Don’t mess with The Master when it comes to fake poo

It takes an artist to bring this rubber poo to life. Or maybe just somebody weird.
It takes an artist to bring this rubber poo to life. Or maybe just somebody weird.
Around noon today, I will effectively be putting the “finishing move” on my son regarding an ongoing practical-joke battle involving fake dog poo. Though I will be working on deadline here at the newspaper several blocks from home, I will know exactly when my triumphant moment occurs. That’s because I will hear his anguished holler as he drops to his knees, fists raised, and cries out “DANGGGG YOUUUUU!”

Or something to that effect.

I know this may come as a surprise to many of you, but yes: I own a piece of fake dog poo. I’ve had it for years and pride myself on executing it masterfully in terms of timing, placement and appearance. Just putting it on the floor is for amateurs. A true maestro of poo knows that turning it from a single note to a symphony requires, well… a movement. There needs to be a set-up, i.e., a reason for the poo to be there. For example, last year someone in the sales department brought their dog to work because their home was being fumigated. The dog, a nervous sheltie, routinely got out of the sales room and roamed through the office.

It was the perfect poo storm: A nervous, occasionally unsupervised dog with access to various points in the office.

After studying his route during several escapes, I determined the sheltie’s pattern and, when the timing was right, carefully placed the rubber poo on the carpet between the front office and sales room.

An amateur would have left it at that. But being a MASTER of fake poo execution, I knew the next step — the thing that would make the poo “pop” — was to spray it with a light sheen of cooking spray in order to give it the look of freshness. In addition, the overspray would give the appearance of light absorption into the carpet fibers. It is this eye for detail that separates common jokesters from true artists. As a testament to its look of authenticity, while several co-workers stood over it and waited for the return of the dog’s owner for clean-up, I walked in and bare-handed it, causing a room-full of horrified gasps and one scream, from Joe, our maintenance guy.

For several weeks now, my oldest son and I have been exchanging this poo by leaving it for each other at different places throughout the house — on my iPad, on his pillow, in front of my bedroom door, in the shower stall before his morning rinse, etc. Until now, I’ve been taking it easy on him. But this morning, after seeing an empty can of his favorite mac n’ cheese in the garbage, I decided it was time for my finishing move…

An empty container of my 15-year-old's favorite lunchtime snack, cleaned and looking like new.
An empty container of my 15-year-old’s favorite lunchtime snack, cleaned and looking like new.

After prepping the can to look unopened, I put several small rocks inside a paper napkin to add weight. Then, it was time to prep the poo using a pastry brush and vegetable oil to give it the proper sheen…

In addition to giving it a nice glistening appearance, I pooled some of the oil in the "natural" pockets of rubber for added effect.
In addition to giving it a nice glistening appearance, I pooled some of the oil in the “natural” pockets of rubber for added effect.

Next, it was time to seal up the container and place it in the cabinet, where it waits for his lunchtime discovery…

"Our guarantee of freshness is on every can."
“Our guarantee of freshness is on every can.”

I realize this goes against my “set up” rule in terms of making any sense, but a Poo Master also knows when shock value trumps a properly executed “sting” operation. So when you hear a scream around noon today, you’ll know it is just the latest victim of the Poo Master.

*Drops mic and walks away*

Published by

Ned's Blog

I was a journalist, humor columnist, writer and editor at Siuslaw News for 23 years. The next chapter in my own writer’s journey is helping other writers prepare their manuscript for the road ahead. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

78 thoughts on “Don’t mess with The Master when it comes to fake poo”

  1. That is freaking hilarious! You and your son would easily fit in with our family.

    Question, have you though of maybe using a dehydrator for some real poo, imagine the authenticity of the poo then. I will even let you borrow my dehydrator if you don’t have one.

    1. Don’t tempt me! Haha!

      Actually, my wife actually proved herself a master a couple of years ago with our youngest son, who got his own fake poo and was placing it everywhere. One night, while she was heating up some refried beans, he put it on the kitchen then went to get a shower. She picked it up, then made a perfect replica out of refried beans. When he got out of the shower, she said “you got me!” then asked him to come get it and take it to his room.

      The look on his face when he grabbed that pile of refried beans is something I will never, ever forget!!!

  2. You put a lot of thought into this bowel play. When we hear the scream today, I think your son may have evacuated his pants. Cooking spray=brilliant.

  3. What is it with boys/men & their poo & farts? Such hilarity derived from stink! if you are looking for a new trick to master with your son, try a remote control fart machine. If you can’t source one, I could mail my husbands to you;)

    Must admit, the oil is genius!

    1. When all else fails, fathers and sons can always find common ground on baseball and farts. Thank God.

      And I’ve heard of such technological wonders as a remote-controlled fart machine but have yet to actually witness one. At least, not that I know about.

