As I’ve mentioned before, because of our home’s proximity to the local wharf, from time to time we have a problem with rodents. Now, when I say “rodents,” I mean rats, and when I say “problem,” I mean finding mysterious entries scrawled on our grocery list that read:
Git mor cheeez.
However, I know that we aren’t alone in this, and that our neighbors undoubtedly have the same rodent problem. I know this because 1) They are our neighbors, and therefore live as close to the wharf as we do, and 2) Because we routinely lob assorted cheese curds into their yards before going to bed.
[Note to neighbors: We are NOT trying to entice the rats from our house into yours; we’re simply trying to entice you to eat more cheese.]
That said, some recent discoveries could change the way we go about solving our rat problem. According to a recent article in the journal Nature, researchers at the State University of New York have created the world’s first living remote-controlled rat. By implanting tiny electrodes in rats’ brains, scientists can command the rats to turn left or right, climb trees, navigate mazes, and, in some cases, stage dramatic light saber duels while dressed as tiny Star Wars characters.
The science involves three electrodes, implanted at specific locations in the brain, which are then triggered by a remote device which produces controlled responses in the rat.
Interestingly enough, this very same technology is utilized by many wives, who use the TV remote to trigger controlled responses from husbands by switching the channel whenever they get up to use the bathroom.
“Hey, what happened to the game?”
“You weren’t watching it.”
“I was in the bathroom for 30 seconds!”
“Did you put the lid back down?”
[Controlled response:]
“…I’ll go check.”
Understandably, there are those who think that manipulating rats (or husbands) is inhumane, and that it is only the first step toward an “Orwellian” world of human-control technology. While this is certainly possible, others argue that we can’t dismiss the many practical applications that Robo-rats offer. For example, Professor Howard Eichenbaum of Boston University says the research “holds the promise of using animals as couriers to reach trapped victims.”
I don’t know about you, but when trapped beneath a crumbled overpass, I can honestly say a rat is just about the LAST thing I want coming in after me (not counting Geraldo Rivera.)
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that Robo-rats don’t have their place. It just doesn’t happen to be anywhere near ME.
Or my house.
But at my neighbors’ is fine.
To be honest, it wouldn’t exactly come as a shock. Especially with all of that cheese they’ve got lying around.
(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications.)
Ned's Blog 
Haha……..really had a good laugh with this post. Wonderful neighbors you are 😛
They say “fences make good neighbors.”
I don’t think it hurts to add cheese. 😉
I must absolutely agree about the fences………Riaan can try the cheese on our neighbors, if only the problem was just rats 😉
Robo-rats and Geraldo.
(laughed a little too loud to convince anyone I was doing actual work.)
It’s probably best to keep them guessing…
Looks like the rats at yours have been taking spelling lessons from Lolcats … 🙂
Or my kids…
Or possibly me… 😉
At least your rats are specific with what they want. Our rats leave notes like “peed on a plate” or “fish again?”
Hahaha! When my son was little, he found a plate with rat poops on it. To avoid freaking him out, I told him I spilled a bottle of chocolate sprinkles by accident. At first, I thought I had been clever in avoiding what could have been a life-changing traumatic experience. That was, until I noticed him going through the plates every day looking for “chocolate sprinkles.”
Hahahaha Be careful Ned, he might feed you those “chocolates” one day 😉
Lol! He’s 14 now and made me chocolate chip cookies for Christmas. I really should’ve paid closer attention to those sprinkles…
We have a problem with roof rats here in the desert. It took me a long time to realize who (or what) was adding cheeez to my grocery list. I substituted “cheeez” for poison though, killing enough so that if their relatives ever become robo-rats, they’re not going to save me, but claw out my eyes. …I’m scared by this scientific revelation.
I’m sure there is a commemoration ceremony each year in the rat world, so yes — I would watch my back. Maybe leave some cheese out as a peace offering?
Maybe I’m stubborn, but . . . NEVER!
🙂
Haha! That’s RIGHT! Stick to your guns!
Seriously, if you don’t have weapons you should get some 😉
mmm, cheese curds.
Welcome to the neighborhood…
Rats in your house, snakes in your Christmas tree–gee, can I come visit?…
“not counting Geraldo Rivera”—Made me laugh out loud!
Any time! We’re like regular Noah’s Ark, except on the Horror Network 😉
Maybe they could base the next American Horror Story season on you and yours. 😉
Hahaha! Maybe we could get sponsorship from an exterminator company?
There you go!
Hmm.
You know they say you can kill a many with plain ole rat poison.
I tend to be non specific on what the term many is.
I do own swamp land. It has been more valuable real estate to me than any other land I own.
Just sayn. 😉
Remind me never to go frog giggin’ with you…
It’s not the frogs you should be worried about….
My wife has the first generation version of the husband remote control — a BIG stick.
Maybe it’s time she traded up? With the remote, I mean…
It’s OK. She swings like a girl.
