Maybe it’s because I’m a man, but when I see a giant wienermobile approaching from behind in traffic, I tend to drive a little more defensively. Such was the case this morning when I noticed the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile in my rearview mirror. Though it’s been two years since the last time I was assigned to cover a big wiener (not counting election season), the sight of it immediately caused a flashback from 2012… [cue harp music and begin gauzy dream sequence…]
After more than a decade of working in the high-pressure environment of our newsroom, where at any given moment you could find yourself surrounded by as many as two other journalists all typing at once, it takes a lot to get our adrenaline pumping. In fact, we have been at the epi-center of the national spotlight three times here in Florence. Sure, two occasions came after being singled out as having the nation’s highest rate of … (yawn) … retirees.
But the third time involved REAL explosives.
And a dead whale.
And quite possibly an unlicensed demolitions expert going through a divorce. This would explain using half a ton of dynamite to dispose of a rotting whale carcass that washed ashore, and how one onlooker literally chewed the fat after being struck by a piece if flying whale blubber.
Hey, it was 1970! Whales didn’t have the safety features they have today! Even experts, with their fancy calculations for trajectory, explosive force, velocity, alcohol content, etc., couldn’t have anticipated a piece of whale fat, roughly the size of a Volkswagen Beetle, taking out an actual Volkswagen Beetle.
Because we are subjected to this kind of tension-filled atmosphere on a regular basis, last week, when a 27-foot-long Wienermobile rolled into town, we met it with the kind objectivity you’d expect from seasoned journalists who laugh in the face of high-velocity whale fat:
We immediately leaped from our chairs and simultaneously wedged ourselves in the doorway so tightly we had to be dislodged with a copy machine.
This left our editor with the difficult task of deciding who would cover this assignment. After taking into account experience, dedication and overall proximity to the door, she chose me to cover the giant Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. I have to admit, after seeing the size and scope of this story, I began to feel a little inadequate.
However, Wienermobile driver “Lots-of-Ketchup” Lisa assured me this reaction was very common.
She then took me on a tour of the Wienermobile, which can seat eight comfortably, or as many as 26 uncomfortably, depending on how strictly the seatbelt law is enforced in your area, particularly when it involves people riding on top of a 27-foot-long hot dog.
I know what you’re thinking:
How can I get a job like THAT?!?
OK, maybe it was just me.
But according to the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile website, any college graduate who is “outgoing, creative, friendly, and who has an appetite for adventure” can be a candidate.
Having a good driving record also helps because, according to Lisa, in spite of its naturally aerodynamic design, handling a Wienermobile on the open road, and even proper waxing and buffing, takes practice, which is why drivers must attend special classes at “Hot Dog High,” and why, coincidentally, I am moving on to the next paragraph as quickly as possible, while this is still a family-friendly column.
I would like to thank Lisa and the folks at Oscar Mayer for including us on their national tour. I’d also like to thank them for avoiding fatty fillers in their hot dogs; the last time something 27 feet long and full of fat came to Florence, the results were explosive.
(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.)
Ned's Blog 
I not sure what to say, having your picture with the wiener mobile, was this a bucket list item? Though at the same time, my own husband would probably jump at the chance of having his picture with the wiener mobile.
I added it to my bucket list then immediately crossed it off, just so I could feel productive.
My husband has a “to-do list” like that, complete the task, write it down, scratch it off.
I’ll never look at a hot dog the same way again…
Thanks for that, Ned.
It’s what I do.
oh the things I want to say about this one, I won’t drag your blog into the sewer LOL
but I WILL say this one little thing:
They require you to have a college degree to drive a giant hot dog but you don’t need a college degree to be an air traffic controller? WHAT?
seriously, if you don’t believe me on…
http://www.faa.gov/jobs/career_fields/aviation_careers/
Your use of restraint when it comes to talk of giant wieners is greatly appreciated, Melissa. Particularly since my blog seems to be expanding. That said, I find that information on air traffic controller standards more than a bit frightening. I’m sure a college degree will become a requirement should Oscar Mayer ever introduce a flying weiner.
hahahahaha
now THAT would be frightening!
Do eight people ever sit in it and ride around for awhile? Or is it just the one person usually? I don’t like tubes of whipped pig parts to begin with, but it still looks better than most vehicles they manufacture today. It doesn’t intimidate me, as a woman, but I bet some gals could make a killing if they put on Daisy Dukes and used it as a promotion for a car wash. All I know is, I don’t have the upper body strength to wax it.
There is so much in this reply that is SO wrong — yet completely right. From what I understand, there are never more than two people involved when the giant wiener is in motion. And I’d have to agree with your car wash suggestion. If the local PTA really wanted to get the money for those school books, they’d start waxing.
i had an weinermobile experience when i was a young girl and all i got was a mini weiner whistle (
I got one, too (whistle, not a young girl), and they are made out of plastic now 😦
yes, and i won’t even make any jokes about mini weiners and wishing yours wasn’t plastic.
It when I CAN’T joke about those things that life as I know it will be over…
absolutely the final sign of armageddon
Oh, you and your wiener…..mobile.
I was going to include a photo of my wiener whistle but thought better of it…
So do they wash that thing by hand? It is pretty sparkly. I can’t imagine what it would look like coming through a car wash…okay, I can imagine and it isn’t rated PG.
I’m sure it gets a good buffing on a regular basis.
Ha, great story, no Weiner mobiles here in Ireland thankfully, guess ill have to continue on in life feeling completely adequate but knowing that somewhere out there is a Weiner mobile determined to put me firmly back in my place
Fortunately for you, Wienermobiles can’t float, so coming across the ocean for you is not an option.
Glad you were able to cut the mustard.
Ha! Thank you! I did so with relish…
That exploding whale footage is spellbinding. How come no one has made this into a movie yet?
That’s exactly what I thought, which is why I’m working to secure the rights to “Whale-nado.”
Whale-nado. Can’t miss.
You know, I just finished writing a first draft of a novel. (Brag, brag…) I think to myself, “Maybe this is too far-fetched.” And then I see exploding whales.
First, my sincere congratulations on finishing the first draft of your novel, Ross. That’s huge. Not “Whale-nado” huge (what IS, really?), but know that I am virtually raising a toast in celebration for you. Well done.
And yeah, Sharknado has a way of putting things into perspective.
Again, congrats my friend.
Thanks. Alas, my would-be publisher appears to be getting cold feet. Would that I had a whale chunk to lob his way.
I’m sure there must still be a few globs here on the beach I could send you. I’ve got your back. Or fatback. Or whatever.
So, so much I could say here. I’ll keep it to myself given that this a family site. That said, I’ll be chuckling all day and making inappropriate wiener jokes…just not out loud…I’m supposed to act like a professional for the next 6 hours and 18 minutes 😉
Political correctness is ruining EVERYTHING! 😉
I know, right?
Oh the stories I could tell of my inappropriate foot inside my mouth when I was just being me in corporate America. And I even have catholic school girl filters!!
If you’re limber enough to put your foot in your mouth, I hate to think of the amount of inappropriateness that has been wasted on political correctness.
And….there it went. Diet Mountain Dew everywhere!
With respect to your writing, that video is one of the funnier things I ever saw! It could have just as easily been a Monty Python sketch;)
That video was so great!
Wasn’t that totally crazy? I don’t think you could get away with blowing up dead whales with dynamite anymore. Not unless it was part of The Bachelorette or something…