Sad breaking news…

DATELINE: OREGON — Call it a sign of the times, but this image shows how even in a state where all residence are required to wear hiking boots and smoking is strictly limited to medicinal marijuana (mostly), childhood obesity has gotten so prevalent that some parents are being forced to sell their children…

Sadly, more than 100 families in Harrisburg, Ore. have opted to sell their "huge" children rather than pay for a health club membership.
Sadly, more than 100 families in Harrisburg, Ore. have opted to sell their “huge” children rather than pay for a health club membership.

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Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

57 thoughts on “Sad breaking news…”

  1. I’ve never been to Oregon, so I’m not sure what their paper/plastic rules are, but what do you recommend as far as the carryout policy on taking these huge kids home? Crates? Barrels? Do you get a discount if you buy in bulk? Or all they all bulky?

    1. You have to provide your own recyclable cloth bags in most places, or pay for paper bags — neither of which will do you much good in this case. I’d suggest a cherry picker and mid-sized puck-up.

  2. I wonder what the going rate is? Are they sold by the pound? Do they come with a receipt and a return policy? I think the good people of Oregon read Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal” and saw some real potential.

    1. I am fairly confident if they sold by the pound it would be like a reverse auction. The higher the poundage, the lower the price. A 150 lb 10 year old would sell for, say, $15 while a 250 lb 10 year old would go for a buck. But it gets fairly complicated mathematically, because a 150 lb 18 year old would actually be $5,000 because, once you hypnotized him to avert his aversion to working out, he could be trained into a fairly functional work mule. Whereas a 250 lb 18 year old would still be worth a couple hundred bucks as he/she would make a perfectly functional door stop. And although the 400 lb 18 year old could stop a door, there is the problem of moving him/her into position and then you probably wouldn’t be able to get through the door. Value drops to a buck.

      I am currently working on an app to determine the market value these 100 children but they may sell out before the it’s ready. Making it worth less than a 400 lb 18 year old.

  3. I am so happy! You’ve made my day. I’ve been trying to offload some kids for almost two decades now. They’re older kids and they have all their original parts, their brains have never been used. They’re skinny but they’re tall so huge could apply to height as well as girth. I’d be willing to donate them.

  4. Couple of points: 1) I used to work for a comany that had 5,000 lb rated hydraulic tailgates on all their trucks. That would be the ideal way to haul the biguns – just roll ’em on the T/G, raise ’em up to truck level and roll’em into the box. Most trucks now have “logistics” tie downs which allow you to strap your acquisitions to the floor and walls so they remain secure during transit and 2) It should be pointed out that such large creatures require regular feeding – hence holding the event at HoJo’s. Keep in mind that once you’ve claimed your choice, it will need to be feed at least every hour during transit, so please plan your route accordingly. Failure to do so could result in a loss of weight and a corresponding loss of value – rated and sold by the pound. If you should happen to acquire multiple units, be sure to distribute their weight evenly in the truck body. Failure to do this could result in damage to the vehicle and/or overweight fines at the highway scales.

    1. Excellent advice fro someone in the know. Might I also suggest yellow or orange flags to hang from any appendages that won’t fit into the cargo area during transit.

      1. Absolutely Ned. Thank you for pointing that out. Warning flags are critical for over dimensions. Should the overhang to the rear be greater than 4 feet, you will also be required to attach lights to the protrusion and get a special permit to operate on the highway. Overall width of more than 120 inches also requires a permit. Don’t spoil the fun of your new acquisitions by running afoul of the law when returning them home. Be sure to transport safely and enjoy your new found family members.

  5. I’d be happy to lease a kid, but not sure if I want to commit to buying. What are the interest rates?

  6. I’m wondering, is one huge kid equal to two or three average size kids? Are we talking mini van or moving truck to bring them home?

    1. I’m definitely thinking moving van in this case. I mean, it does say “huge” kids, not “large” or even “big.” Worst case scenario? You’ve got extra room to bring back that treadmill from Goodwill…

    1. 1) I’m pretty sure people are holding out for a clearance sale before anyone buys me (that’s what I’m telling myself)
      2) Does a copy of Better Cooker’s Crock Book count?
      3) Why, do you need a jump?

  7. Hm…perhaps the person that put up that sign had been smoking too much medical marijuana? Or maybe the person that put up that sign really hates kids and therefore needs to get high asap…

      1. Good point…although the mystery only deepens…and that’s assuming marijuana has anything to do with that sign! This sounds like something someone with experience as an investigate journalist could tackle mabye?;)

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