Haha! Glad YOU said that and not me!
She’ll never catch me. She runs like a girl too.
I wouldn’t be too sure.
As a recovering scientist, that Star Wars crack was uncalled for (I didn’t say it wasn’t accurate).
As a friend, please ignore the men in the windowless black van out front and give some thought to only entering and exiting your house via the neighbour’s back yard.
PS It would kill you to buy something a bit better than spray cheese?
First, thanks for the heads-up on the black van. They offered me candy.
And as for the Cheese Whiz, my methods have purpose; it’s a lot easier to leave a trail leading to my neighbors’ back door with spray cheese then it is with cubes. So THERE, Mr. Smarty Scientist…
Science foiled by yokel know-how once again! Curses!
“They say “fences make good neighbors.I don’t think it hurts to add cheese.”
Gosh, I dunno, Ned. Minnesota shares a state line with Wisconsin, the land of cheese. We got a serious problem with refugees trying to escape from behind The Cheddar Curtain.
Well, truth be told, we’re kinda jealous of them too. It’s the only place nearby where we can purchase beer on Sunday.
Beer AND cheese?!?
Why are you in Minnesota again?
Beer and cheese is the best – but not to anyone behind you.
I am here in Minnesota because my feet are fronzen to the ground. I alway promise myself that I will leave with the thaw – but that is mud-season and no one goes anywhere then.
Next time I’m in the area, I’ll bring you some beer-cheese soup.
“Where’s the damn rat-mote!”
As usual, I’m probably sitting on it.
*eww*
I understand how they would catch a husband to implant the electrode – Super Sunday is approaching. But with rats I bet all the good jobs would go to those over-educated, pampered lab rats. Your wharf rats wouldn’t stand a chance at bettering themselves.
My guess is that the wharf rats will end up doing all the heavy lifting, while the lab rats will keep them on schedule; kind of like husbands and wives… 😉
Dear Ned,
Listen and learn, young Jedi of the Cheese. The answer to your problem is simple. Black racers, the most precious and functional garden accessories known to man. I know, because I employ them to good use in my own yard, which would otherwise be overrun with fruit rats from the neighboring orange groves. Black racers are quiet, leave no messy piles of poop around like my back-up rat team (two stupid dachshunds), and have an insatiable appetite for ratkind. They are also beautiful, if you like scaly things with no legs. (Luckily, I do.) They make no noise at all, unless you count my neighbor’s screams when she sees one taking a shortcut through her pool area, and they don’t violate any zoning laws. Yep, black racers. Try ’em. You’ll like ’em. The money you’ll save on CheezWhiz alone will make it worth the totally affordable rental fee. Act now, and get TWO for the incredibly low price of $19.99, plus shipping and handling.
Love,
Ma Nature, President
Ma Nature’s Famous Rent-A-Reptile (Franchises Available Nationwide)
I would totally take you up on that offer and gladly send you the $19.99 plus S&H, except for the fact that I really want to stay married…
Tsk. Some people just don’t get it. Thinking, here…what would I have done had my husband asked me to make such a choice? Hmmm. Him or the snakes? (Louder) Hmmm. (Louder, still) Hmmmmmmmmmmm. Still thinking, here. Don’t rush me…………………
Oh now I truly have read it all. Que en el mundo??? I’m with you: if I’m trapped anywhere I do not want a rat anywhere near me. Or any other animal being controlled remotely by some weirdo thank you. Hey I know. Put down the toy rat and come help me. How would that be? Sigh.
El Mundo es mas y mas loco, si? Which reminds me, even a bi-lingual rat would not be a welcome sight in my rescue.
I mean, he would need to bring Sangria. But even still I no like.
Absolutely. not even if he brought a margarita and was wearing a cute sombrero. Probably…
The sombrero is a game changer.
Great post! 🙂
Just trying to keep you informed 😉
For a more humane approach, perhaps remote controlled cheese. Also it would prevent you getting busted for throwing cheese into the neighbors yard. Oh well you already copped to that Ned. You screwed the whole thing up nevermind. 😦
I guess I ratted myself out. Some criminal I’d make…
Ned it is ok. But if we ever go on a heist, I get to do all the planning. I think there might be to much integrity within you, in spite of all my efforts to school you in the art of deceit.
I kicked a puppy once!
Okay, fine — I kissed it. I’m still a badass, though…
Roborat, Stepford Rat, Geraldo Rivera…I don’t think I would welcome anyone of those should I ever be trapped underneath rubble.
It’s nice to know you’re so concerned with your neighbors’ diet though.
It’s just part of my giving nature. Just like the time I donated fertilizer for their garden when our toilet backed up…
There’s a Dutch saying (which I’m not sure is commonly used in English) which says: A good neighbor is worth more than a distant friend.
I’m glad to call you a distant friend;)
Hahaha! I’m Danish, which is close enough. At least in terms of friendship distance…