, then hurry to the fire station, where I would take a five-evolution skills test in full gear and breathing apparatus, all while trying not to sneeze uncontrollably into my face mask, thus obscuring my view while simultaneously resembling something from the movie Alien, thereby setting off a chain reaction of vomiting by my fellow firefighters inside their face masks.

I’m happy to say I achieved my objectives. Sadly, however, it came at the expense of yesterday’s edition of The Box.

WAIT! Even from here, with my congested nasal passages, the outcry of disappointment is tangible, wafting through the air like cheap fireworks tossed into a portable commode. What does this mean, other than my fever is spiking? It means this week The Box, much like the lining of my nose, will be making a rare, Wednesday afternoon appearance! That’s right! I’m losing the lining in my nostrils! So until then (and by “then” I mean when today’s edition of The Box is posted) thank you for your patience, which I know is nothing to sneeze at.

Published by

Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

45 thoughts on “I know The Box was absent yesterday, but I have a note from my mother”

    1. Thanks, Susan πŸ˜‰ I’m getting there. Waiting for my daughter at the orthodontist right now, then heading home and back to bed for a while. I think a few hours of sleep will get me back on track now that I’ve stopped sneezing!

  1. are your dog and your mom alright ? Or are they both still half left ? Just like the inside of a breathing apparatus bilateral symmetry is nothing to sneeze at, especially when they are dogs and moms.

    1. I’m happy to say both are OK. It was a close call. In fact, I can’t even look at one of those fake dog poops without getting emotional about how things could’ve turned out.

    1. Thanks, Lisa β€” and yes, it is a fondue pot. We actually have three of them; my oldest daughter always wants fondue for her birthday dinner. We always eat way too much cheese deep. I’m thinking about doing melted Ex-Lax next year instead of chocolate for dessert dipping.

      1. …yeah. you let me know how that “works”. in fact…how fast it “works”. AND remind me that if you come down this way, fondue is OUT of the question with you….

        hows the snots?

                1. YES….my kinda man….

                  the slower you pull………the longer it gets. And then just when you think its at its longest, you hold your head way back and try to get the whole thing in your……

                  The BBQ…

  2. LMAO. Your commenters are so funny. Next time you’re running short on time, you ought just post some of the wacky comments you get.

      1. some people have a bigger learning curve than others, have to do things hands-on and learn for themselves. i quite possibly could be one of those people. probably why i ruled out ‘criminal’ on my list of possible career options.

  3. Did you know that the more specific the excuse, the more likely it is false? I bet the squirrel was afraid of getting sick and you’re covering for him.

No one is watching, I swear...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s