Or something to that effect.
I know this may come as a surprise to many of you, but yes: I own a piece of fake dog poo. I’ve had it for years and pride myself on executing it masterfully in terms of timing, placement and appearance. Just putting it on the floor is for amateurs. A true maestro of poo knows that turning it from a single note to a symphony requires, well… a movement. There needs to be a set-up, i.e., a reason for the poo to be there. For example, last year someone in the sales department brought their dog to work because their home was being fumigated. The dog, a nervous sheltie, routinely got out of the sales room and roamed through the office.
It was the perfect poo storm: A nervous, occasionally unsupervised dog with access to various points in the office.
After studying his route during several escapes, I determined the sheltie’s pattern and, when the timing was right, carefully placed the rubber poo on the carpet between the front office and sales room.
An amateur would have left it at that. But being a MASTER of fake poo execution, I knew the next step — the thing that would make the poo “pop” — was to spray it with a light sheen of cooking spray in order to give it the look of freshness. In addition, the overspray would give the appearance of light absorption into the carpet fibers. It is this eye for detail that separates common jokesters from true artists. As a testament to its look of authenticity, while several co-workers stood over it and waited for the return of the dog’s owner for clean-up, I walked in and bare-handed it, causing a room-full of horrified gasps and one scream, from Joe, our maintenance guy.
For several weeks now, my oldest son and I have been exchanging this poo by leaving it for each other at different places throughout the house — on my iPad, on his pillow, in front of my bedroom door, in the shower stall before his morning rinse, etc. Until now, I’ve been taking it easy on him. But this morning, after seeing an empty can of his favorite mac n’ cheese in the garbage, I decided it was time for my finishing move…
After prepping the can to look unopened, I put several small rocks inside a paper napkin to add weight. Then, it was time to prep the poo using a pastry brush and vegetable oil to give it the proper sheen…
Next, it was time to seal up the container and place it in the cabinet, where it waits for his lunchtime discovery…
I realize this goes against my “set up” rule in terms of making any sense, but a Poo Master also knows when shock value trumps a properly executed “sting” operation. So when you hear a scream around noon today, you’ll know it is just the latest victim of the Poo Master.
*Drops mic and walks away*