DATELINE: OREGON — Call it a sign of the times, but this image shows how even in a state where all residence are required to wear hiking boots and smoking is strictly limited to medicinal marijuana (mostly), childhood obesity has gotten so prevalent that some parents are being forced to sell their children…
Sad breaking news…
I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity... View all posts by Ned's Blog
57 thoughts on “Sad breaking news…”
I’ve never been to Oregon, so I’m not sure what their paper/plastic rules are, but what do you recommend as far as the carryout policy on taking these huge kids home? Crates? Barrels? Do you get a discount if you buy in bulk? Or all they all bulky?
You have to provide your own recyclable cloth bags in most places, or pay for paper bags — neither of which will do you much good in this case. I’d suggest a cherry picker and mid-sized puck-up.
Something that makes a solid “beep beep” as it backs up…
I would say where marijuanna is concerned..(medicinal speaking)..the parents are definitely not sharing…just my recollection…
Hahaha! Good observation. Insightful.
A little toooo insightful maybe…
Nope. Not gonna. Nope, nope…
Always taking the high road. Then again, Canada’s at a higher elevation already…
At the HoJo! Come for the free donuts. Stay for the chubby kids!
Lol! That could be how they got that way…
Can I drop off my nephew? Because he’s an ill-mannered little cretin.
As long as you agree to re-claim him if he doesn’t sell.
Oh, I can assure you he won’t sell.
I’d suggest Craig’s List then. Easier to hide flawed merchandise and harder to return.
if they don’t sell out, they could run a ‘bogo’ (buy one get one) sale like payless shoes maybe?
SHhhhhhh! Don’t say the word “run.”
I wonder what the going rate is? Are they sold by the pound? Do they come with a receipt and a return policy? I think the good people of Oregon read Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal” and saw some real potential.
All I know for sure is that they aren’t sold in six packs.
I am fairly confident if they sold by the pound it would be like a reverse auction. The higher the poundage, the lower the price. A 150 lb 10 year old would sell for, say, $15 while a 250 lb 10 year old would go for a buck. But it gets fairly complicated mathematically, because a 150 lb 18 year old would actually be $5,000 because, once you hypnotized him to avert his aversion to working out, he could be trained into a fairly functional work mule. Whereas a 250 lb 18 year old would still be worth a couple hundred bucks as he/she would make a perfectly functional door stop. And although the 400 lb 18 year old could stop a door, there is the problem of moving him/her into position and then you probably wouldn’t be able to get through the door. Value drops to a buck.
I am currently working on an app to determine the market value these 100 children but they may sell out before the it’s ready. Making it worth less than a 400 lb 18 year old.
Just one mor reason I never did well in math.
i love you, ned!!
Ah, thanks — you’re too sweet!
Seriously, you’re scaring me… 😉
I am so happy! You’ve made my day. I’ve been trying to offload some kids for almost two decades now. They’re older kids and they have all their original parts, their brains have never been used. They’re skinny but they’re tall so huge could apply to height as well as girth. I’d be willing to donate them.
They weren’t by any chance previously owned by a little old lady in Pasadena, were they?
hahahahahahahaha! You’re the best, Ned!
Awww thanks 😉 But now I’m going to have that Beach Boys’ song stuck in my head all day!
Couple of points: 1) I used to work for a comany that had 5,000 lb rated hydraulic tailgates on all their trucks. That would be the ideal way to haul the biguns – just roll ’em on the T/G, raise ’em up to truck level and roll’em into the box. Most trucks now have “logistics” tie downs which allow you to strap your acquisitions to the floor and walls so they remain secure during transit and 2) It should be pointed out that such large creatures require regular feeding – hence holding the event at HoJo’s. Keep in mind that once you’ve claimed your choice, it will need to be feed at least every hour during transit, so please plan your route accordingly. Failure to do so could result in a loss of weight and a corresponding loss of value – rated and sold by the pound. If you should happen to acquire multiple units, be sure to distribute their weight evenly in the truck body. Failure to do this could result in damage to the vehicle and/or overweight fines at the highway scales.
Excellent advice fro someone in the know. Might I also suggest yellow or orange flags to hang from any appendages that won’t fit into the cargo area during transit.
Absolutely Ned. Thank you for pointing that out. Warning flags are critical for over dimensions. Should the overhang to the rear be greater than 4 feet, you will also be required to attach lights to the protrusion and get a special permit to operate on the highway. Overall width of more than 120 inches also requires a permit. Don’t spoil the fun of your new acquisitions by running afoul of the law when returning them home. Be sure to transport safely and enjoy your new found family members.
With this particular purchase, I’d think one should expect some rear overhang.
I hope the Howard Johnson’s has enough room.
It should be fine until it’s time for the breakfast buffet.
I’d be happy to lease a kid, but not sure if I want to commit to buying. What are the interest rates?
The interest rates are simple; if you’re interested you can lease one at any rate.
Do any of them come equipped with GPS?
Um… sort of. It’s actually DPS; they can tell you the location of any donut shop in town.
Absurd and yet poignant. Huge kids breaking the back of the pets that they can ride.
That’s probably, compared to when I was a kid, so many more pets run away now…
I’m wondering, is one huge kid equal to two or three average size kids? Are we talking mini van or moving truck to bring them home?
I’m definitely thinking moving van in this case. I mean, it does say “huge” kids, not “large” or even “big.” Worst case scenario? You’ve got extra room to bring back that treadmill from Goodwill…
I don’t know what I’ve laughed at more – the sign or the resulting comments! 😀
Ha! It’s definitely a toss up. Not the kids, though; they’re too huge to toss.
Awwww….these are my people. That’s where my parents found me 🙂
They obviously saw a lot of potential 😉
If not for the part where it says “over 100 families,” I might’ve thought it was just one giant kid.
A couple of “thoughts”:
1. How much did you sell for?
2. I certainly hope there were cookbooks for sale.
3. Were batteries included?
1) I’m pretty sure people are holding out for a clearance sale before anyone buys me (that’s what I’m telling myself)
2) Does a copy of Better Cooker’s Crock Book count?
3) Why, do you need a jump?
Betty Cooker is not all she is crocked up to be. I wouldn’t jump her.
That would be the recipe for disaster.
Hm…perhaps the person that put up that sign had been smoking too much medical marijuana? Or maybe the person that put up that sign really hates kids and therefore needs to get high asap…
Maybe it’s the kids who are smoking the marijuana? Could explain the weight problem…
Good point…although the mystery only deepens…and that’s assuming marijuana has anything to do with that sign! This sounds like something someone with experience as an investigate journalist could tackle mabye?;)
I may have to go deep undercover for this one…
Sorry, it was honestly not my intention to give you a homework assignment…
Haha! No worries. If it’s an undercover marijuana assignment, the biggest problem will be fighting off the takers.