  4. I love a good practical joke, especially one that involves poop. I’ve been trying to teach my kids the art of hiding and scaring the crap out of momma since that was a childhood favorite, but they still have much to learn. Good for you keeping the skill alive in your house.

      1. Perhaps I will follow your lead and share one of my better practical joke experiences in a future blog post…a joke the design and forethought of which Wily Coyote would have appreciated! (only mine didn’t blow up in my face)

  5. I find it hilarious, yet somewhat disconcerting, that the poo strongly resembles a pretzel. On a side note, you would get along with my big brother smashingly well. His diabolical mind comes up with some of the most creative and, I hate to admit, hilarious practical jokes ever. If you ever need any helpful idea hints, let me know. I can rehash all the devilish details of some of his most devious pranks–all of which he devised just for me.

  6. OMG!! I love this!! For being a girl I always get a really good belly laugh over farts and poop jokes. Worked with a guy years ago who had a “poop phobia”. One day on the way in to work I stopped and bought a Baby Ruth. We pranked him by mushing it up a bit, and laying it on his chair on a piece of TP. He was totally grossed out, but managed to pick it up and put it in the trash can. One of the guys went over, plucked it out of the can and took a big bite out of it—thought he was going to faint dead away. Truly almost peed my pants on that one!

    1. That’s beautiful! HaHa! I once smeared refried beans on the employee restroom toilet seat at a restaurant I worked at and almost made someone throw up. But the Baby Ruth taste test is classic!

  7. Omg….boys, men, farts and poo…
    In the words of Elaine from Seinfeld, “I don’t know how you guys live with those things”. 🙂
    That said, even this lady is not above a well placed poo prank 😉

  8. Oh my. You would get on so well with my Garden Gnome. The number of pranks he has pulled on us that really took time and planning……
    The best one was the door ‘bell’ (that sounds like a formula 1 racing car) hidden behind the toilet. And then as we were climbing down from the ceiling, the voice that came from the dirty laundry hamper…. oh dear. Please let us know how this prank goes.

  9. Ha! I am the only female in our house and never thought bodily functions were that funny until I was outnumbered by my 4 sons and husband. Who knew ketchup was so funny?!

    1. It’s impossible to squeeze a plastic bottle of ketchup without making fart sounds — on purpose or otherwise. Thanks to the men in your life, you can appreciate that. And probably armpit farts. See how much richer your life is? 😉

      Thanks for reading, T.M.

  10. A friend of mine just got a kitten and her boyfriend had it on his chest while he was eating peanuts and watching TV. Suddenly she heard a scream and ran out to find him tossing the kitten on the cough and spitting all over. Apparently the kitten left her own little peanut on his chest and he ate it. Not a practical joke, but for poop jokes, this one is a howler!

  11. BTW, you know the next defcon level in this battle is when someone swaps out the fake poo with real poo (fresh, never frozen) and then attempts a classic “joke”.

    My advice, beware the jokes that seem to occur too easily or are a repeat of a previous attempt. It may be a case of “poop-and-switch”.

    1. My wife actually did that with our youngest son a while back, but used refried beans. He had bought his own fake poo, a smaller version that looked like it came from a cat, and placed it on the kitchen floor. He then went to take a shower. While he was away, my wife replaced it with a carefully sculpted dollop of refried beans. When he came back, she said “you really got me!” then asked him to take it to his room before dinner.

      The look on his face when he grabbed it and felt it go between his fingers was something I will forever cherish.

  12. I am gagging and laughing at the same time–in the Mac and Cheese!!?? I’ll have you know, I have some fake poo in my trunk–unopened. You may be the reason for a new family game, Ned. I mean, Poo Master! Thanks for the scoop.

  13. A fake rubber egg has lived in our fridge for too many years. My son delights in sneaking it in between the real eggs and watching as I reach for it. Thankfully he’s never opted for the fake dog poo…
    You men!

  14. I can’t stop laughing at the mental image of your son opening this!This brought back memories of my great-aunt, who was the Queen of the Fart Prank. One of her greatest joys in life was embarrassing us by making it seem like we had let one in public places … restaurants, grocery stores, the Williamsburg Pottery Factory. She carried whoopie cushions and other things that make fart noises in her purse as religiously as most women carry lipstick. We all tried to pay her back in kind, but it didn’t work because even if you did get her, she would never blush and yell “that wasn’t me!” and get all embarrassed like the rest of us.

  15. The sheen is brilliant! That was the missing touch on my fake vomit gag!! Well, I’ll be certain not to mess that up again. You’ve inspired me… Thanks, Poo Master!

No one is watching, I swear...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s