… This Just In …

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…TAT-tat-tat-TAT-TAT-tat-tat-TAT…

[Breaking News: from another strangely irrelevant moment in our newsroom…]

Even though we’re a small community newspaper, we are located at the intersection of two major state highway arteries connecting the valley to the central Oregon coast. In fact, instead of our current newspaper slogan…

Siuslaw News — Your source for local news. Twice weekly. Unless we lose count

… there was serious talk about:

Siuslaw News — The heartbeat of local news and events. From the coast’s main artery. All in one stroke.

Though the slogan was ditched after market researchers from the corporate office realized 60 percent of our readers are senior citizens with heart problems, our location as a gateway to the coast remains. That makes us key to law enforcement efforts when seeking individuals who have committed a crime, escaped from prison or are attractive and possibly single. Because of this, we often receive “flash alerts” from state police to include in our newspaper so that concerned citizens can begin suspecting their new neighbors might be murderers. Fortunately, these flash alerts usually include a photo to help narrow down a field of suspects who would otherwise be described as “between 5-foot-9 and 6-foot-4, with brown hair and was last seen wearing clothes.”

This morning’s flash alert photo, however, was anything but helpful. In fact, unlike the infamous Jeremy Meeks photo that set hearts aflutter across the Internet…

Because somewhere between love and madness there's probably a felony conviction...

Because somewhere between love and madness there’s probably a felony conviction…

I’m pretty sure this mug shot wouldn’t set hearts aflutter as much as into a flatline…

I'm not sure if he is smiling or reacting to a cavity search. And I'm not talking about his teeth...

I’m not sure if he is smiling or reacting to a cavity search. And I’m not talking about his teeth…

I should point out this individual is being sought in connection with a 2013 murder in Cave Junction, Ore. As an investigative journalist, I can tell you right now his alibi is going to have a few gaps…

(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)

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31 thoughts on “… This Just In …

  1. Well since you swear no one is watching, I’ll admit I didn’t know who Jeremy Meeks was. I asked my 13-year-old son first, thinking Mr. Meeks was perhaps an athlete. He’d never heard of Mr. Meeks. After doing a little bit of my own investigative reporting, I’m glad my son didn’t know who this man was. Geez, Mr. Meeks is handsome, I’ll give him that, but if he’s a bad dude, the last thing he needs right now is a talent scout…
    AnnMarie 🙂
    Wonderful post – thanks for the morning coffee chuckles 🙂

    • I agree, although it’s probably too late to keep him off of Calvin Klein billboards. I just have to wonder when it was they hired Glamour Shots to start taking prison photos?

      Thanks for reading and sharing your morning coffee, AnnMarie 😉

  2. So tough being a criminal these days. News media chasing you down. Dentists wanting to fix your teeth so you look good in court (or the electric chair).

  3. Elsewhere, I read that Martinson is missing a front tooth and has a tattoo on his back of a pit bull dog with the word “Outlaw.” Even if I had only read that much information, I could deduce that he was a criminal. If a tattoo takes priority over veneers, then you need to reassess your life choices.

  4. I think if your flash-alert guy worked on his ‘blue steel’, he may find himself with a publicist and a modeling agent like Mr Meeks. But you are right. Unless he never smiles in his shoots, he’d better get those gaps seen to….

No one is watching, I swear...

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